Whenever I find myself in this situation (single..again.., and without all the toys I have ever wanted to make me satisfied...which will be never), I always look internally. Maybe it is a introverted characteristic of mine. Or maybe it is entrepreneurial, I don't know. Maybe it is inherently male, but I don't think that is the main reason. But I want to conquer the world to prove a point to her. or maybe just to me.
Even tonight I self-medicate as I move on smoothly, which is going quite well, by the way. But with each situation this afternoon and more into the evening, I look to conquer everything as if to counteract. And I pencil out goals to achieve that. Whether it be my friends' wives or girlfriends, that I think I can do better, or as I listen to music, I can learn guitar and write better than Lady GaGa. It seems I am on this quest to prove that I am best when I am solo. I will dominate. I will conquer. I will survive.
But also in all of this, I look around and look for someone to share this with. Anyone, really. Anybody to care that I have dominated, conquered and survived. Because without comradery, there is no real conquering or survival, only more loneliness.
So as my list of goals swells to new proportions, I think of motives. And quickly find it is really because I am hurt and just want to prove a point. But I know I will prove it to whoever is listening, even if they really aren't.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
24 hours, 24 years
My roommate turned 25 the other day. And that was weird for him.
I turn 24 in three months, and I am almost freaking out. What is wrong with me? I feel the pressure, the expectations, the missed goals, etc. Basically I don't have my Aston Martin or the house I designed in my head (it's quite awesome, let me tell you). So what is wrong? I graduated high school as a Valedictorian, and now I drop out of school to start a window cleaning business?!
I am stupid! This is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted! This is definitely not my life plan. Most of my classmates are graduated. But then again, they don't have jobs either. Most of them, anyway. But even still, I feel incompetent. I feel like I should have more accomplished. Maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to see the whole picture. Maybe I need to take this year and do all I can so I can have my early-life-crisis when I turn 25.
I think that will be my goal. Starting once I turn 24, I want to live it like it is my last (cliche, I know. Think figuratively). Give that year all that I have. I am going to write down all the important things and check them off if it is within my possibility. Driving fast cars (maybe a driving class with expensive cars), travel around the world (around-the-world plane ticket), watching the Olympics (Vancouver, BC?), buying my motorcycle (I got my license..), get married (ladies? I'm accepting applications, ha ha), and I don't know what else. But I think I am going to let next year be the year. I can freak out on my birthday after that.
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I turn 24 in three months, and I am almost freaking out. What is wrong with me? I feel the pressure, the expectations, the missed goals, etc. Basically I don't have my Aston Martin or the house I designed in my head (it's quite awesome, let me tell you). So what is wrong? I graduated high school as a Valedictorian, and now I drop out of school to start a window cleaning business?!
I am stupid! This is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted! This is definitely not my life plan. Most of my classmates are graduated. But then again, they don't have jobs either. Most of them, anyway. But even still, I feel incompetent. I feel like I should have more accomplished. Maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to see the whole picture. Maybe I need to take this year and do all I can so I can have my early-life-crisis when I turn 25.
I think that will be my goal. Starting once I turn 24, I want to live it like it is my last (cliche, I know. Think figuratively). Give that year all that I have. I am going to write down all the important things and check them off if it is within my possibility. Driving fast cars (maybe a driving class with expensive cars), travel around the world (around-the-world plane ticket), watching the Olympics (Vancouver, BC?), buying my motorcycle (I got my license..), get married (ladies? I'm accepting applications, ha ha), and I don't know what else. But I think I am going to let next year be the year. I can freak out on my birthday after that.
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Friday, November 13, 2009
Allowing it to hurt. Part 2
This was not meant to be a two part post, but I got some quick feedback that made me realize it needed some explanation. So here goes.
Why do we strive to find comfort? Do we seek comfort above all else? What is more important to us, growth or pain-free living? If you look at the buying trends of Americans, the answer is obvious. Granted, this could just be proving my point that life is suffering and therefore we spend more money to get out of it than back into it. But wouldn't it rather make sense that if it is inevitable, shouldn't we as humans learn to adapt? Since that is what we are so good at. That is the strongest animalistic trait that we have as humans. We have the ability to adapt in our environment. In almost any environment, with almost any situations including paraplegia and prison and lottery winnings [min 5:30 of video], we can readjust to our surroundings.
Life is suffering. This is not a doomsday forecast. This is yesterday, today and tomorrow.
On a positive note, Life is good. I never said otherwise. For the most part, I enjoy my life. I hope you enjoy yours. I believe that life is to be enjoyed to its fullest. But my point is that life cannot be enjoyed to its fullest if you are trying to protect yourself from pain and suffering.
Risk. Opportunity. Possibility. Taking chances. All these come with a likely chance at failure. Love is lost is hurt. Marriage is vulnerability and pain (speaking from second-hand info, not experience). Learning has growth pains. Enjoy it. Find the good in it. Find the joy in it, because if you don't, you will forever seek a life without pain, and that life sounds worthless.
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For part 1, click here.
Why do we strive to find comfort? Do we seek comfort above all else? What is more important to us, growth or pain-free living? If you look at the buying trends of Americans, the answer is obvious. Granted, this could just be proving my point that life is suffering and therefore we spend more money to get out of it than back into it. But wouldn't it rather make sense that if it is inevitable, shouldn't we as humans learn to adapt? Since that is what we are so good at. That is the strongest animalistic trait that we have as humans. We have the ability to adapt in our environment. In almost any environment, with almost any situations including paraplegia and prison and lottery winnings [min 5:30 of video], we can readjust to our surroundings.
Life is suffering. This is not a doomsday forecast. This is yesterday, today and tomorrow.
On a positive note, Life is good. I never said otherwise. For the most part, I enjoy my life. I hope you enjoy yours. I believe that life is to be enjoyed to its fullest. But my point is that life cannot be enjoyed to its fullest if you are trying to protect yourself from pain and suffering.
Risk. Opportunity. Possibility. Taking chances. All these come with a likely chance at failure. Love is lost is hurt. Marriage is vulnerability and pain (speaking from second-hand info, not experience). Learning has growth pains. Enjoy it. Find the good in it. Find the joy in it, because if you don't, you will forever seek a life without pain, and that life sounds worthless.
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For part 1, click here.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Allowing it to hurt. Part 1
In Buddhism there are what they call The Four Noble Truths. This is their path to nirvana and peace in nothingness. But this is not where I am headed. What I am going to focus on is their number one truth/realization:
"Life is Suffering"
How simple. It says something that makes your reaction something around "duh." But isn't this the anti-thesis of our existence? Do we not fight with all our might to ward off pain and suffering? I find not only this true, but also that I go out of my way to ward off even the slightest discomfort.
Prepare yourself, I am about to disclose some personal information. I own about 20-ish pairs of shoes. I have not counted in a while. (In high school I had about 17, but 12 of which were specifically for sports, and one or two nice pair for church, a pair to get dirty, and two for school, now they are all casual shoes). But to get to my point, I usually only wear my one white pair of Vans. Why is this? Because they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have. No other pair fits as well as these and looks good all the time.
So what is my point in all of this? I have spent a lot of money to look cool just in the area of footwear, but when it comes down to it, I bypass all others to wear my most comfortable pair (which ironically cost the cheapest). This is how far my avoidance of pain goes.
The point isn't about wearing uncomfortable shoes, but instead the fact that we run away from pain at almost any cost. Life is Suffering. Everything hurts. Exercise hurts, work sucks, love stinks, et cetera. Get out of your bubble of Americana and this ideological dream of endless money so that you can insure your way out of problems. Welcome to Life, Life is Suffering.
*****************************
Intentionally, this was going to be the one and only post specifically on this topic, but for explanation's sake, here is part 2.
"Life is Suffering"
How simple. It says something that makes your reaction something around "duh." But isn't this the anti-thesis of our existence? Do we not fight with all our might to ward off pain and suffering? I find not only this true, but also that I go out of my way to ward off even the slightest discomfort.
Prepare yourself, I am about to disclose some personal information. I own about 20-ish pairs of shoes. I have not counted in a while. (In high school I had about 17, but 12 of which were specifically for sports, and one or two nice pair for church, a pair to get dirty, and two for school, now they are all casual shoes). But to get to my point, I usually only wear my one white pair of Vans. Why is this? Because they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have. No other pair fits as well as these and looks good all the time.
So what is my point in all of this? I have spent a lot of money to look cool just in the area of footwear, but when it comes down to it, I bypass all others to wear my most comfortable pair (which ironically cost the cheapest). This is how far my avoidance of pain goes.
The point isn't about wearing uncomfortable shoes, but instead the fact that we run away from pain at almost any cost. Life is Suffering. Everything hurts. Exercise hurts, work sucks, love stinks, et cetera. Get out of your bubble of Americana and this ideological dream of endless money so that you can insure your way out of problems. Welcome to Life, Life is Suffering.
*****************************
Intentionally, this was going to be the one and only post specifically on this topic, but for explanation's sake, here is part 2.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My Relient
Sometimes I wonder why I want so badly to listen to music as I fall asleep. Sometimes it's obvious. In a way, it is a lyrical cuddle [phrase stolen from someone famous], but it is so easy to make it an escape from the thoughts running through my mind.
I don't want to think about work. I don't want to think about my problems. I don't want to think about tomorrow. Is this a bad thing? Should I embrace the mindless splattering in my thought filled world? Or should I let it go? Is it not vital to stop thinking so I can fall asleep?
Honestly, I think it is the latter. You have to know how to turn your brain off. My brain does not have an on/off switch, but I can crowd it with filler so that autopilot takes over. Imagining being on stage in front of all my groupies. Belting out this music I can only imagine I wrote. Life really is a dream.
But until that happens, I'm going to enjoy my Relient K album that I have been enjoying ever since I caught on to the words. Apparently it is about a break up. Apparently I did not listen to it closely enough to realize that at first. And apparently it was foreshadowing. So here I go. Goodnight.
I don't want to think about work. I don't want to think about my problems. I don't want to think about tomorrow. Is this a bad thing? Should I embrace the mindless splattering in my thought filled world? Or should I let it go? Is it not vital to stop thinking so I can fall asleep?
Honestly, I think it is the latter. You have to know how to turn your brain off. My brain does not have an on/off switch, but I can crowd it with filler so that autopilot takes over. Imagining being on stage in front of all my groupies. Belting out this music I can only imagine I wrote. Life really is a dream.
But until that happens, I'm going to enjoy my Relient K album that I have been enjoying ever since I caught on to the words. Apparently it is about a break up. Apparently I did not listen to it closely enough to realize that at first. And apparently it was foreshadowing. So here I go. Goodnight.
The next step
What goes up must come down. And when you go out on a limb, more often than not, you will be left out there to fall. When you show your ugly side, most people will not be attracted to it. Facts of life.
So how do we keep the courage to continue to keep off the masks? You stop, realize that life usually sucks more than doesn't and you trudge along. One thing I am learning in sales is that most people will say no. That remains true to dating. Thankfully I do not have to date each of my customers before they buy from me.
But as I continue, I realize that I have the option to take it in stride, realize it hurts--some failures more than others--and take the time to assess the pain and move on in time. As I laid on my shag rug last night in front of my space heater (there's something nostalgic about a space heater), I seriously thought that there should be a switch, a lesson learned and move on. But once again, I am wrong. So once again, I laid in front of my space heater and screamed out. Wanting the pain to stop. Trying to decide which self-medication form I would take to try to move on (fyi, it was music. Owl City to be precise).
And so the cycle starts again. This time with another lesson learned. And more known about me. And another branch that could not hold my weight.
So how do we keep the courage to continue to keep off the masks? You stop, realize that life usually sucks more than doesn't and you trudge along. One thing I am learning in sales is that most people will say no. That remains true to dating. Thankfully I do not have to date each of my customers before they buy from me.
But as I continue, I realize that I have the option to take it in stride, realize it hurts--some failures more than others--and take the time to assess the pain and move on in time. As I laid on my shag rug last night in front of my space heater (there's something nostalgic about a space heater), I seriously thought that there should be a switch, a lesson learned and move on. But once again, I am wrong. So once again, I laid in front of my space heater and screamed out. Wanting the pain to stop. Trying to decide which self-medication form I would take to try to move on (fyi, it was music. Owl City to be precise).
And so the cycle starts again. This time with another lesson learned. And more known about me. And another branch that could not hold my weight.
Monday, November 9, 2009
In less important news, this is my 100th post
This is the problem with social networking. This is the problem with online branding. This is the problem with life as it is told we should live. Why are we told to be on our best behavior. Why should we put our best foot forward. Why do we dress up one step higher in our job interview. Answer to question #1: in order to not embarrass our parents. Answer to question #2: cuz the other foot sucks. Answer to question #3: to create a good first impression.
So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.
The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.
What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.
How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.
What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.
But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.
But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.
And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.
So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.
The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.
What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.
How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.
What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.
But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.
But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.
And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.