I'd rather be thinking

To be honest, I do not want to write. There is so much on my mind that it cannot be canned into a simple and stupid blog. But of course, when can it?

So to give you a pass at my mind, I have been thinking about permanence. So much of our lives these days... [Okay, that's right, I am trying to be honest and take responsibility] So much of my life consists of jumping from one temporary thing to the next. Example: temporary jobs, school and classes which I can drop or skip, apartments on 6 month to one year lease, and plans with friends that can be scrapped if something better comes up. No joke, that is the life I live in and what I have been used to.

But now what about permanence? I have been thinking of something more like a permanent tattoo, a 30 year mortgage (temporary, true, but temporary for 30 years is practically permanent in my mind), and marriage. When my friends get married and the main thing they freak out about is "Is she/he the one?" As these options come closer and I have to think about it, I am finally okay with that. It freaks me out a little because it is growing up, but honestly it means I am just willing to stand behind my decisions. My word means something to me. Should making plans with friends keep me responsible to follow through? Of course. But it is not the end of the world if not. What about the rest of the major decisions? What if a house becomes a bad decision? What if a relationship turns into a bad marriage? What if my bet to go all in turns out wrong? Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all(?).

New subject. As I come out of this trial that I have got myself into, I feel so relieved that for once, I pushed through and did not give up. In maybe a sinful way, I am proud of myself (another area to work on). But it makes me happy to see the progress. And I truly am looking for the next thing coming. I am sure I am not ready for it, but I am actually looking for ways to overstretch myself and see what I can take. Who knows what might happen, but I have realized quite a few places that need serious work (pride, selfishness, communication, truly loving other people, what it means to "love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your might," et cetera).

Another update, this whole radical honesty thing has been an interesting journey. Not as easy as you think, because in a lot of ways it can be rude and selfish what you are thinking. But it has let me be more honest with myself and be more honest with my own feelings. So it is a step in the right direction, but I have not jumped all in with everything. I can't yet. Even though it does not require permanence, it does require commitment.

Except for that, I am fed up with so much of the horrible lies and facades people live with every day. It is suffocating. It is lies and I truly wish people could be honest and cut through the crap that hold us back from our full potential. It is the honesty that is so painful that we choose to lie. It is so frustrating for each of us to desire to be the best versions of ourselves but to have every person lie to you in order to save face. That is my current frustration.

And those are my current thoughts.
I am going to go back to my thoughts.

To be honest

What would happen if we (or selfishly: I) never lied again in my life? Isn't that my Christian duty? Then why do we -- especially as Christians -- skirt around that issue? What if I was completely honest with every person that I deal with every day. I know that right now I would hurt a lot of feelings.

To start, I am really depressed. I am upset at the world for a million reasons. I don't want to deal with people or their drama. I really just want people to care about me.

My parents are stressing me out. I have never liked Christmas mainly for this reason. At least my sisters are cool even though I don't feel like I am anything like them. We just share blood and the same family struggles.

I want to work things out with this girl, but I feel that she despises me currently for a few reasons which I can't completely blame her. But she is not making things easy and I am stressing out because I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her again, and I know that is always a possibility.

To stay on that topic, here at Peet's, I noticed the girl working here, the girl sitting behind me, the two girls in front of me, the girl (I think) trying to work things out with her boyfriend (who looked like a douche) and the two or three other semi-attractive girls that have walked in. But honestly, I would not want at all to be with any of these girls, I just want to feel attractive and feel important by talking to them and having them interested in me. I feel slightly prideful and selfish about that. Okay, quite a bit prideful.

I hate that 85%+ of my sentences start with "I..." and most every blog is completely about me. I wish I was a better writer and people would want to read this because it is a great literary piece -- which it is not. I wish most every thought I had was not about trying to fix things with myself but rather to care and love those around me. But what should I expect when I feel completely alone and that no one gives a ........ about me? Just feelings, right?

I am so glad that this is Christmas break and that I don't have to deal with school because it is a waste of time and I am way smarter than most of the people there and I should be able to do whatever I want/anything I can accomplish if only I didn't have to deal with these personal complexes and fear most of which I want to blame on my upbringing.

I am a completely selfish and prideful person. But before you judge me, at least I am doing something about it. And I feel that most people could never handle what I am going through to try to fix that within me. Not to be existential, but if only more people would quit their complaining and do something their lives would be much better and they would be much better people. All the crying and pain that I have been dealing with the last few weeks has been worth it and I know that I will be a much better person after it all.

I do not know what else to say; I think I got most of it out that was on the tip of my brain, but I also know that there is much more in there. This is only a semi-ranting about my life. As selfish as it is, I am only trying to be honest, so do not try to judge me. If you really think I am wrong, tell me. And then I can prove you wrong, but at least we can have a serious and honest conversation.

There will be more posts like this, I am sure.

For more info, check out Radical Honesty or an interview of the guy by AJ Jacobs.

For Survival

The human body and the emotional state of man tries to push past certain emotional and ideological blocks in life. It is our new trials for survival of the fittest with completely new rules. Completely new desires. Completely new outcomes.

With our few human desires: first love, second I don’t know, that first one is all that I have deduced to have true meaning. The other desires tend to branch off the first. These desires are completed through different relationships, all which are human and therefore flawed. The flaws in each of our relationships stem from our own lack of human decision making which lately, I have personally seen fallen completely apart all too often. In all of this, we look to grow and survive from our own human emotion and anger at ourselves. Especially it exasperates itself when it is pushed up in your face after a long absence by trying to deal with it separately. New feelings, emotions, struggles fall upon you as you realize the full capacity of what you have lost and where your decisions have brought you. When consequences move from a ideological standpoint to an actual and emotional one.

When these consequences arise, we all deal with them differently. As any being, we look to lessen the pain. An outlet for our feelings. As I try to get rid of the emotions and think straight, these desires for an outlet mount and the emotions take over. I sit back, look for an outlet, look for some way to alleviate the pain at my own stupidity.

And I honestly laughed at myself today -- not that it is a new thing -- but at the way I was trying to go about doing this. I had a few options: continue in my feeling sorry for myself and at my stupid decisions; move on and just continue trying to block the emotions; or jump ahead, prove to everybody that I am better than everybody while denying the emotions. None of these were practical, none of these would actually work. This stupid idea made me think I needed to make all this money so I could instead move on and move up in the world. My own stupidity decides that money will fix things. I can’t do that. Money will not do anything. It will only move myself from one place to another with the same person. I need to fix me. I need to change myself. As high school kids turn into college kids turn into kids with careers with their own kids, nothing changes with the person unless they do something to grow up. Nothing changes except the surroundings and the circumstances.

So here I continue alone with my hopes and dreams and funny stupid ideas. It will finish out, and I know it will be better. You tend to go where you are looking, so I will keep looking to where I need to be. This boy to man thing is really draining.

"Mistakes of Ambition"

In this blizzard of life with consequences, emotions, fears, and more flying all around me I am only trying to find a way to grow up.

As I try more and more and harder and harder to become the person I feel I should be, more problems arise and weaknesses show themselves. And without any one really teaching me or showing me, I am lost in my own path groping around for direction and ideas. Machiavelli in The Prince wrote "All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer." [emphasis mine]

I have no clue what I am doing, I just know that I need to be doing. So I am not running in order to go faster, but to run longer and run further. I am truly sorry for everyone I hurt along the way, I feel bad because of how I have been hurt, but this is not about me. It is not my intention. It is only my fallacies as a human without any direction or mentor. As I look to certain people, I try to grasp some idea of being a man and this month has given me clarity without distractions around me. I have found some direction and maturity, and I have seen that I'll be needing more of it.

So here I continue on, so much going on, but I will keep going, because I would rather make mistakes of ambition. Life will go on, and I refuse to be stagnant where I am.

Have caffeine, will write

As I sit here in Peet's, I've eaten a brownie (I try to resist, but I can't) and sipped on two shots (I don't resist, they're cheap). But the more time I spend here, the less I accomplish. There is so much to do, so much time.

It has been almost two weeks since I have cut myself off music, movies, etc., and it has been refreshing yet debilitating. As productive as it can be, the productive juices have since stopped flowing. Not to say I had a lot before, but I cannot think. This is somewhat a good thing considering all the thoughts running through my head constantly. My to-do list is completed quickly, but I cannot think of more to add. So many things are in my goal/future column, but all the stuff preceding that have been cleared out of my head. With only one blog post previously this month shows how much hasn't been on my mind.

To look on the positive side, my thought life (if there is such a thing) has been completely revamped. Instead of perusing floating emotions and ideas and everything moving in and out of my mind, I finally stopped the clutter and focus on a topic until it ends. Come to a conclusion and quit wasting my time and stress on it. Also, my focus has been able to reap a few rewards. Homework is done quickly. Time is less pressed. My to-do list is cleared. My mind is less cluttered. And my conscience is less desensitized (ie. movies). But I have not decided what I want to do with it. Songs are so embedded so deep in my head that I can't not have them running through my head. It refuses to stop. My alarm will inhibit my mind all morning as mental chewing gum.

Also, as a positive, I am starting on my photography business. Continually I am pushing myself to find new things and go out and just shoot. So much in the photographic business world has opened up. So many ideas, procedures, possibilities. And it only costs money to start. But what do I have to lose. I am tired of spinning my tires and dragging my feet. This is going to start. It will be something. I am doubtful it will make my millions, but we will work on that later. I need more creative juices for that all to start.

The last month of the year

As I further myself from continuing the blog each day, I get less and less used to it.

I just deleted a long post that really came out to nothing; it was complete crap.

So instead, I will tell you my plans for December, which I do not know why, or why I should tell you all.

First, I am not listening to music at home, in the car, or anywhere where I don't need it. Basically, only when I am working at Peet's and need to silence the noise around me. Otherwise, I am trying to silence all the noise that I keep running all the time. Already I have less distractions and more focus on my thoughts.

Second, I am not watching TV or movies unless it is with a group of people. I don't want to be the lame guy who isn't watching TV for no reason and stops everybody else from doing it. I have just decided that when I am alone, it is more of a distraction than any type of help. Once again, I have already realized how much it kills any productivity and grabs my interest without any type of reward. It is just a waste.

Third, the only thing I am going to buy is Christmas presents for other people. I do not need anything. I never do. I just want things. So unless it is food or other staples of my existence [that sounds philosophical, what exactly are staples of existence?] I am going to keep from buying it until after this year.

Fourth, the thing that started this idea of cutting back from the distractions, is the time I spend at Barnes & Nobles with the magazines. From design to architecture to photography to style, all magazines are created as information to sell. There is a ton of good information in them, and that is the main reason I read them. But until after Christmas (since that is when they'll have the new one's anyway) I am choosing not to look at any magazines. Most of this stems from the fact that most magazines are filled more with ads than articles, and magazines ads are many times more productive at selling than TV and radio and all other types of advertising. I will still be spending time at Barnes & Noble, but so far, I have started two different books, and I am learning to speed read. It is quite easy.

That is all. Hopefully this will help me out and answer a few questions I have about myself.

Mindful Wanderings on a Sunny Day

It was too nice outside to be in. But there was too little time for a run or ride or anything else I would normally do. So I just walked outside without a coat or a plan. It was kind of freeing. No pressure. I had 45 minutes until one of my friends came over. Time to kill.

There was nothing on my mind. Correction: there was a million things in my mind, but nothing to think about. To focus my energy on. So I just walked.

I found myself again at peet's. Outside, cross-legged, in a chair on the patio. Again, there was nothing to dwell on. I slightly felt purposeless, but I let that thought pass as well. I just thought about the people, the conversations, the memories, here at this table and just around.

Is this the story, the timeline being written about life? Here on Sunday morning with the world in front of me. What is my next move? What is happening next?

Who knows. But I have another twenty minutes to sit here in the sun. I'll think about it.

As Time Goes By

Counting time by how many 2-hour internet passes at Peet's coffee, puts into perspective all that I have been trying to accomplish. Focusing on what is most important and effective attempts to train yourself to work smarter as well as harder. To be honest, I think I have spent more than 17 hours over the last week. I never thought I would be a coffee shop rat, but since I get so much more accomplished here than at home, I justify the $2.15 I spend for two shots of espresso with a packet of raw sugar.

As I try to focus on the unending amount of information I am trying to glean from the internet and books, these 17+ hours have taught me more than this whole term at PSU costing more than $2500 not including lost time working and travel costs. It amazes me that we as a civilization are still trapped in this cycle of college teachers pretending to know what they are talking about when all they need is to be re-hired. Maybe I am just upset that I am getting what I pay for and really need just something more than Portland. My dreams are too big for my city. And not in any pretensious way, but I really want to conquer the world. And I feel more suppressed by the institutionalized education system than liberated. All this, plus the whole holiday season (that I have never really enjoyed) and the impending cold, impending weather, and shorter days (not to add my recent failures as a man) have put me back into this funk that I have been fighting all fall. It is another season that has dampened the great excitement of the summer. It really is just a smack of reality after a season of optimism. Here is where the rubber meets the road (to use the cliche) and we must reorganize our lives and priorities in order to continue on in a realistic manner.

You realize quickly who your friends are and who you consider as friends. You prioritize much differently. And important things are rearranged in your schedule. It is an important excercise that awkwardly happens annually. How can we continue on without being slaves to this system? How can we control it without it controlling us? Or is it even possible? Or is it really the best since we must take inventory of our thought again as a systematic task.

Maybe I am overthinking. or maybe overworking. I hope not, because I really want to be something bigger than myself and accomplish something that means more to me than myself. Freedom is really all that everybody wants in life. I am not an exception. I just do not want to be average.

Boy A

Rarely does a movie choose you while you choose a movie. Rarely does a movie hit you so powerfully without you realizing it until you nearly cry at the end because of its relation to you. All I looked for was a good movie. Something that was worth my time, and this one barely beat out There Will Be Blood, only because it was shorter.

As it started, I thought of the unrealism and the lack of necessary items that usually make me dislike most movies. But for some reason, I immediately told myself that movies, especially independent films, are meant for the hypothetical purpose, not as much for the great plot, story, acting, realism, etc. This captivating story of this boy becoming a man shows a distinct line between who we are and who we want to be. But the problem is that we cannot disconnect the two.

I spent the day alone. It was quite interesting. I have not done that in a while. I went to church, late, went to Peet's, saw some people, then did a few errands and whatever afterwards. There were few and short conversations over phone and stuff, but nothing in person. But as this position I am in continually grows in oposition towards me, I try to keep my footing, control my thoughts, and keep my vision. My mind is scattered as I try to keep it that way.

The truth is told. Your past catches up with the present. The past never changes, it only changes who you are. The people in your past try to change, but their actions never do. I help work with kids, all we want is love. All we want is hope and a future.

Where do you go, when all you're going to is away?

Now

As I come off this seasonal high and get hit in the face with a reality and my own stupidity, these desires for happiness turn back into desires for meaning. There is a huge difference. As I sit in Peet's coffee for the last 3 hours, I pore over the many aspects of my life that are conducted over business, research, and life on the internet and my computer. From social networking to craigslist to google and wikipedia. This is where I am content spending my time since there is no one at home or anything really to do on a sunny yet cold Sunday afternoon.

As the evening crew (and regular customers) rotates to the other familiar faces, I look for my exit, my reason to leave. Why does it need to be philosophical? Why can it not be a simple reason to switch activities and audience? I am looking for something. Something worthwhile that can captivate my attention, not just entertain it. As I watch a customer struggle with the creamer and all the condiment options, I think first, that I am entertained by it, and second, that it is so easy to get frustrated with the little things in life that seem to make the simplicities of life unnecessarily frustrating.

Also, I watch and converse with the many previous Starbucks customers that I know, and I also talk to the new people I know from here and try to find something that relates (yes, philosophical again). I realize that there will always be new people to fill the voids where the old left. But only to a degree. As a photograph freezes that time and feeling from an old experience, so did those old friends have a nostalgic way of remembering younger times in life. Growth is measured relative to the past. You hope to be a better person than the day before. This is not always so, but it is the goal. And as I fight through the feelings and accept the consequences of my regression from progression, I try to be mature and respect those who are harmed by my actions. I try to be constructive and find the positive, do what I can do, and take a hit as I move on. Progress.

What is the next step? I have no clue. I have some desires. Some ideas and possibilities, but nothing quite feels right. I cannot deny the emotions nor do I want to. I want to take this anger at myself and funnel it into something that accelerates my learning. This one step back means that I have to run faster than before. It has made me stronger. I am not grown up, but I am older and hopefully better than yesterday. So even though I sit here in a coffee shop imagining what I would like to do, I have the knowledge that those desires will become reality. I have the ability to move on and keep this momentum going. The emotions will soon become secondary and I will find the direction again. The new direction towards meaning.

Staring at Stupidity

I sit here in disgust with myself. I can only think about my amazing failures directly in front of me. I cannot justify it, although I want to. I cannot accept it, because I am stupid. And I cannot correct it, because it is past due. The truth stares at me. The reality of the consequences glare me down.

As easy as it is to look down on those around me, as I have all day, how ironic that it turns around on me. Building myself up as I stand on others, puts more pain in my heart because I forget to look at who I am standing on. I felt so smart. I felt so wise. I felt so much better than I have in a long time. Now it crashes down on myself as a foolish misstep in my journey of life. My mind wants to go off on how livid I am with myself, but I try to contain my sanity; to claim this maturity that has done me so well. *sarcasm.*

Although it hurts me that I have done no better than the people I despise have done to me, I want to be better. I need to be better than that. I have to prove to myself that I am better, because I have proved to those closest to me that I am not. Where do I go from here? Right now I go nowhere. Right now I wallow in my own foolish and stupid actions. There is not another choice. I accept the guilt, and wish I could fix it, but the way to reconcile is not apparent right now. Instead I take the frustration, the anger and disappointment and attempt to channel it into something worthwhile. Push myself because of my failures. In spite of my failures. Because I know I will continue to fail, only I hope... I don't know what I hope for. I hate myself right now, and the truly stupid things that I do.

The Desire 2

As I really disect the reasons I have behind the desires I have, there are a few things that come to the front. More than just the sex appeal, more than the shallow desire for excess, more than the power and positioning money can give. There seems to be an understanding of success associated with being rich. I want to be successful. With my new business, the thought of signing my own paychecks is exciting. That is one step in the direction of success and just having a sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment.

On top of that, there is the idea of just having, and having more. Although shallow, the attention gained from having new, interesting, flashy stuff is a huge appeal. You can get attention from most people by being able to show off. It is the most immature, yet real reason.

This last reason has been something I have realized lately that underlies who I am. In a way it seems selfish and lazy, but in reality it is a desire for freedom and the ability to live without bounds. I want to be financially free, able to live off interest so that I don't become a prisoner of the 9-5. I hate the idea of doing the same thing over and over. I want my life back from corporate America and the ideas behind it. I want to be able to get away and live without the chains that most Americans have. The chains of bills, mortgage, and mediocrity. It is pathetic and I know there is more without being sucked into the endless desire for just having more.

Attempt: success

It actually felt right. Something changed. I want to credit certain people doing (or rather not doing) certain things, but I do not want to start blaming or promoting one person over another. That is how we got into this mess (well, more or less).

But beside all that, the fact is that we are here at this point. And this point is leaps and bounds further than we have ever been. I am excited for once. I feel a sense of belonging. I hope it is not just me that feels this. As I have been growing up, I have been watching my mind look at things and think of things so much differently. How I am looking at this now is drastically new, and exciting to the opening possibilities that could actually happen.

For once, I am happy about this situation and where it is headed.

My Moral Obligations

Ought, should, moral right, whatever is it? How should I act? What should I do? What is our higher calling, and why do we not do it?

It seems so simple: give to those who need. But instead we want to keep selfishly and greedily. And if we do give, it is somehow twisted for our own selfish gain. There is no morality. Life is sinful and corrupt. But it makes so much sense. It is the same as cleaning our bathroom. If we did it little by little, when we have free time, it wouldn't get so dirty it takes a lot of time and a lot of cleaning. But that is the problem, we are too absorbed in our own self-satisfying, narcissistic world that we cannot even see the things around us that we have the ability to help.

I have been preaching to those around me, whether straight at them through encouragement, advice, or correction, or in my own head against them by bringing them down, degrading them, and judging them. And that is no better. I need to practice what I preach, if only to myself. We all know it is not our first reaction. We all know it is not in our own interest. But we do know it is what is right. It is our duty.

Attempt #1

As in all things, it there is a first step. Every journey starts with one, and they are never less than a single step.

So here goes. It had started before, but that is all. It just started. I tried to let things be, hoping the issues would fix themselves once the ball got rolling. But as with all things in life, it's not that easy. Life continued. And it went back to the normal. The normal that none of us wanted to come back to.

So I attempt again. This time a bit more personal than topical. It is hard to take myself out of the situation and think objectively. It worked well, but not great. As I imagined, it did nor happen. Such is life, I guess. If only I could be real. If only I could let go and let it be. If only things could work as I hoped. Then what? Who knows.

I will get off my own case and continue on. No journey is short. Thanks to Murphey, no fix will be simple nor permanent. We can only continue on, attempt after attempt, to make life better.

The Desire

I know what it is. The desire for more; the feeling of inadequacy. It is just consumerism. It is pure American want. It is the American Dream. The purchasing power that we all want. It is BS. Why do I feel I need it? I don't. There is nothing that I need. I could even go without food for a few days and be fine. The diet or fast could actually be beneficial. I don't need anything. But the desire is still there. The want for cars, girls, and money. It is a security that comes with money. And why wouldn't any man want an extremely attractive woman. The car is obvious as well. Who doesn't want to go as fast as possible? But the empty desire for more is what is pointless and vain. There is more to life than having more. This feeling of loneliness will not be fixed with more crap. Only a few things will truly satisfy. And they won't be found in an ad.

The foreign Thought

To be honest, it is amusing when people do not understand it. The action of it, or the reasoning for it. It isn't painless. It isn't selfish. It is real and more powerful than you could imagine.

There was an article I read about another writer who comitted his life. Even in spite of his success and fame, the powers that be would not allow him to enjoy it. The biographer could not grasp the idea. The reality eluded him. Although his wife came near it, even still, the depth and solitude cannot be fathomed by those who continue on day by day without ever thinking of it. The bottom isn't so low for them to think of quitting. Giving up has never been an option in this regard. Millions of people have thought of this, many have done it. I have even thought of it [past tense]. When you hit the bottom, then the floor drops out, there isn't another option, because there is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. That light is only an idea, not an actual reality. What is real is the fear. The pain. The words from those above you telling you that you are foolish and worthless.

It is not intended to be a selfish act. Only a hope for something better. The compete lack of strength to be here. Blame the chemicals or the media or even the people themselves. But the hope is only for hope. Only an imaginary flare up for love before forever again being forgotten. All it is is hoping for love. Isn't that what everybody wants?

Selfish Desires

Besides the obvious, why am I so selfish? Why do I covet and desire the nice, expensive things? Why do I want money and things?

Beside the obvious fact that they are nicer, and I want money so I do not have to worry about bills and having whatever whenever, there is something under the fact that I want. I want what I do not have. Is that the only reason? I don't think so. Is it to prove something? Then what am I proving, and to who am I proving it? It could be to prove success, I could agree with that, but that asks what is success? Or it could be to prove something to everybody. But why? Most people see rich people as selfish, stuck up jerks. Will it give me respect maybe? Or am I trying to prove something to myself? Once again, why? I am still trying to figure out who I am exactly, maybe this is part of who I am. I just do not see the purpose of proving something to myself. It is slightly ironic, or oximoronic.

I guess I just do not understand the purpose of the underlying sin and desire in my heart for things. There is so much that I want to have, I want to work for, and I'd be willing to spend my life acquiring. But what is the point? Why the desire?

Why are people so hard to get along with

Every single time. The exact same thing. Some people refuse to change, grow up, and compromise to try to make things better for everyone around them. It is as if they have something to prove to everybody and will not give up until everybody is pissed off. Are they blind? Are we all blind?

I just pray I can keep my composure in spite of the immaturity.

As We Walk by

After my last post, looking to talk to at least two new people each day, I actually accomplished the task before my first class. One person I knew from working at Starbucks, and another as I was waiting for my class to start. It honestly opened up my eyes to the sense that people are just as willing to talk if you talk to them and create something interesting to talk about. And you are much more friendly when you are looking for someone to talk to. It is cyclical.

But that got me to think about all the people here at Portland State, and the millions of people in Portland and the surrounding metro area that walk within inches of me everyday. The people that interact within feet of me and are around me the whole day. How many people are so different and have their own lives just as I do. How is it that I continue to walk on without a care in the world? Why is it so American for us to not care?

So as part of that, I want to encourage people to comment on these posts. I know people read them, and if you think, then you probably have an opinion. Therefore, let me know. Let us have a public discussion. I want to know. The reality is that life is not all about me. And it is not about you either, but that is the point. Live life for something more.

What about friendships

To be honest, I have given so much thought about love lately, and focused so much on that, that I wonder if I have tried to jump over friendships in general, or I have just taken them for granted.

Lately, there has been drama and stupid quarrels between friends that have given me a sour taste in my mouth in relation to relationships, especially with immature people around me. People are unwilling to realize that friends are not forever, but you also need to be an adult and deal with your problems in order to be around people you do not like.

I will try not to get into that too much right now, because it is not my topic. My topic has to do with people and loving your friends. To be honest, there are people that I love that I do not want to love. I cannot stand being around them. I want to be interested in uninteresting people. To be honest, I am bored with myself, I am not that great, and I want to meet and genuinely get to know other people and love them without spending weekends on camping trips. Do you get my struggle? I am not looking for a shortcut, I am looking for a change of heart. I would like to go on a camping trip, but maybe let us start with a conversation that does not revolve around myself. What does that look like? How can I create that?

So here is my experiment: I plan on meeting and chatting with two people each day I am at school. I hate talking to people at school. But here goes. Maybe this will help.

Do nothing

It seems if I want to feel like I am accomplishing anything, then I have to be doing something all the time. That is why I keep my phone and sometimes a book or something handy every moment. Even now, I e-mail on this phone because for the moment that I stopped I had an epiphany I had to share.

What is wrong? How is this picture and idea somehow strained us? Because I cannot sit down without feeling a sense of lost productivity. Because in this world of success, if you stop to take a rest, then the tortoise will beat you in the race. Because in the game of life, whoever has the most toys in the end, wins. Or maybe because we don't know how. We do not understand the idea of rest and truly being satisfied. We do not know what that looks like. Because we feel awkward when we do sit and do nothing. Those that are comfortable with of we as working class deem them lazy -- on one end --or born into wealth -- on the other end of the gammut. Either way, the competitive nature in us does not allow breaks. But honestly, I do not care. Life is a journey, not a race.

Another Restless Night

At first, I wonder how many grammatical and spelling mistakes I will make since this is another late-night awake and drowning in my thoughts like the one a few nights ago. But I can fix those tomorrow.

What is on my mind as I skip through my playlist looking for something to catch my attention and fall asleep to? I skip and and find nothing. But it relates well to the thoughts of people around me. I feel so alone right now, but continue on searching and skipping past hoping for something ahead. I try to relate the first impression to what catches my attention on my mp3 player. So many songs, so many artists and bands. The catchy intro's just don't keep my attention. What am I looking for exactly? I have no clue. I want something that fits exactly how I am feeling now. Do I want something new and beautiful? Do I want a regular that I have fell asleep to many times before? Or should I go back to that one classic that always seems satisfy this lonely feeling? Will there be an old one that fits well if I look at it differently? Or am I searching my music in vain, and the perfect song is not here yet? Maybe my song isn't in my playlist. Maybe it is still out there, being written.

Beauty in the Negative

As I drove around, I took the backroads to keep away from and couldn't not realize the beauty of the fall colors and the that had or had not fallen. As you know, I am not a fan of season. The cold, the gray, the rain just is not exactly uplifting. And the upcoming holidays aren't exactly a light at the end of tunnel, either. I like the warm sun and being able to be without needing to be bundled up in jackets so you don't freeze.

Back to my point, today was gorgeous. After my negative yesterday, I accomplished a bunch of things, got over the down I had been in and really looked up to the rest of the day. today has not disappointed either. The leaves are on the ground, color is all around, and it masks the gray sky above. The ground damp, but not slick. And although things are changing, it is a that can represent my own life and just growing up in general. I can finally look at the new season with a positive outlook.

It is nice to be able to see something old in a beautiful new way.

How do we control it? What would we do with it if we could control it?

I think of the monks in India or the Discovery channel or wherever they are from, who can control their body temperature and their heart rate. What if the normal person could do that -- or maybe the more important question should be why is the normal person not doing that? But I digress. What do they have control over? And does it mean that they just have better control over their entire body? Do they control their emotions, their moods and everything else? Can they? Do they hold off other bodily functions such as sleep, and defecating as well? Wow, I did digress.

Basically my question is how can we control more of ourselves than we do? What stops us, and how do we get past that. Because I am tired of the things stopping me in my tracks that keep me from being who I want to be. I want to be more than this, and the fears and other powers that keep me down continue to fight against me. And they definitely have the home advantage. There will be a change sometime, but I don't know when.

Restless Nights

Here I lay again. Tossing back and forth, looking for a position, looking for an empty mind. I cannot find either. My mind wanders everywhere from who I would like to be, business ideas, and course love. But I'll mostly leave that one alone since it is early the morning and I have already talked about that enough. So what will say about that is that late night thoughts rarely do as you intend, so my mind has seemed to go back on the past, it digs up feelings and tries to put them together in weird ways. To finish thought, I heard a quote that said something like if there were no women in this world, there would be no need for money. Interpret it as you wish, but I think I know what the speaker is hinting at.

And that gets me to my next thought running through my head. It goes
along with business ventures, but more importantly, who do I want become? Not in a philosophical ideological way of what should become, but more of a "who are my heroes?" And to be honest, I never had a hero. I only get one long enough to find their fault and burn their credibility in my mind. There are people I respect and listen to their advice, but not since I have had these ideas and dreams within reach of starting few businesses and actually becoming something, making a name for myself, my mind takes the liberty of taking those dreams to fullest, almost absurd stretch of the imagination, yet nothing I'd be opposed to right now. It is thinking of unimagineable wealth power and fame. My mind puts in ideas of flying around the globe for business and pleasure to meet celebrities and VIP's. I add my flair and fuel the fire created in my mind.

But back to my original question, who would I want to be like? What man would embody who I would like to become? I think of people who doers or stand-outs or pioneers. Just to lay it out and quit along, I would love the class of someone like John Legend or Clooney. But also the ingenuity and humility of Jeff Bezos or google guys. There's nothing like the power and influence of Trump, but I pray I'll chop my head off before I have hair like that. But I also want to be reserved and a bit of quietness like Matt Damon.

As soon as I sit down and think more deeply about it, my mind both running and blank at the same time. I wonder what these guys up late thinking about or who they want to become. I wonder if had restless nights becoming who they are today.

Sorry for all the love

I apologize for all these posts about emotions and love, but, to be honest, it has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been trying to decide something, figure out where my heart is and everything involved. But I have to admit, I am desperately negative about this whole thing. Maybe it is my parents sad marriage that turns me off. Maybe it is the statistics that back up my fear. Maybe it is all the past relationships that have failed miserably because -- what I want to blame as -- my shortcomings. Or maybe it is that when I felt closest to someone was after everything was falling apart. Or that the person that I feel has loved me the most, I don't really know how to handle.

The last few relationships that I have tried have (with mixed reviews) failed, in the sense that they basically will not come of anything. Not to discredit what was there or what was felt, but there was always something lacking. I wonder if there will always be something lacking. Is there someone that will completely fulfill the promise of love? Or is that just Hollywood BS? I try to say that I do not care, but I do. I try to say that I am going to be mature, and think like an adult, and I want to prove those statistics wrong. I want to live for something more, to give something more, without always holding out on a bet that could be the best payoff ever. But I am not betting on love, I am living life.

This is life.

Sweet Emotions

Nothing is as erradic and spontaneous as human emotion. It's as life would only be a machine or domino effect of natural until feelings and emotions have a say. The people around me, closest to me have a way of always surprising me and always acting a way that I always get caught off guard. I can barely control my emotions, but how am I to deal with everyone elses. And we'll get mine later. But here we are, in another predicament. Life has to another person and their feelings are getting in the way of what important. Why do we allow this? Why should we let them get away this?

I come back to this blog nearly a month later, but the truth remains: the lack of control over emotions is lethal. The communication, and desire for control (to use all c's) is as as we get in the process of our personal development. I think of the interaction just last night that I thankfully did not react to but I wanted to attack, but I see how much better if I could correct the other person and be open to correction myself.

Life is more than a game, but really it breaks down to really simple choices which are something like right and wrong, but past that it becomes mature and immature. Adult or childish. Responsible or irresponsible.

How do you want to live? How will you decide?

Seriously, what is love. what is it?

Here is the blog that has been marinating in my mind all week or more. It has been bouncing around my head, snowballing around in my head, trying to get out, trying to make sense of all the senselessness. And it is not so much a paragraph or essay as it is a feeling. It has somehow made up its own mind.

Well maybe it hasn't completely made up its mind. I will try another take at this paragraph, the last few didn't work so well.

The fact is that something within all of us searches all the time for something more meaningful than we are. More powerful and deep than what we have been living for so far, which is ourselves. The greed and selfishness within ourselves steps aside for only a few things, and love is one. It is the purpose that contains within us the ability to move on. But this must be done only after our selfishness can subside. I am only talking about true, real love, not the crap you see on tv. If tv was real, I would be an actor, because they are the only ones that are getting it, or rather the perfect rendition of what we all wish it were. If only we had a perfect script that enabled every one of us to be exactly what we wished and said what we wished and had what we wished. But this is not some romantic comedy with the perfect setup for a happy ending, this is the only shot we have at not screwing every last thing in the world up. This is our opportunity to pursue and fight for someone we care about. To push past our selfish desires to pridefully exclaim that we are better than we are and to imagine that there is possibly someone who is absolutely perfect as opposed to just better than I am. To some extent I have finally seen a glimpse of real love. I haven't felt or understood it before. I have tried to imagine, I have felt something like it--which is something like obsession or imagination--and I have finally understood what it is like to see clearly how much God has loved us so that we can have the ability to love.

I cannot remember ever typing that fast in order to get all my feelings out of my head. It is as if the feelings in my body could not wait to get freed. And here I sit, still musing about the thoughts I have put down. Somehow love is more than a song, more than a poem, more than a cute girl, but yet that is it entirely. The dichotomy of both simple and complex tend to confuse more than not, but somehow the ideas and feelings flow together when allowed to be. Allowed to breathe and live. My mind is still wrestling with all these ideas bouncing around, but something has broken out, something has understood life a little more. These little epiphanies make life much more exciting and real. Way better than tv.

Is Someday Today?

Usually it happens that what you meant by something trivial and/or self seeking turns around and actually answers a long-forgotten prayer that you had almost given up on. One problem with my own mind is that when I over-think everything, I try to figure all possible outcomes so that I might be prepared. Still I am amazed how often I am still wrong.

Usually it happens when you meet someone, you quickly size them up and define who they are and how they will affect you and your relationship with them. That was a complicated way of me saying you have a first impression. But once again, a few people decide to surprise you. I cannot lie, it is rare because of the amount of shallow people, and those who live on the surface. I also cannot judge because that is who they are, but some people shock you with their depth and their thoughtful mind. Even with others, I am surprised at the maturity in spite of the stupidity (but that is a side issue that I am figuring out). The fact that some people are willing to devote the time and effort to actually think through so much that most people would allow to float on and never allow personal growth. I cannot imagine that aim is desirable to just continue on, but that we should each day look for new ways to educate and elevate ourselves, and it is refreshing to see someone who does this and who gives themselves to people around them so that we all can learn from them.

Usually it happens that we are content to live in the same boring life without being willing to step out and become something more. The definition of insanity is doing the same action while expecting a different result. So true when you step back and see a ton of people continuing to bang their heads on the walls of life hoping for epiphany or opportunity. I think my opportunity is right here in my lap, and finally I have not only the desire and ability, but also the knowledge and the help to push forward and gain ground. This does not usually happen.

Where has my mind been?

Everywhere. My mind has gone from here to there. From one end of the spectrum to another. I have been blogging all day. Every thought this weekend could have created some type of written anecdote, yet my hands have refused to let out what is caught in my body. Even now, I am forcing a thought onto paper. Even now, I don't know what my mind has been doing.

Agreed, this weekend has been anything but normal, but now I am continuing that in my head. As Tuesday is the first day of school (probably strike one), now my mind runs with philosophy, business, excitement, pain, love, and marriage. I know. Marriage? With all these more important things, I have been honing in on love, what it truly is, and how it is used and manifested. I have not concluded anything regarding love, but I have had a few epiphanies, none of which are ready to come out in a meaningful, legible way. But I am looking at marriage in a way that I cannot explain, nor was at all mature enough to contemplate. It is slightly eye-opening, and definitely scary. Especially since I do not even have a girlfriend (a major necessity when thinking of marriage, so I have heard).

But the end thought is indisputable, first: if a word is not spelled correctly in a google search, you can still find useless and wrong information to make you think you are right, but a correct spelling will first bring Websters definition. Second: my mind is on its own track today. There is much to think about and I can only try to guide it around as it wanders mindlessly... that was a joke.

What a weekend completely opposite of what I imagined. My quickly turn around to something very different.

My plans were something like a Friday afternoon workout and work on my computer then go with my west side college group. Instead people change, people are immature; I should expect as much. Then I was prepared for a good bicycle ride with a leisurely Saturday morning spent at coffee and bookstores. Instead I am on my way back from Trout Washington. That is where my second cousins live, random. But also gave my time for some friend's family who needed fire wood cut and moved. That's not me. I hate giving up my time. And I am not a huge fan of working, in the dirt, or for free. So here I sit for 1.5 with slivers, scrapes, and dirt all over. I want a shower and a nap. Not food because I was well fed, which also contradicted my plan which involve a three course meal at my apartment. Yes, random as well. And last night turned into trying to plan, hoping for food, deciding to play some poker, eat some brownies. Drive to middle-nowhere, show up late to a Bible study, hang out with my best friends who are closer than family and now I feel sick off eating peanut brownies, something like pumpkin scones all while playing group games mixed with a serious talk and a bunch of joking around. Something says that all was supposed to happen, and I am sure that is true. And I enjoy surprises. To be honest, I feel like a better friend seeing all these people I've flaked on lately. And I feel like more of a man after getting dirty and moving between three and four cords of wood, drinking 7.5 servings of Gatorade, and eating more in a day than I usually do in a week (not completely a joke).

But I cannot wait for more food and wine and maybe a movie. The bike ride is rescheduled for tomorrow, but tomorrow could turn out like the rest of this weekend. We shall see.

Audience of none

What is he doing? What is he thinking? What is he saying?

I honestly cannot hear the guy. A large plate of glass and about a hundred feet separate me, inside doing homework, and this man, outside in the park blocks of PSU. He stands there 90 degrees opposite me, standing and singing. I assume he is singing because he has a guitar and it looks like he is singing. That is not what is abnormal. Those facts don't make me stop and think. I have seen people sing in a park before. The part that does is the fact that he stands there alone, for one, and also no one cares. At all. The people within ten feet of him seem completely unaffected. The people walking by don't seem to care or even acknowledge. Nobody looks up. Nobody looks away. Passerby's and pedestrians are absolutely indifferent to this guy. He just stands there, alone, singing.

But I continue to wonder, why is he there? Why does he continue? Could it be his courage that he stands in the open square unaffected by what people might think or do? Or could it be a total attitude or narcissism that propels him to self-promotion. I still cannot hear him, so I cannot form my opinion on how good or bad he is. He is just this guy, with a guitar, in the middle of a park.

only questions

where am I? what am I doing? what is my purpose? why am I thinking about them? why can't I get her off my mind? why can't I move on? why is life on pause? why are there never answers? when will I know what to do? when will I know where to go? when will I know who is right? when will I trust people? when will I see her? will I ever see her? will I ever...? what do I know? who do I trust? who can I trust? who trusts me? do I trust myself? will my questions be answered? am I just too fearful? will I conquer my fear and the other sin in my life? will I become a better person, or become a somebody? will I grow up or just get older? will my life matter? does life matter?

To Rethink my own Thinking

Can you fathom the unfathomable? Can you think outside the box when the box encapulates everything there is that can be understood? Can time and space be redefined? Or can we ever understand?

In no easy way, my mind was completely stretched beyond what I ever thought normal to an extent that I almost can't fathom. But the beauty is that I totally understand in a way that I don't understand. It is ironic and illogical, but the truth holds true and I know there is truth where I don't understand.

God cannot be put into a box because first of all, he created the box. But to my mind I understand my position in the box as well as his. And all positions keep me at a speechless awe of simplicity and complexity in the same place and time.

Where is the FAQ for life?

I am sure I am like most people, let me specify before that is taken to mean any number of things. But the fact remains that I can easily see myself as a rich, smart, young man on his way to the American dream. The only problem is the step from here to there. Duh, right, you say. And I don't disagree.

How many hollywood movies, how many books, stories, whatever, show you the great life, the desires and amenities given freely to the gifted or spoiled, and of course I could do a better job of it than most or all of them. The truth is that most of us could make a better hamburger than McDonalds, but none of us could build an empire that could compare.

So here we remain. Without the hamburger or the empire, to finish the analogy.

How can we get across this gulf? Where is the fast track across, because I don't want to stand in line for the small bridge. It will take too long, and I'll be too old by the time I get through the application process and everything in order to enjoy it. So where is the how-to? Where is the FAQ? Because, once again, I'm sure there are a lot of us who would want to know, and I'm sure that I could use and control it better. I promise I won't use it for promiscuity and drugs. I won't go crazy and shave my head, either. Well at least won't go crazy.

Well, the truth is, I can't promise anything for sure. But I can imagine it can't be that hard. And seriously, what do I really have to do, and is it worth it?

The Pursuit of Happiness

Isn't it true that we race to beat the person who is first? We want to be in the lead. We want to be chased by everyone else. We want to be someone that people will chase after or try to be like. Isn't it true that in love we want people to come to us, to find us and chase after us? We want friends to want to be with us and be in our group. People want friends to want to be friends. Relationships need to want each other. Without a desire there is no need, there is no love.

You must pursue. You must chase. You need to. The other person needs to be needed. Everybody needs to be needed. No one likes being alone.

The people

The groups, the masses, the people walking by. I love watching people as they walk or interact. Especially at a college where they aren't in groups but they are clumped together. You can pick people out of a crowd and watch them. Not in a freaky stalking way, more just observing their behaviors and actions. You'd be amazed at how much you can assume and deduce from just a 5 second observation. Their outfit says the most, then their face, and how they walk, how they hold themselves, and then their interactions or actions. Not to lie, it can be so shallow, but if you think about it, it is so telling for only few seconds. On campus, there is a myriad of stereotypes and special personalities to entertain. But, not to end there, as I waited for class, I sat in the hall, looked down while reading a book and did the same only up to the knees. Even more hilarious is the footwear people choose and I can't imagine why. It is not to judge, but just observe and enjoy.

Once again, thank you Portland for your happen-chance entertainment.

Living in the Past

I have got to say, I love seeing old bumper stickers for long-gone politicians. Can we hear it for Gore in 2000, or Kerry in '04. Yay! There is nothing like hoping for the lost and watching others fail to see their loss. Not that I'm a masochistic or sadistic, but it amazes me how people hold onto these as if they are their own poster to the world or the rebellion to the current. It's proof that this country isn't a republic because we are not being represented, yet we are not a democracy because we do not have real voting power. That is why I hate politics. Not only do I have a better chance winning the lottery than having my vote actually count, but whoever gets into power is completely at their own whim. It is a joke. It is all a game. And even more, it is a waste of my time.

There it is. That is my rant. I'm done.

Emotional Bliss

It is called emotional intelligence, or EQ for short. And it basically means your mind monitoring your emotions on how they affect the rest of your body and its actions or desires that come from that. It's actually quite simple. For example, nervousness before a competition causes some people to freeze up and not perform well in which case you need to see this and counteract it somehow. But some people have the ability to take that nervousness and give them energy to do more without overdoing it. So thing like this show how complex people are and how simple things can completely throw us off if we don't pay attention. My predicament is that I have been paying attention and I still don't know what to do. I am in tune with everything my body is doing and saying, but somehow I have no control over it. I am at a loss. I keep thinking up possibilities, dreaming up options, feeling out ideas, but I am back at the beginning. As if I never got anywhere in the first place. I wish I knew what to do. I wish my EQ had some practical stuff to go with it.

On a sunny Saturday afternoon gives me a much better time to think about the week. Sitting down in Peet's, drinking some espresso, some ice water, and a french press sample gives your mind a little better ability to process everything that happened and all that really went through my mind. Not to lie, it was more than a bit overpowering, the week, that is. I can't not think about all that happened. It was so simple, yet so much. So dynamic and revealing. When dreams and goals are grasped and dashed at the same time, when emotions peak and fall out within days, when old expectations are recreated and new ones are let down, life gets a new spin. You have to look differently at old things and find new ways to think about everything new. It is all a rollercoaster without a safety harness. Life is a song without rules. A rhyme without parameters.

What a digression. Anyway, it is amazing how in one week you can learn so much and see so much in life. I saw how people can be reduced to a mass of people: the power of a crowd is created by the destroying the individual. People's dreams are destroyed by reality and not the lack of not direction but the lack of advice and wisdom or maturity. But without a desire, without a goal, there is no dream. And a sense of realism would keep too many peoples' feet on the ground and wouldn't give them the power to reach for the stars especially if it is cloudy and raining.

Some things never change

Why am I surprised? I should have expected it. Everything holds a stipulation. Everything must benefit them first. It's always selfish and foolish. So narrow-minded and stubborn, they will never change.

Wake me up when the rain ends.

How can the rain, the cold, the weather affect me like this. Like a punch in the face I'm down on the ground. Trying to catch my breath. Regain my composure. Where am I? What am I doing? Why has turned from positive to negative almost overnight? I can see difference as black and white. It's so obvious. I don't know what to do. I'm done. My thoughts dead end. My hope is gone. And imagination went with the sun. I am left with nothing. Again. I want to cry. No, I want to get up, move on, get past this. But I don't how. Last week I might have been able to think of something, but now I have no clue. I am standing in an empty room. Standing alone. Where did it all go? Where is my happy summer? Is that it? Is anyone there?

Last Night's Dream

A dream so real you wonder if it happened. I know for sure it could not, because I don't think they make convertible (and seemingly silent) helicopters, even for Bill Gates who was piloting the contraption. I'm not making this up. Aspects of this dream pulled out parts of my inner being that I have forgotten about. I played with old friends, we talked about music I have been; trying to remember. wouldn't want to fly in a helicopter in a dream, or flirt with most gorgeous girl that seems to be exactly what I want. It surreal. But there were drawbacks too, it wasn't all perfect. The fighting with my family, the negativism in my life. Only rather than the usual happenings, I just reacted. There was no inhibitions (nothing can hold back when you are in the deepest level of REM sleep).

The pieces of this dream are still fresh in my mind, and I can't say I know what to do with them. I already have a lot I'm thinking about like the philosophy mashup between existentialism and Christianity. And I would rather figure that out first before I deal with these personal imaginations. Maybe I should focus on something else. Maybe there is something deeper there. Maybe I should tell Bill Gates to invent a convertible helicopter. Or maybe I will just take it as it is, a dream, a look into my uninhibited soul. There is something to be gleened from this. I just don't know what that is.

The Writing on the Wall

I nearly laughed out loud. Driving down the road for work, I look out the window at the various Portland landscapes. Only this one caugh me off guard. It was hilarious. Vandalism at its absolute worst, and I don't mean vulgar or repulsive (well maybe repulsive). But this horrible piece of text had only one string of words in plain, nearly indeciferable block text. And I apologize that in my shock and internal laughing, I didn't catch the last part. But the mural of self- promotion started "www.myspace.com/..." And there it was, in all its glory.

Thank you Portland vandals for putting pride in your own work. You add comic relief to our daily commute.

My own impatience

It makes sense now. I've been so unable to be patient with life because of the fact that I want my life to start getting on track. I want to be done with school with these stupid jobs, I want to really start life. To start a career. To start earning real money. To get out into the real world and really see what I am made of. But now I see. It's as if I needed to come to this place where I finally couldn't take it any more and rather than fight my impatience, I needed to harness it. I am waiting for nothing. Only I can start my life. Nothing will be waiting for me at the end of school. The only difference from here and there is two years, a piece of paper, and a few thousand dollars in debt. That is what I have been waiting for? Nothing special there. I understand the importance of that piece of paper. And I understand life is not some existential experience. It is much more complicated than that. But the idea remains the same: life is what I make of it. Life waits for no man. So why should I wait for it?

The Real vs Ideal (part 3)

The reality of every dream is that in the morning, you must wake up. If you don't, that means you're dead.

More ideal (part 2)

To follow up, what makes our dreams? Seriously. I have mine, you have yours, your parents had theirs. Most everybody has some kind of dream. The if, how, and why is always different, but what makes them. I believe they are there for a reason, whether to drive us or to at least keep us in motion, or something. They are there. That is what we cannot deny. I don't want to deny. We all have a dream, that one day... right?! We are here, on earth, for a purpose. Whether or not it is to grasp that dream, or to realize there is something bigger than our own dream, I don't know; you can decide that. But the fact remains we have them and there creates a goal. And goals require more, smaller, and in-between goals. They create a timeline to something. I want more than anything right now, to embody that goal and that dream I have. And I am finally taking those steps, but that is what I am learning. Ironically, learning is the journey. The walking, the running, the crawling is all in between the beginning and that light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever happens between now and then is the journey, but the fact remains, it's one hell of a ride.

The Ideal (part 1)

It is amazing when you see something, something that embodies the image of what you want, who you want to become. You can see the problems, you can look at the imperfections, but somehow that doesn't matter. When you see your dream embodied in something, you look past it all, you can choose what to look at, you can find the idea within it all. It is amazing, it is near perfection because it is your dream. It is as if there is a obtain-at-any-cost. There is the goal, a prize. And when you can see it, you can almost taste it, you can almost have it...

Is it a break I need

Sometimes I wonder if I just need a break. A retreat. A getaway. For a while. It seems (I don't know if this is the right word but...) romantic when a son, a friend, a brother, an ex, a whatever, disappears for a while. Maybe a long while, like a few years before comes back, grown up. Changed, yet the same boy, only wiser, stronger, and matured. I feel I need that right now. I know I've grown up and learned a lot lately, but somehow I feel that I can't be quite that person because of who I have been. It's true I am not who people think I should be, but who I am, yet somehow I feel I can't grow up. People I am close to have seen me every day/week/etc for my whole life. That keeps a person the same. I want to get up, go away, and allow myself to grow up separate of the life I have here. I love it here, don't get me wrong (most of it, to be honest) but once again, I am here needing change. I don't sense a relocation soon, but I think I could use it... at least right now.

The music

We argue about music--at least my friends and I do-- about the affect of music on our moods. Does the music affect the mood, or the mood pick the music? And to be honest, I don't care. But something stood out to me.
Somehow I connect with depressing artists and their songs. It's as if it hits a string within me. I connect with it more than normal. The broken heart. The lost love. And the lonely days. I'm not sad. Things are really good, as a matter of fact. Even still, they have a charm to them. It's enticing. I think the fact that it's the raw emotion. The despair and the fight. The desire for company and companionship. Isn't that everyone's song? The desire for love.

That's right, life's a journey

You get thrown off. Things get out of hand. You imagine, stress, and get upset. Get back to your place, do more work to feel productive, then stop. You take a breath, grab a book, walk to your coffee shop, and remember: life is a journey. It will take a while. Don't get in a hurry. Calm down. You are a part of life, not visa versa. And life goes at its own pace not yours.

Today

Today. It's now. The present. Not the future. What's the deal, though. What is going on? It seems like now more than ever people are moving up or moving down. Things are changing today. They'll be different tomorrow. It's as if we are in his amoeba of life and we either chase it like a dog chases its tail, or we wait for it to hopefully come around to our side of life, or certain people have some innate ability to know where it'll be and how to use it and control it. I read about them in books and magazines, see them on websites and billboards. Of course they are there. They aren't here. They know something I don't. They do something I'm not. But how? Why? What is the difference, what is the deal?
I look around at the amount of things to do and how to be at the top of something. Just think about the Phelps, the Lebron, the Murdoch, the Tom, the Jessicas, the Dr.s, the actors, the nominees, the running mates. With the billions of people and the millions and millions of byways in life, odds are in my favor. Just take out the lazy and unable and I should have a straight shot to success, right? Then what's wrong? And why am I stressing? I'm only 22. I'm stressing becuse I have only today. That is what I know and can count on. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is always out of reach. I have today. And today is always different, always changing. Like an amoeba of life.