Prove it first

I like to talk. I especially like to talk about myself. And if I want to get motivated I like to talk about what I am doing, or what I am about to do. When I talk about my future plans, it feels like I am actually doing something, without ever having to lift a finger. All it takes is to yap my mouth. It is really that easy. So simple!

But I get to the end of every year, look back on all the stuff I have done, but mostly what I didn't after talking it all up. I've been planning on becoming a millionaire for the last few years. And I have told everyone that it is going to happen, thanks to my small plan to take over the world.

The long and short is that it hasn't happened.

So I am taking a new road. This new road means that I will shut up. It will take out a lot of pride in order to do that (we'll see how easy that is), and it will force me to talk about what I have done (past tense rather than future tense). These are my rules. And this is my declaration. If I talk about it again, it should only be to update, not project. I have to put my money where my mouth is.

Feel free to call me out on it.

[This post was inspired by Derek Sivers]

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This is a guest post from my other blog AllCityStartup.blogspot.com

Secrecy or Transparency

I watched the movie Duplicity the other week and thought about it then, but I didn't realize until now that I am playing my own games in the same way, only it is much more destructive. The movie is about 2 double-agents in the corporate world of war. Between two main companies are millions of dollars at stake for minor percentages of market cap.

I am not at that level. At all.

But why am I fearing that someone will steal my ideas? Why do I keep a tight rein on the thoughts and ideas that I have when I start things in my business? I have this idea that my ideas are my money. And if I let out my ideas, I won't make money. This isn't true. What I have deduced is that ideas are free and easy. Everyone has them, and a lot of people have great ones [Seth Godin on ideas]. But it is the ability for the businessman, specifically the entrepreneur, to be able to capitalize on them.

That is why all the multi-level marketing schemes work (which I almost got into, but didn't). They work because they promise the world, and show the people that are doing amazing things with their package. And the package is available to anyone, but it takes a certain person to be able to really capitalize on it. And those people are few and far between. That is why this entrepreneurial wave will not last. But I think the next generation of kids who watched their parents will be successful. Why? Because they were able to watch subjectively and understand the problems and will fix them.

But back to my point, if you want people to trust you, you cannot keep things from them. If you want people to buy from you, you must have them trust you and trust what you are selling. So from here on out, I am going to be completely forthright with my business. Down to everything. Because I know that I can make money from it. I know how, and I have seen it done. My ideas might spark other entrepreneurs to crowd my market, but isn't that what I am doing now?

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This is a guest post from my other blog AllCityStartup.blogspot.com

Sidenote..

I have another blog which probably will not mean anything for most of you. But it is about my window cleaning startup (ha ha, that's why it is called My Window Cleaning Startup) and everything that I am doing with that. It is targeted at other people doing the same, so we will see if it goes somewhere. But if you want to help me out, just click the link and send some internet traffic that way. If you do that, it'll jumpstart the popularity and maybe even get some attention. Because right now it is lonely.

I started with the beginning and my business history. I continued with some Personality info and Personal Branding info. And the last two posts were about the basics and the window cleaning supplies everyone would need.

So feel free to click away at the links. No need to really read them, unless you are interested.

Thank you all.

New Year?

It seems that everything in life is moving. It is moving in a direction that I cannot explain or understand right now. Even now as I think where I am going with this post, I get lost in the thoughts and movement. It's as if you are standing in the middle of a dance floor as everything dances around you, and you look around as if to decide your next move.

Or it feels like one of those great summer nights in front of a fire after most people have gone to bed and you and a few friends still sit around, mostly silent, poking at the fire. You wonder what is about to be said, or what topic will be brought up. But you know it will be intimate and important. Because the atmosphere demands it.

So here I stand, planning my next move. And here I sit, listening intently, staring at the hot coals.

And I can feel the next move, I can see what is about to come. It is just around the corner to a new year and I already have it planned out. New years resolutions are set to start in December. This will be a year I will not forget.

I have never forgotten December 19th. It was the day I asked out my first girlfriend. Also my first kiss. November 5th was the day I flipped my car over with 4 other guys in it. October 30th a year later, I totalled my next car too. I remember a few other memorable dates: Nov 1st, Feb 5th, etc. But I know this next year, January especially, there will be a new date. A date that will start the rest of my life. This date will once again mark a happening in life. To be honest, I am a little scared, I haven't quite taken into account what it will really cost, how much courage and gusto I will have to muster up. But it will be worth it. It's almost like a break-up conversation. You see it coming and know you will feel better once it happens, but you know it will bring pain with it, but you cannot really anticipate that pain. Instead you just have to brace for it.

Make-up Work

Whenever I find myself in this situation (single..again.., and without all the toys I have ever wanted to make me satisfied...which will be never), I always look internally. Maybe it is a introverted characteristic of mine. Or maybe it is entrepreneurial, I don't know. Maybe it is inherently male, but I don't think that is the main reason. But I want to conquer the world to prove a point to her. or maybe just to me.

Even tonight I self-medicate as I move on smoothly, which is going quite well, by the way. But with each situation this afternoon and more into the evening, I look to conquer everything as if to counteract. And I pencil out goals to achieve that. Whether it be my friends' wives or girlfriends, that I think I can do better, or as I listen to music, I can learn guitar and write better than Lady GaGa. It seems I am on this quest to prove that I am best when I am solo. I will dominate. I will conquer. I will survive.

But also in all of this, I look around and look for someone to share this with. Anyone, really. Anybody to care that I have dominated, conquered and survived. Because without comradery, there is no real conquering or survival, only more loneliness.

So as my list of goals swells to new proportions, I think of motives. And quickly find it is really because I am hurt and just want to prove a point. But I know I will prove it to whoever is listening, even if they really aren't.

24 hours, 24 years

My roommate turned 25 the other day. And that was weird for him.
I turn 24 in three months, and I am almost freaking out. What is wrong with me? I feel the pressure, the expectations, the missed goals, etc. Basically I don't have my Aston Martin or the house I designed in my head (it's quite awesome, let me tell you). So what is wrong? I graduated high school as a Valedictorian, and now I drop out of school to start a window cleaning business?!

I am stupid! This is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted! This is definitely not my life plan. Most of my classmates are graduated. But then again, they don't have jobs either. Most of them, anyway. But even still, I feel incompetent. I feel like I should have more accomplished. Maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to see the whole picture. Maybe I need to take this year and do all I can so I can have my early-life-crisis when I turn 25.

I think that will be my goal. Starting once I turn 24, I want to live it like it is my last (cliche, I know. Think figuratively). Give that year all that I have. I am going to write down all the important things and check them off if it is within my possibility. Driving fast cars (maybe a driving class with expensive cars), travel around the world (around-the-world plane ticket), watching the Olympics (Vancouver, BC?), buying my motorcycle (I got my license..), get married (ladies? I'm accepting applications, ha ha), and I don't know what else. But I think I am going to let next year be the year. I can freak out on my birthday after that.



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Allowing it to hurt. Part 2

This was not meant to be a two part post, but I got some quick feedback that made me realize it needed some explanation. So here goes.

Why do we strive to find comfort? Do we seek comfort above all else? What is more important to us, growth or pain-free living? If you look at the buying trends of Americans, the answer is obvious. Granted, this could just be proving my point that life is suffering and therefore we spend more money to get out of it than back into it. But wouldn't it rather make sense that if it is inevitable, shouldn't we as humans learn to adapt? Since that is what we are so good at. That is the strongest animalistic trait that we have as humans. We have the ability to adapt in our environment. In almost any environment, with almost any situations including paraplegia and prison and lottery winnings [min 5:30 of video], we can readjust to our surroundings.

Life is suffering. This is not a doomsday forecast. This is yesterday, today and tomorrow.
On a positive note, Life is good. I never said otherwise. For the most part, I enjoy my life. I hope you enjoy yours. I believe that life is to be enjoyed to its fullest. But my point is that life cannot be enjoyed to its fullest if you are trying to protect yourself from pain and suffering.

Risk. Opportunity. Possibility. Taking chances. All these come with a likely chance at failure. Love is lost is hurt. Marriage is vulnerability and pain (speaking from second-hand info, not experience). Learning has growth pains. Enjoy it. Find the good in it. Find the joy in it, because if you don't, you will forever seek a life without pain, and that life sounds worthless.

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For part 1, click here.

Allowing it to hurt. Part 1

In Buddhism there are what they call The Four Noble Truths. This is their path to nirvana and peace in nothingness. But this is not where I am headed. What I am going to focus on is their number one truth/realization:

"Life is Suffering"

How simple. It says something that makes your reaction something around "duh." But isn't this the anti-thesis of our existence? Do we not fight with all our might to ward off pain and suffering? I find not only this true, but also that I go out of my way to ward off even the slightest discomfort.

Prepare yourself, I am about to disclose some personal information. I own about 20-ish pairs of shoes. I have not counted in a while. (In high school I had about 17, but 12 of which were specifically for sports, and one or two nice pair for church, a pair to get dirty, and two for school, now they are all casual shoes). But to get to my point, I usually only wear my one white pair of Vans. Why is this? Because they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have. No other pair fits as well as these and looks good all the time.

So what is my point in all of this? I have spent a lot of money to look cool just in the area of footwear, but when it comes down to it, I bypass all others to wear my most comfortable pair (which ironically cost the cheapest). This is how far my avoidance of pain goes.

The point isn't about wearing uncomfortable shoes, but instead the fact that we run away from pain at almost any cost. Life is Suffering. Everything hurts. Exercise hurts, work sucks, love stinks, et cetera. Get out of your bubble of Americana and this ideological dream of endless money so that you can insure your way out of problems. Welcome to Life, Life is Suffering.


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Intentionally, this was going to be the one and only post specifically on this topic, but for explanation's sake, here is part 2.

My Relient

Sometimes I wonder why I want so badly to listen to music as I fall asleep. Sometimes it's obvious. In a way, it is a lyrical cuddle [phrase stolen from someone famous], but it is so easy to make it an escape from the thoughts running through my mind.

I don't want to think about work. I don't want to think about my problems. I don't want to think about tomorrow. Is this a bad thing? Should I embrace the mindless splattering in my thought filled world? Or should I let it go? Is it not vital to stop thinking so I can fall asleep?

Honestly, I think it is the latter. You have to know how to turn your brain off. My brain does not have an on/off switch, but I can crowd it with filler so that autopilot takes over. Imagining being on stage in front of all my groupies. Belting out this music I can only imagine I wrote. Life really is a dream.

But until that happens, I'm going to enjoy my Relient K album that I have been enjoying ever since I caught on to the words. Apparently it is about a break up. Apparently I did not listen to it closely enough to realize that at first. And apparently it was foreshadowing. So here I go. Goodnight.

The next step

What goes up must come down. And when you go out on a limb, more often than not, you will be left out there to fall. When you show your ugly side, most people will not be attracted to it. Facts of life.

So how do we keep the courage to continue to keep off the masks? You stop, realize that life usually sucks more than doesn't and you trudge along. One thing I am learning in sales is that most people will say no. That remains true to dating. Thankfully I do not have to date each of my customers before they buy from me.

But as I continue, I realize that I have the option to take it in stride, realize it hurts--some failures more than others--and take the time to assess the pain and move on in time. As I laid on my shag rug last night in front of my space heater (there's something nostalgic about a space heater), I seriously thought that there should be a switch, a lesson learned and move on. But once again, I am wrong. So once again, I laid in front of my space heater and screamed out. Wanting the pain to stop. Trying to decide which self-medication form I would take to try to move on (fyi, it was music. Owl City to be precise).

And so the cycle starts again. This time with another lesson learned. And more known about me. And another branch that could not hold my weight.

In less important news, this is my 100th post

This is the problem with social networking. This is the problem with online branding. This is the problem with life as it is told we should live. Why are we told to be on our best behavior. Why should we put our best foot forward. Why do we dress up one step higher in our job interview. Answer to question #1: in order to not embarrass our parents. Answer to question #2: cuz the other foot sucks. Answer to question #3: to create a good first impression.

So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.

The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.

What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.

How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.

What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.

But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.

But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.

And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.

88 Important Truths

Some things I wish I could have written, but this I was just glad to read, so read this post: 88 Important Truths

What life is all about

Realizing what life is all about should be a class we could take in junior high, high school, or college, or all three since none of us would really pay attention although we might take notes - at least the smart kids would. But some things in life, or rather, the best things in life are not things taught in school, but they are found, discovered.

That was my plug against our current education system.

But the truth of it all comes at nearly 24 years of existence. What takes 24 years to learn? If something that important takes that long, what did we learn in the 12 years of required school of 9 months at a time? It must not have been important. It probably wasn't since I don't remember anything except how to procrastinate, cheat without getting caught, and how to embellish a 1 page paper into 12.

So here I am, learning for the first time in my life. Too bad my best years when my brain is a sponge are gone. Not to be too facetious, but finally free from expectations of perfect report cards and mass-produced vomited answers for quizzes and tests, I can now expect for myself. I can learn from myself and those around me. And they are lessons that are truly useful. Not the year Columbus sailed the ocean blue (which was 1642, I believe, or some date that rhymes with 'blue').

So what now? Nothing. I think. I was never taught what to do.

And that is my point. My point that I am just now realizing how ill-equipped I am for this life that I have been living for the last 24 years. I can finally admit to myself that I have no clue what I am doing. But it took throwing off all expectations of school and finishing my education to really learn. Ironic.

As glad as I am to finally be here, I get frustrated by my own frustration thanks to what I don't know.

What do I know? I know how to procrastinate, to fill time with busy work, to do the least amount of work for passing grades, to cram all studying into the night before because you don't really need any more. I learned to interact in a classroom setting (which is nothing like real life, fyi). I learned more from watching those around me and doing the things that were of interest to me (ie. sports, acting, cars, star wars [side note, I probably know more about star wars than any history of the US or world or any other class I ever took], music of the 60's 70's [skip 80's] 90's & 00's [?], computer games, etc).

Since now is a new time of life where I am forced to push myself and to create my own future since it is now in my hands rather than my teacher's or adviser's or parent's, I am a bit freaked out. But at least I have realized more about what life is all about. And what is that realization? I have no clue...

The rain today.

So here it is. Finally. A post that is more than just the normal conundrum of my life. Boring, I know.

But what does that take? What distracts my mind from everything back to my own selfish self? As I went camping this weekend, I sensed all my thoughts were either wrapped around my selfish self or some other completely negative thought. I do not want that to become who I am. Neither selfish nor depressing. I could blame it on a million things that logically make sense and could be tracked back to. Either way is regressive. So what now? I don't know...

But what I do know is that I am going to kill that last part of me. Not literally, no need for intervention. But metaphorically. It will come back I understand, but it is not who I want to become, so for that reason, I am leaving it behind. All this murderous and walking metaphors make me want to watch a movie.

Possibly, this is just a natural evolution: contentment, apathetic, discontent, upset, angry, answers, reoriented, repeat. At least that is how it has been, in a 3 month cycle with small cycles thrown in between to keep me on my toes. So here goes... the next chapter... the next season. Step one, getting refocused on progress and goals. Getting up earlier. I'm gonna shoot for around 5am and maybe pull it back from there, we will see where it goes. But it is in the name of focus and discipline. I got motivated thanks to Steve Pavlina's blog post on becoming an early riser. So read it and get motivated too, if you want. Otherwise stay tuned on how it goes with me.

Taking that step.

It has been a long time. So long I must be reminded how this all works. But it quickly comes back. As does the backlog of all that has been going through my mind. All the working refusing to quiet as I attempt to live day to day. Or rather, willing to let me live my days, only to haunt me throughout the night unwilling to allow sleep. Maybe "haunt" is too caustic of a word.

Somewhere in this Twitter filled lifestyle, these long passages seem almost irrelevant. Once the times pass, how can I really go back and give an accurate rendering of what really happened? Of how I really felt? And that is the key. In the good as well as the bad, how do I remember what I have learned even though I know each event has turned me one way or another. Although the current product of me 2.0 is what it is because of each happening, how do I remember the biggest turns so that I can go back and relive to continue that direction when I turn away? Especially this week. Once again I fall back on the typical doubts that have been forced into my head for so long. Once again I let life slip away into fear. into the hurt that I have somehow been able to forget. into the distraction that keeps me from being content. And finally I was called out. Called out, reaffirmed, and re-established. Good pain. Being told the reality that I haven't wanted to accept and look at.

And at that time, life becomes reality. No more running from it. Instead I accept what it is. Whatever this is. And I move. And I see. And I am comfortable. And I am content. For once. Content with myself, the world, as vague as that is, being able to sit back and instead of wanting I can love again. I can be honest with myself and all those around me. Such a small step, but finally the right step heading the right way.

Glad to Move on.

I'm glad to hear that you didn't care
Those feelings, I guess we never did share
Did you lie? Fake? Are they really just gone?
If that's the case, I'm glad you've moved on.

I was honest and straight, never gave less.
Was never afraid to show you the rest
Of my ugly side I like to keep locked away.
But then you move on after barely two days.

My heart isn't broken, I'm glad you moved on.
I'm glad we haven't spoken. I'm glad that you're gone.
I know I deserve better than a little girl like you.
I just wish you had felt what I felt, too.

I'd like to imagine, once more you'd think of me
And remember the kiss, the hug, but we
Would never have worked, I wish I'd seen
Earlier. But I'm happy. I'll take what had been.

The Escape

And it just builds. Builds past the point at which I can keep it in. That ambiguous feeling that I cannot quite put a finger on. The reason for continuously checking my phone and facebook while knowing there is no new messages. I miss home for no reason. I miss comfort without defining it. So I leave. I escape to another state, another country, alone. What am I really looking for?

That was my question even before I bought the tickets. Still unanswered. But then all of a sudden, the feeling returns. This feeling of something I cannot deny but must aprehend. Even still, the words refuse to form around the emotions that are there.

All this builds on top of the numerous thoughts and procedings of life. None of which are negative, but all of which fill up my time in my life and real estate in my head. The fact is I know my writing quality has dropped off. Mostly to laziness. But that laziness is based in the fact (albeit assumption) that no one is reading. Maybe not no one, but the person that I want to read it is not. I do not have someone to write to. Life is a story meant to be shared. Life shared is love.

Maybe that is what I am seeking. But how am I seeking that by running away? Am I really running? Or am I just becoming someone I cannot be while staying? Is it the search that I am after? The journey is the growth and the search is the journey. Who says that I have to find it in one continent or the other. And so here I am, flying away, seeking a new experience, maybe seeking a new experience to add to all others. Collecting in a way. An expensive collection, and sometimes quickly fleeting, yet what is your collection? What is a better, more noble, desire? I am not looking at the monetary value, or the bragging rights (to be honest, I might be somewhat), but I need that break from everyday life and everything that is familiar.

When did familiarities not allow us to live the life we want? And what, again, is it we want? If it was only a quantifiable, easy answer. If everything I could want could be listed out is such a robotic way that i could then buy or grab on my way home like a grocery list. But it is so much more. So much deeper. It is something to be found, not bought. Almost achieved but not not like a video game, more like a medal. But to get back to point, when we live a life not our own, we relinquish our rights to life. In one way, this is right. My life is not mine, but the One that I serve and by whom I choose to live. But this proves my point. As soon as we start to live by the rules and ideas of those around us we give that power to the mortals who are more foolish and insane than you. Not as a defamation against all humanity, but let’s face it, no one is better at living your life than you, so shouldn’t you live it?

That is what I have been seeking: a way to live my own life without having to run away. As you grow up, your life is directly attached to your family’s, but as you grow up that changes to your own life, your own friends, your own everything. Nothing is stopping me from anything in this foreign country. The best feeling in the world was driving last week with the windows down, music loud, and no responsibility to be anywhere but there. It was enjoying the moment and forgetting the past and future that allowed me to grasp the freedom and enjoyment. And so this is living, choosing to live, choosing to live your own life. Living that life without fear and in a way that can seek virtue and good. Without worry about life (that won’t do anything), and without pride (because that is only detrimental to everything and everyone), and with continuing to seek and search out this journey and continue this story we are all apart of.

Control

Sometimes from nowhere. Sometimes from somewhere specific. Usually without warning. Feelings. Thoughts. Fears. They all emote. Projecting their specific expression into your body and mind. What do you do with them is up to you. Do you harbor them? Do you reject them? Disregard and move on or accept, cultivate, and progress with them?

In this cruel world, we seek these feelings. We feel to be alive. Without feelings we are dead. And death is our greatest fear. To die is to completely let go and give up. This is not literal death but metaphorical. Walking dead. Zombies in this corporate world. They surround us. We all know a few. They epitomize the lack of life. And that is our greatest fear. Living without life. Instead we seek it everywhere else.

If that is death, what is life? Life is the culmination of feeling and not simply surviving. Such a simple analogy of life and death, but is it not true? What is life without feeling? And the greatest, strongest, most desirable feeling is love. To love and be loved. To be loved can be as empty as not loving because without mirroring that feeling, it is empty. Without love, life equals slowly dying. And do we really wonder why our kids are cutting themselves and committing suicide in record numbers? That sounds like an excellent option when you do not have someone to love and love you back. And I am not being sarcastic.

So instead, I try to feel. I try to reach out and live. Without living I am dying. There is an ability, or an option, to control your emotions rather than live by them. The fact of pain in life is part of feeling. It is not something to seek, but to accept and continue living. Continue growing. Without growth, there is death. Without conflict and resistance there is no growth. Opposite of love is hate. Opposite of growth is death. Opposite of living is indifference.

Playing the game

Is it all a game? Are we just playing different aspects of the same board game? It is as if one person is going for all the railroads, someone else is trying for all the utilities, and someone else is just trying to stay out of jail and get past Go for that $200.

What is this? Is it just a game? Are we just playing with our own bodies and minds trying to get ahead like in a race? Are we really trying to be the best versions of ourselves? Should we stop ourselves from achieving that goal? What is wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being the best version of me. Only, what am I willing to stop at? How far is too far? Should I even care?

I have been reading an article on neuro-enhancers and how they increase cognition. Incredible, and I can completely understand because when I have taken Vicodin and can focus and accomplish much more than usual. On top of that, I feel like a much better person: more outgoing, funnier, more lively. With the side affects of eating bad food and drinking, how much worse could these be for you, especially with the benefits that you get? The possibilities are endless when tempted with something like this. They are simple steps to get ahead and strive for more. Why not? If we are here playing a game, then should we not try to win? or at least be a better player?

The possible future

Sometimes I see that end of the tunnel. As if, what if, how else, et cetera. I see it clearly, as if in some altered state. Right now it is black and white and like a movie. Here it plays, no chance of rewinding, but it does have alternate endings. But that clarity is still so vague, so ambiguous and foreign. I live here and now. Living in the pool of my thoughts. Thinking through the forest of ponderings and trains available for departure and return. Where do they go, more importantly, where do they stop? All in one vast photograph of the past present and future. What a vague representation of the specific times emotions and feelings of people closest to me. The permanence of past, liquidity of love, and frailty of life itself. The day to day ebb and flow of each action, thought, and idea. It all wanes together in some force in this whole world. While being watched through the judging eyes of our own audience. Our audience of fools and lovers. The pressure. The fate... What we call life.

Extreme OCD

So paralyzed by fear. And it is fear which is unseated in anything meaningful. Obsessive compulsive people act out of irrational fears. We all have some irrational fears. And we all act out of some sense of fear. Fear and greed, they are the strongest motivators known to man. Some people have better control, yet some are completely controlled by them.

Today I saw a man who could not face the counter at the coffee shop. He decided to walk backwards the entire time and never looked at a single person. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen in real life. How do you get to that point? Where is his disconnect between his world and reality? What kind of thought process justifies such irrational behavior. I have had friends who must hit the button for the crosswalk a certain number of times, must wash their face a certain number of times, wash their hands in the restroom at least a certain number of times. Most of these are the are thanks to the marketing of cleaning product companies and overzealous news anchors. The foolish and extreme stories that are based on minor details and random facts to manufacture a story to sell to gullible people. They manufacture fear. And fearful people soak it up. It is why people are more afraid of the public bathroom than the public pool which has more excrements and is dirtier than most bathrooms.

But as I look into my own unsettled fear, what is causing irrational behavior for myself? What are my own irrational behaviors that are seated in unjustifiable fears? Why do I refuse to wear red, white, and blue in one outfit, even if it doesn't look patriotic or coordinated? Why do I sometimes fidget on my phone in order to feel productive or busy rather than sit there comfortably alone in the moment? Why do I clam up whenever I talk with attractive girls even if there is no reason to be afraid? Why do I focus so much on other peoples' thoughts and approval of my every move when I know it is impossible to satisfy them all? And why do I fear so much of my future that I usually refuse to risk it?

So much progress has been made on where I have been previously, but still so much remains left perfectly irrational (such an oxymoron). So this is the fight. This is the struggle between actions and fear-filled twisted logic. How would it even look if we could live without fear? in perfect rationality? What if each step we took would be perfectly purposeful and logical? Is that really what we should strive for? I do not think so, but just that ideal would be so many steps better than where we are. When will what we crave and desire actually match up with what we should (such a vague claim) and what is purposeful (such an subjective term)?

The worries of the Beach

What is it about the beach? The constant white noise of the waves crashing. The bright lights of the stars and moon illuminating only a few details. The cold sand under my feet. The warm breeze across the sand and my exposed skin. The grass whistling back and forth. Somehow the worries and thoughts of normal life just disappear. The struggles of money, life, relationships, and girls. All the stresses every day through my mind seem to melt away and I can enjoy the moment.

Maybe the white noise keeps my normal noise down. Maybe the light keeps my eyes on the environment at present. Maybe the solitude and soothing silence keeps the loneliness away. Maybe the cold sand and the warm breeze keeps me focused here and now at this time in life. Maybe the fresh air keeps the out the corporate ideal from entraping my entire being.

Whatever it is, I can be here and now and enjoy the peace. I can forget the life and struggles at home and grasp the peace and serenity of the moment.

The Thought

And then it hit me. Not like a brick, or a swift kick to the face. But more like a subtle "duh."

And there I was sitting. First just in my car, but it grew more as I sat in the book store. It is one day, then it is the next, then it is the next. And on and on until you cannot remember the last few days. I sit and I think and I dream, but that is where it stops. I need to go and do. I want to conquer. I want to be.

This, here and now will accomplish nothing. Why do I hold myself back? Why do I drag my feet? Why do I allow the struggles of each day keep me from accomplishing tomorrow? No more. I'm done with that.

Things are going to change.

Worse than Love

I can only think of one thing. This one act of will pushes past the normal pain into extreme. Feeling unloved is one thing. Knowing that few to no one cares can be so painful. But having to deny love is something else entirely. Being in a place where that need could be met, but realizing you are not here to merely meet needs. To try to forget what once was love, or something with its appearance. Not nearly to forget, but remember without the same feeling. To enjoy the taste without the presence.

All these similar feelings rush around like money in a game show. Only this time you cannot grab. The goal is to sit there and watch because you have been on this show before, and this money is not the true prize.

Hope again for another day. Another shot at it.

Me?

Why do I think so much of myself? Ironic question in itself. Counterproductive to its intended purpose as it is. Useless to gain it's own goal.

But what is my point? My point is that the harder you try to get away from yourself, the closer you get. Same goes for most everything. The more you try to leave it, the more it becomes a part of you, the more times you gravitate toward that moment, that emotion, that time, that person.

The act of the moving is counteracted by its opposite. Not a play on words but a fact of life. Maybe if we could only stop fighting? No. Maybe if we could only stop thinking? No again. The tail only turns us around if we choose to chase it. There are other leads to chase after.

Reality and Life

Thoughts jump from place to place without a care in the world. The music pumps through headphones keeping my mind distracted. The barista laughs. I cannot hear him, but you can see his joy without hearing. Life is funny when your head is trapped between speakers. I am happy here. Back and forth between reality and audio. One without the other and vice versa. An interesting perspective.

But what about the other perspectives? What am I missing? Am I choosing not to listen or feel or enjoy certain things in this reality we label as life? Because I know there is more to discover. Or should I just let go and live? Why do I need to think about this? Oh yeah, it is because my reality is currently trapped between two speakers and my laptop.

As I step back from that reality, I look around. First I look at the current reality. Then at the past reality we call memories. The music changes and snaps me back to the words flowing through my fingers. I was thinking of writing a simple honest post about the realities of life, but why bother? My reality is filtered through my biases and emotions. Those are changing. And quicker than I can keep up with. Instead I focus on what I am keeping up with and how to handle each thing in front of me. And for once I have been focusing on that. Honestly, it is not as exciting as it sounds, but I cannot complain much. Here I look at life and my perception of it, and I realize the importance of certain things and the unimportance of others. Then the next step is structure behaviors around those realizations. But easier said than done. We are creatures of habit. Our natural inclination is to stay in the ruts we have cut out for ourselves no matter how self-destructive. And, incidentally, without change and challenges, it is proven we lose IQ. We get dumber! Without life challenging us we become stupid.

It is not surprising. It makes sense since learning is not easy, but why then do we strive for the easy life? Why do we want the soft life when it actually is so detrimental so our own health and survival. All the latest struggles and challenges that have tried to kill me are only making me smarter. As much as I hate it, I am smarter than before. So I will continue. I will press on. That is the purpose of life. To not give up, to not get caught in your own small reality, but to stretch yourself. To fight on. The pain is temporary. But the gain can be monumental.

So to continue (and make you nearly bored of my lame writing ability), how do I deal with this? How do I throw off the false reality between the few inches between my cranium and a few more inches in front of my eyes? To be honest, I was not able to until life kicked me in the face enough times that I realized I had to kick back and take control. You cannot live life on cruise control. You will continue to run into things until you stop sleeping. (I learned that the hard way [joking reference to multiple car accidents])

And to continue on (since I have both caffeine and pain pills and good music flowing through my body I will keep going, not too sure if recommended, but whatever), life is too short to continue in the ruts you have dug for yourself. Certain attitudes and emotions are so immature and naive. They are ruts as well. Everything can be a rut if you allow it to take over your thinking. That is my biggest frustration. Reactions. I do not want better reactions, but faster thinking. I have not concluded anything, just thinking/writing out loud.

But what I have concluded is that I am done searching for the easy life. There is no point in life that things finally plateau. The longer you go, the higher you get, the steeper it becomes. But just like everything else, if you continue to fight, the easier it becomes. So do not give up. Keep fighting for what is worth fighting for. Otherwise, you can take the easy route; give up and let life win.

Freed Again

There is always healing after a swift kick in the face. That is the beauty of life. The ability to heal and grow and learn. And so I continue on, better than before. Stronger than I was. Closing that chapter and moving on. So freeing. So easy. So simple to just let go. If only I always realized this then there would be no problems. Nice thinking.

So as of now I promise not to look back. I learn in the moment and understand through the future. Life moves on, and there is no use to get caught up to try to catch up. I am here to look forward. If I continue to look behind, I will continue to run into the same things. [I thought that was a good saying]. And so here I go, looking up.

Once again...

Sometimes the day just does not turn as you thought. Things run along until you are shocked awake in some new way. And that is how it happened. It is also amazing how your mind fills in the blanks about the parts of life you don't have time to remember. Basically: things I cannot let go of; things that stay not because of I want them to, but I don't know how to continue on, I don't know if I want to, but I must.

Life moves on.
People moved on.
I can't.

So with another kick in the face, I get another dose of reality. It is a dose big enough to knock me off my feet, but just low enough not to put me out. But it is what I need. Things are moving so quickly, life is teaching so much, but once again I get lazy and slow. If things are not fast enough, things can always be faster, they can always be better. It is not that faster and better is what this life is about, but instead there is no reason to be slow and mediocre. What is the point? That turns into a boring life. Life offers more. Life is what you make of it.

Happiness must wait

I have been gone too long. The first blog back from a break is either great or crap. Today's was the latter. Better luck tomorrow.

Half thoughts

All day now I have been listening to talks and speeches by people much smarter than I am. Each has at one point done something to let them stand out in their field to know more than the rest. And with each exposition I understand their side, I relate to their examples and we connect in some metaphysical way.

Because of my lack of knowledge, I know I cannot refute or much dialog with them. We could have a good conversation because they are usually cool people, but from what I know and my own experiences in the world, I know that at least some of what they say is true. But how much of it?

I see their argument, their theory on this portion of life they work with. But that is all it is. When I stop and think, I see holes and things they assume or deny. Does that invalidate them? No. They are still standouts in their field for a reason. They know more than I do.

But this is not my point to figure out when to discount or believe people with credentials. My point is what do you do with opposing, believable ideas? How do you reconcile two thoughts each with faults and each with truths? Where do you put them? You cannot discount both or believe both.

The Death Test

How many times have you heard this: "if you knew you only had a few years to live, what would you do, what would you change?" How many youth leaders, motivational speakers, movies and books have dwelled on this? What about one year to live? Six months? One month? One week? One hour?

What would you do?

If life was reprioritized for you, wouldn't you be more productive and specific in each choice you made? Shouldn't you live like that now since you do not know how long you will live, and if you do it will help your priorities?

Absolutely not! I try to set my state of mind and reprioritize my life again and suddenly realize the absurdities of this idea to live each day as your last. Are you serious? It is stupid to believe you could do more by believing you are living less.

Let me explain myself. First, you should live like there is a tomorrow. Quit stressing about what you are not getting done. Focus on one or a few things. Life will go on. Second, there are consequences to what you choose. What you do today, you will live with forever, so choose wisely. And plan accordingly, third. You will go nowhere in life, if you do not have a destination. Once you have that destination, work backwards to smaller destinations and then translate them into to do lists to be done today.

But quit wasting time. Because you do not have a lot of it.

The Pursuit of Happyness

What is happiness? What does it mean and how is it implemented? How do you live a happy life? To some it is a state-of-mind. To some it is chemical balance. To some it is spiritual or emotional states. And to some it is a psychological contentment. And each explanation has some weight. There are theories and ideas that make sense to the average person and right now I am trying to sort some of them out.

Is happiness just the absence of its opposite? For me, I cannot agree that happiness is a life without stress, pain, and struggles. That just sounds boring. But maybe it is that, only more basic. What if it is life without complaints, without hate, and without anxiety. Maybe average joe can enjoy life by ignoring the small struggles in life (although I hate the idea of the book Don't sweat the small stuff, because the small stuff can add up quickly).

As I continue on in one of the most stressful months of my life, I cannot deny the emotional anxiety that is continually ruining my happiness. I cannot push it out no matter how hard I try. As I seek this sense of balance so that I can just simply think straight, my body fights away from it, telling me I need something else. All of its options I know do not correct the problem, they only prolong the time. This fight, this struggle continues on from morning til my dreams. No answer and no one to talk to. Everyone can relate in some way, but no one really understands. No one is here. No one is in my shoes.

But that is not the problem. Because it is the same for every other person as well. I must persevere to find that joy as much as the next person. How can I push through? I know there is an answer. But I do not think it will be as easy as I think it should, nor will it be as complicated as I am guessing. It is more than denying. It is more than receiving. It is more than this life has. It is more than what I think it should be. But I know it is there.

If you want a trip, check out Daniel Craig. He has some interesting thoughts on happiness. Enjoy


[what does that even mean? Enjoy?]

Lent

Lent was never something I knew even existed. I had not heard of the word until after high school. Maybe it was just something none of the people close to me held as worthwhile, but the idea of it could be quite powerful. I have fasted from different things multiple times without real reason, but more for the experience or trying to get through something. Now I want to fast for a more spiritual reason of getting the important things realigned.

But what do I fast from? I see the obvious selfish things that it could turn into: dieting and exercise, sleeping more, not spending money on certain foods, and a bunch of other things that could take away from the purpose of spiritual growth and Christian living (which I know is extremely vague, but it is because there is so much that can be put into those two terms).

So currently, I am thinking of certain entertainment and spending money, eating out, buying stupid things, getting on a set eating schedule to not indulge in certain foods, drinking only water, getting up early, reading a few books I have been putting off, hanging out with some friends I have become distant with, etc. But that is where I am at. I really want to fast from something while growing spiritually and stimulating my mind. I want to "discipline my body." So we shall see where it goes. Stay tuned.

Switch

So I was quite frustrated the last few days (ha ha, more like weeks), but it feels as if I have gotten past that. But I think instead of quitting my blog, and instead of starting a Twitter (which was an idea), I think instead this blog will become a shorter, more up-to-the-date thought life through my head. Mostly, I am not a attention-hungry teenager (yes, I am aware of how many I's I have used already), and I am not an amazing writer that can make a living off his rhetoric. Instead, this is an experiment in honest, blatant living. This is not for anyone else, so honestly, I would rather you not read it. I don't care. If you have feedback, please let me know. If you comment, let me know who you are. Otherwise, read it, take it as it is: my thoughts. I don't expect anything from this, so neither should you. Not to be rude, just honest.

The inspiration of the day

Sometimes I just need inspiration. I need something to spark a thought together. The same way a leader or hero gathers people together, my thoughts need aligning to come together as a complete thought, a complete story.

And maybe that is it. Maybe that is the story and the reason. All leaders also need someone to follow. They need a hero. A role model. The thoughts come together and make sense as I grope around in this life looking for some direction. A bit of a director could have been helpful to this point.

And like that, the pieces fall together to form a picture. I see it in my head, and could write it out on paper, but I feel held back. It is probably for the best, but as the story in my head is dying to get out, the same story is best left unsaid. One thing I am learning is when to speak and when to shut up. I am not good at either. I usually shut up. But right now, that is best. As frustrating as it is, I need to leave that battle for another week, the last few weeks have been battles enough within myself. Today is the first day I can stand all day and look forward to the next.

But what of inspiration and leadership? I am still looking, but I know it is there, and I need look more. Until then, I am not sure. I am debating killing my blog and writing completely for myself. There I can completely express myself without judgment. Here I go again, searching for safety. But maybe it is not safety, but protection.

A New Leaf

Or some lame analogy like that. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Life is change.

What is it? How am I getting past it? I have no clue. My mind is continually filled with questions and answers trying to navigate this life and come out on the other side successfully. What does successful even look like?

Once again I have more time to myself, nothing I would have picked, but it just happened. Out of the blue. So I have been trying to fill the time, fill my mind, fill the void. But it continues: the emptiness. That feeling. That strange unwelcomed feeling of space and time [sounds scientific, but it isn't]. I try to blame or explain the new expanse of time, but I cannot. It just happened. Maybe I had wanted it, maybe I had not. But I was trying so hard not to bring it back, I was just really trying for balance in it all. But it couldn't be. There were too many variables, too many things vying for the same limited time and space in my mind and heart.

What were those variables? Who cares? It does not matter. The time is back, and it is here to stay. It has to. I can't go back without it. I would like to, but I've tried too many times, tried too hard. This time always wins. This expanse of emptiness has found its way back in, back to create the void. Since the void has come back, I have been searching for random things to feed its craving, satisfy its wants, create fillers for this time that again rules my life. Maybe it is time to clean up and clear my head, try to move on.

But that takes time. I don't want time.

I am starting again

Here goes again. Just around the corner seems to be this motherlode for my final push into something. It is a sink-or-swim that I have been struggling in. Allowing myself to either wallow or drown, imagining that I am forcing myself stronger, but I don't need to fight when I can stand in the shallow end. Life has become simple yet complex all in the same week. With a few things I see how easy it could be and realize the distance I need to run, but readying myself for it. But as soon as I start, I allow the complexity of it all to beat me down. I am about to push back as soon as I find myself again. As soon as I start fighting smarter instead of pushing back on the stupid wall that will get me nowhere.

I realize the lameness of this post, and I really do not care. Once again in my life, I have to start where I am at. This isn't where I will stay. Life and time will carry on with or without me. Part of me just hopes and prays that I will keep up, but whatever happens will be what happens. Trying to push off stress and the people that frustrate me is just another losing battle. I am stopping to smell the roses for once. I won't stay long. There are more important things to do.

The drive and desire have slowed down for a little bit, but they will be back soon. I am out there searching for them. It won't be long.

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily" - Napoleon

Only a week-and-a-half late

And there goes another post to the trash.

So I take role again. What am I trying to say? Is it really important enough to post? Or am I still trying to figure it out in my head before I post it to the world? Who am I kidding. I post these for myself as a window into my life. I do not care who reads it. If you decide to look, then fine, but I have tried writing for others before and it did not work as I like. So here goes.

What am I doing here? I know I have drive and such, but once again I see where I am lacking and where I come up short. Again I am having to reprioritize and focus on the things I want to accomplish.

But that brings another question. What do I really want to accomplish, and why? [I am honestly tired of typing question marks. fun fact] What is the importance to the questions I am asking? I heard someone comment on the question of what is the purpose of life, and his take was that it is one of the most stupid, ambiguous and vague questions in the world. No wonder people cannot answer it. Why should we take it seriously? Who cares? It is not important. But then what is the question we should be asking? Whatever it is, it needs to be answerable. That is what I am working on right now. Quit wasting time on stupid things and focus on what I want to do today.

I sit here, again for the millionth time thinking the same things and getting somewhere but in reality it is nowhere. My life has been chasing its tail expecting to find something once it is caught, but where does it lead? It just turns circles while justifying that at least I am getting exercise.

These last few weeks of horrendous stress have left me at a loss for words and strength. I will be happy when these few things have passed and I can again think straight, start searching again for the purpose of life [sarcasm] and find traction. But I have realized that in this whole goal of being a better person will only get me better than the next guy. What is the true goal? What is it that I really want? Maybe I can be specific and instead list out what I could change. Be a better person there, but this ideal is a complete lie in reality. I need to focus, once again.

The stress of life

I hate having to delete a complete post because it was crap. But hopefully there will be a replacement soon. The thoughts are about to explode if they do not somehow escape soon.

Success or Failure

After fighting the internal struggles my whole life, I see which ones keep coming up and which are easily corrected. As new ones start and old ones continue, I naturally fight for a way to disperse the emotions connected with them. Sometimes after failing the same way, the same times, over and over, I try to defer the pain of being a failure. Although I understand the prioritization of major to minor failures, I still see some major ones surfacing through my entire life.

When these failures jump back into the front seat every now and then I see the drive within myself for success and monetary gain. I know and understand the imbalance between the two being that having money will not cover the broken relationships or the inability I have to fix some things with other people or myself. But the conclusion is this: in order to defer the feeling of failure, I need to fight for success somewhere else. When I cannot fix the failure in one place, I search for a place where I can find success, namely monetary gain and success in life. I look at what the world constitutes as success and strive for that so that I might be able to get past the failure I feel that is most important or closest to me. Somehow my mind feels they can replace or negate each other. In my heart I know this is not true, but intellectually I feel the more wins will overlook the number of losses. Life is not a numbers game, but somehow I look to improve my win-loss percentage rather than go back and spend the time to rewrite/fix the losses in my life. The emotional pain that has been or must be endured due to my failures as a person, as a human being, does not seem to outweigh the time and money necessary if I can instead just start fresh.

If only I could just start fresh and forget or get past all the drudge that seems to drive my desire for success.

All men are not created equal

As I look around and think of who I want to become, I realize who is already there and so far ahead of me and I get depressed and upset. Sometimes I can block that out of my mind in order to push on to try to conquer and grow, but not always. It is not easy to push on every day in spite of all the negative feedback and feelings that come with opposition. With all the self-help books and blogs and articles that I have read, I feel like I have a better edge on the guy next to me, but that is not certain. Besides, life isn't about just beating the guy next to you, because there will always be someone better. That is life.

So instead of getting upset, I started thinking about what I have learned with all the advice I have read. I have done all the reading for you so it can be put into short little bullet points. So for anything that you want to do, and haven't yet, here it is:

1. Stop procrastinating. There is no reason for you to put it off.
2. Find the worst that could happen if you didn't do it. Trust me, they are not that bad.
3. Ask for advice, but second-guess anyone who will say not to do it. Are they really knowledgeable enough to say no? Why are they saying no? If they say yes, then just do it.
4. Break it down into smaller, bite-size pieces. If it is something that will be long-term, break it down in to short-term goals. If it is a large project, break it into smaller pieces that you can work on independently of each other.
5. Start. "Many a misstep was made by standing still." The kinks will work themselves out and problems will come up, but if you don't start, you won't find out, and only stop yourself because of the fear of them.
6. Quit wasting time. Quit procrastinating. Just start.

That is it. I should write a book. Actually, I'll probably remember five more things in about an hour, but whatever. At least I started. I can fix them later.

But this is my point: we are not all the same, everybody else is better than you in some way. But it does not have to be like that. If you decide to be beaten, then you will always be the loser. Now is the time. The ball is in your court. What are you gonna do today?

Where are my thoughts?

Les Schwab is a boring place to hang out at. Especially when it is costing this much. Also when it might take three hours and the tv is turned to soap operas. Not my idea of a great afternoon. But it is a necessary date here by myself.

But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).

My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.

I am the Perfect Man

The day was going quite well. When things are good you tend to feel good about yourself. So as I was driving to an appointment to start on my financial freedom. I was trying to give some good advice to a friend. I am currently mentoring a few of my good high school kids at my youth group. Reaching out to witness to a good friend. I have quite a good group of friends, most of which I would feel confident asking for real help. I am athletic and in shape. My hair looked good, face shaved. My outfit was comfortable and also looked good. Form and functionable. I am working on my companies. On investing. On investing in myself and becoming a better person. Things are good with me, to be honest.

And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."

For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.

I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.

But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.

How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.

Definition of Inspiration

What does it take? What creates that feeling to be creative? How is it that I look for inspiration but it isn't found, it just comes or it doesn't?

Was it the sunrise I saw?

Was it that feeling? that emotion?

Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?

Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.

So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.

Life is a Journey. Enjoy it.

As I sit in Peet's pondering the acts of life and trying to think of my goals for the year and aspirations of life (and the conversation of those around me, and the afternoon as I see it, and the meaning of my last blog, and the future of this blog, and everything else...), I continue to surf the world wide web in lieu of these and find a few gems that change my thinking.

I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.

Life: create-you-own. reject all others.

We have this image to uphold. Who told us that this is who we need to be? There is this underlying feeling most of us have to be or become something worth something. But why is there such a large gap or a large misconception of what we should be? I understand those two options are completely different and seemingly unrelated, but I will get to that. My point is why can we not "be all that we can be" without joining the Army or something.

Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.

But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.

[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]

Now I digress.

My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.

Contentment with Complacency

Maybe because it just is not me. Maybe because I hate it in my own life and cannot quite find the that contentment with myself.

When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."

Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."

I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.

Parade of Facades

Why do we hide? Why do we live with these masks? And I am not talking about just protecting the ugliness we have inside, I am talking about the jems and the personality we have inside each of us. The real you. Why do we always attempt to entertain, please, or control peoples' perception of what we think we should be? Why can we not sit down and be real?

Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].

I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.

We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.

Quit hiding.

Finding Trust and Love in an Externally Driven Physical World

Love/Hate. Together/Broken. Trust/Fear. Beauty/Unattractive.

With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.

But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?

This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.

To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.

Another Year, A New Day

There is no use in making resolutions. I personally despise all that lazy people that clog up the gyms for the first two or three months of the year because they feel this will be different than the last 5 years. But that is not the point, it actually ruins my own quasi-resolutions I have already started.

Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]

But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.

While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.

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I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.

So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.

This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."

This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.

Happy New Year.