As I look around and think of who I want to become, I realize who is already there and so far ahead of me and I get depressed and upset. Sometimes I can block that out of my mind in order to push on to try to conquer and grow, but not always. It is not easy to push on every day in spite of all the negative feedback and feelings that come with opposition. With all the self-help books and blogs and articles that I have read, I feel like I have a better edge on the guy next to me, but that is not certain. Besides, life isn't about just beating the guy next to you, because there will always be someone better. That is life.
So instead of getting upset, I started thinking about what I have learned with all the advice I have read. I have done all the reading for you so it can be put into short little bullet points. So for anything that you want to do, and haven't yet, here it is:
1. Stop procrastinating. There is no reason for you to put it off.
2. Find the worst that could happen if you didn't do it. Trust me, they are not that bad.
3. Ask for advice, but second-guess anyone who will say not to do it. Are they really knowledgeable enough to say no? Why are they saying no? If they say yes, then just do it.
4. Break it down into smaller, bite-size pieces. If it is something that will be long-term, break it down in to short-term goals. If it is a large project, break it into smaller pieces that you can work on independently of each other.
5. Start. "Many a misstep was made by standing still." The kinks will work themselves out and problems will come up, but if you don't start, you won't find out, and only stop yourself because of the fear of them.
6. Quit wasting time. Quit procrastinating. Just start.
That is it. I should write a book. Actually, I'll probably remember five more things in about an hour, but whatever. At least I started. I can fix them later.
But this is my point: we are not all the same, everybody else is better than you in some way. But it does not have to be like that. If you decide to be beaten, then you will always be the loser. Now is the time. The ball is in your court. What are you gonna do today?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Where are my thoughts?
Les Schwab is a boring place to hang out at. Especially when it is costing this much. Also when it might take three hours and the tv is turned to soap operas. Not my idea of a great afternoon. But it is a necessary date here by myself.
But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).
My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.
But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).
My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am the Perfect Man
The day was going quite well. When things are good you tend to feel good about yourself. So as I was driving to an appointment to start on my financial freedom. I was trying to give some good advice to a friend. I am currently mentoring a few of my good high school kids at my youth group. Reaching out to witness to a good friend. I have quite a good group of friends, most of which I would feel confident asking for real help. I am athletic and in shape. My hair looked good, face shaved. My outfit was comfortable and also looked good. Form and functionable. I am working on my companies. On investing. On investing in myself and becoming a better person. Things are good with me, to be honest.
And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."
For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.
I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.
But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.
How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.
And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."
For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.
I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.
But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.
How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.
Definition of Inspiration
What does it take? What creates that feeling to be creative? How is it that I look for inspiration but it isn't found, it just comes or it doesn't?
Was it the sunrise I saw?
Was it that feeling? that emotion?
Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?
Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.
So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.
Was it the sunrise I saw?
Was it that feeling? that emotion?
Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?
Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.
So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Life is a Journey. Enjoy it.
As I sit in Peet's pondering the acts of life and trying to think of my goals for the year and aspirations of life (and the conversation of those around me, and the afternoon as I see it, and the meaning of my last blog, and the future of this blog, and everything else...), I continue to surf the world wide web in lieu of these and find a few gems that change my thinking.
I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.
I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.
Life: create-you-own. reject all others.
We have this image to uphold. Who told us that this is who we need to be? There is this underlying feeling most of us have to be or become something worth something. But why is there such a large gap or a large misconception of what we should be? I understand those two options are completely different and seemingly unrelated, but I will get to that. My point is why can we not "be all that we can be" without joining the Army or something.
Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.
But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.
[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]
Now I digress.
My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.
Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.
But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.
[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]
Now I digress.
My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Contentment with Complacency
Maybe because it just is not me. Maybe because I hate it in my own life and cannot quite find the that contentment with myself.
When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.
When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Parade of Facades
Why do we hide? Why do we live with these masks? And I am not talking about just protecting the ugliness we have inside, I am talking about the jems and the personality we have inside each of us. The real you. Why do we always attempt to entertain, please, or control peoples' perception of what we think we should be? Why can we not sit down and be real?
Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].
I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.
We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.
Quit hiding.
Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].
I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.
We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.
Quit hiding.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Finding Trust and Love in an Externally Driven Physical World
Love/Hate. Together/Broken. Trust/Fear. Beauty/Unattractive.
With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.
But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?
This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.
To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.
With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.
But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?
This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.
To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Another Year, A New Day
There is no use in making resolutions. I personally despise all that lazy people that clog up the gyms for the first two or three months of the year because they feel this will be different than the last 5 years. But that is not the point, it actually ruins my own quasi-resolutions I have already started.
Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]
But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.
While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.
-------------
I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.
So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.
This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.
Happy New Year.
Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]
But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.
While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.
-------------
I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.
So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.
This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.
Happy New Year.