Playing the game

Is it all a game? Are we just playing different aspects of the same board game? It is as if one person is going for all the railroads, someone else is trying for all the utilities, and someone else is just trying to stay out of jail and get past Go for that $200.

What is this? Is it just a game? Are we just playing with our own bodies and minds trying to get ahead like in a race? Are we really trying to be the best versions of ourselves? Should we stop ourselves from achieving that goal? What is wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being the best version of me. Only, what am I willing to stop at? How far is too far? Should I even care?

I have been reading an article on neuro-enhancers and how they increase cognition. Incredible, and I can completely understand because when I have taken Vicodin and can focus and accomplish much more than usual. On top of that, I feel like a much better person: more outgoing, funnier, more lively. With the side affects of eating bad food and drinking, how much worse could these be for you, especially with the benefits that you get? The possibilities are endless when tempted with something like this. They are simple steps to get ahead and strive for more. Why not? If we are here playing a game, then should we not try to win? or at least be a better player?

The possible future

Sometimes I see that end of the tunnel. As if, what if, how else, et cetera. I see it clearly, as if in some altered state. Right now it is black and white and like a movie. Here it plays, no chance of rewinding, but it does have alternate endings. But that clarity is still so vague, so ambiguous and foreign. I live here and now. Living in the pool of my thoughts. Thinking through the forest of ponderings and trains available for departure and return. Where do they go, more importantly, where do they stop? All in one vast photograph of the past present and future. What a vague representation of the specific times emotions and feelings of people closest to me. The permanence of past, liquidity of love, and frailty of life itself. The day to day ebb and flow of each action, thought, and idea. It all wanes together in some force in this whole world. While being watched through the judging eyes of our own audience. Our audience of fools and lovers. The pressure. The fate... What we call life.

Extreme OCD

So paralyzed by fear. And it is fear which is unseated in anything meaningful. Obsessive compulsive people act out of irrational fears. We all have some irrational fears. And we all act out of some sense of fear. Fear and greed, they are the strongest motivators known to man. Some people have better control, yet some are completely controlled by them.

Today I saw a man who could not face the counter at the coffee shop. He decided to walk backwards the entire time and never looked at a single person. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen in real life. How do you get to that point? Where is his disconnect between his world and reality? What kind of thought process justifies such irrational behavior. I have had friends who must hit the button for the crosswalk a certain number of times, must wash their face a certain number of times, wash their hands in the restroom at least a certain number of times. Most of these are the are thanks to the marketing of cleaning product companies and overzealous news anchors. The foolish and extreme stories that are based on minor details and random facts to manufacture a story to sell to gullible people. They manufacture fear. And fearful people soak it up. It is why people are more afraid of the public bathroom than the public pool which has more excrements and is dirtier than most bathrooms.

But as I look into my own unsettled fear, what is causing irrational behavior for myself? What are my own irrational behaviors that are seated in unjustifiable fears? Why do I refuse to wear red, white, and blue in one outfit, even if it doesn't look patriotic or coordinated? Why do I sometimes fidget on my phone in order to feel productive or busy rather than sit there comfortably alone in the moment? Why do I clam up whenever I talk with attractive girls even if there is no reason to be afraid? Why do I focus so much on other peoples' thoughts and approval of my every move when I know it is impossible to satisfy them all? And why do I fear so much of my future that I usually refuse to risk it?

So much progress has been made on where I have been previously, but still so much remains left perfectly irrational (such an oxymoron). So this is the fight. This is the struggle between actions and fear-filled twisted logic. How would it even look if we could live without fear? in perfect rationality? What if each step we took would be perfectly purposeful and logical? Is that really what we should strive for? I do not think so, but just that ideal would be so many steps better than where we are. When will what we crave and desire actually match up with what we should (such a vague claim) and what is purposeful (such an subjective term)?

The worries of the Beach

What is it about the beach? The constant white noise of the waves crashing. The bright lights of the stars and moon illuminating only a few details. The cold sand under my feet. The warm breeze across the sand and my exposed skin. The grass whistling back and forth. Somehow the worries and thoughts of normal life just disappear. The struggles of money, life, relationships, and girls. All the stresses every day through my mind seem to melt away and I can enjoy the moment.

Maybe the white noise keeps my normal noise down. Maybe the light keeps my eyes on the environment at present. Maybe the solitude and soothing silence keeps the loneliness away. Maybe the cold sand and the warm breeze keeps me focused here and now at this time in life. Maybe the fresh air keeps the out the corporate ideal from entraping my entire being.

Whatever it is, I can be here and now and enjoy the peace. I can forget the life and struggles at home and grasp the peace and serenity of the moment.