Mindful Wanderings on a Sunny Day

It was too nice outside to be in. But there was too little time for a run or ride or anything else I would normally do. So I just walked outside without a coat or a plan. It was kind of freeing. No pressure. I had 45 minutes until one of my friends came over. Time to kill.

There was nothing on my mind. Correction: there was a million things in my mind, but nothing to think about. To focus my energy on. So I just walked.

I found myself again at peet's. Outside, cross-legged, in a chair on the patio. Again, there was nothing to dwell on. I slightly felt purposeless, but I let that thought pass as well. I just thought about the people, the conversations, the memories, here at this table and just around.

Is this the story, the timeline being written about life? Here on Sunday morning with the world in front of me. What is my next move? What is happening next?

Who knows. But I have another twenty minutes to sit here in the sun. I'll think about it.

As Time Goes By

Counting time by how many 2-hour internet passes at Peet's coffee, puts into perspective all that I have been trying to accomplish. Focusing on what is most important and effective attempts to train yourself to work smarter as well as harder. To be honest, I think I have spent more than 17 hours over the last week. I never thought I would be a coffee shop rat, but since I get so much more accomplished here than at home, I justify the $2.15 I spend for two shots of espresso with a packet of raw sugar.

As I try to focus on the unending amount of information I am trying to glean from the internet and books, these 17+ hours have taught me more than this whole term at PSU costing more than $2500 not including lost time working and travel costs. It amazes me that we as a civilization are still trapped in this cycle of college teachers pretending to know what they are talking about when all they need is to be re-hired. Maybe I am just upset that I am getting what I pay for and really need just something more than Portland. My dreams are too big for my city. And not in any pretensious way, but I really want to conquer the world. And I feel more suppressed by the institutionalized education system than liberated. All this, plus the whole holiday season (that I have never really enjoyed) and the impending cold, impending weather, and shorter days (not to add my recent failures as a man) have put me back into this funk that I have been fighting all fall. It is another season that has dampened the great excitement of the summer. It really is just a smack of reality after a season of optimism. Here is where the rubber meets the road (to use the cliche) and we must reorganize our lives and priorities in order to continue on in a realistic manner.

You realize quickly who your friends are and who you consider as friends. You prioritize much differently. And important things are rearranged in your schedule. It is an important excercise that awkwardly happens annually. How can we continue on without being slaves to this system? How can we control it without it controlling us? Or is it even possible? Or is it really the best since we must take inventory of our thought again as a systematic task.

Maybe I am overthinking. or maybe overworking. I hope not, because I really want to be something bigger than myself and accomplish something that means more to me than myself. Freedom is really all that everybody wants in life. I am not an exception. I just do not want to be average.

Boy A

Rarely does a movie choose you while you choose a movie. Rarely does a movie hit you so powerfully without you realizing it until you nearly cry at the end because of its relation to you. All I looked for was a good movie. Something that was worth my time, and this one barely beat out There Will Be Blood, only because it was shorter.

As it started, I thought of the unrealism and the lack of necessary items that usually make me dislike most movies. But for some reason, I immediately told myself that movies, especially independent films, are meant for the hypothetical purpose, not as much for the great plot, story, acting, realism, etc. This captivating story of this boy becoming a man shows a distinct line between who we are and who we want to be. But the problem is that we cannot disconnect the two.

I spent the day alone. It was quite interesting. I have not done that in a while. I went to church, late, went to Peet's, saw some people, then did a few errands and whatever afterwards. There were few and short conversations over phone and stuff, but nothing in person. But as this position I am in continually grows in oposition towards me, I try to keep my footing, control my thoughts, and keep my vision. My mind is scattered as I try to keep it that way.

The truth is told. Your past catches up with the present. The past never changes, it only changes who you are. The people in your past try to change, but their actions never do. I help work with kids, all we want is love. All we want is hope and a future.

Where do you go, when all you're going to is away?

Now

As I come off this seasonal high and get hit in the face with a reality and my own stupidity, these desires for happiness turn back into desires for meaning. There is a huge difference. As I sit in Peet's coffee for the last 3 hours, I pore over the many aspects of my life that are conducted over business, research, and life on the internet and my computer. From social networking to craigslist to google and wikipedia. This is where I am content spending my time since there is no one at home or anything really to do on a sunny yet cold Sunday afternoon.

As the evening crew (and regular customers) rotates to the other familiar faces, I look for my exit, my reason to leave. Why does it need to be philosophical? Why can it not be a simple reason to switch activities and audience? I am looking for something. Something worthwhile that can captivate my attention, not just entertain it. As I watch a customer struggle with the creamer and all the condiment options, I think first, that I am entertained by it, and second, that it is so easy to get frustrated with the little things in life that seem to make the simplicities of life unnecessarily frustrating.

Also, I watch and converse with the many previous Starbucks customers that I know, and I also talk to the new people I know from here and try to find something that relates (yes, philosophical again). I realize that there will always be new people to fill the voids where the old left. But only to a degree. As a photograph freezes that time and feeling from an old experience, so did those old friends have a nostalgic way of remembering younger times in life. Growth is measured relative to the past. You hope to be a better person than the day before. This is not always so, but it is the goal. And as I fight through the feelings and accept the consequences of my regression from progression, I try to be mature and respect those who are harmed by my actions. I try to be constructive and find the positive, do what I can do, and take a hit as I move on. Progress.

What is the next step? I have no clue. I have some desires. Some ideas and possibilities, but nothing quite feels right. I cannot deny the emotions nor do I want to. I want to take this anger at myself and funnel it into something that accelerates my learning. This one step back means that I have to run faster than before. It has made me stronger. I am not grown up, but I am older and hopefully better than yesterday. So even though I sit here in a coffee shop imagining what I would like to do, I have the knowledge that those desires will become reality. I have the ability to move on and keep this momentum going. The emotions will soon become secondary and I will find the direction again. The new direction towards meaning.

Staring at Stupidity

I sit here in disgust with myself. I can only think about my amazing failures directly in front of me. I cannot justify it, although I want to. I cannot accept it, because I am stupid. And I cannot correct it, because it is past due. The truth stares at me. The reality of the consequences glare me down.

As easy as it is to look down on those around me, as I have all day, how ironic that it turns around on me. Building myself up as I stand on others, puts more pain in my heart because I forget to look at who I am standing on. I felt so smart. I felt so wise. I felt so much better than I have in a long time. Now it crashes down on myself as a foolish misstep in my journey of life. My mind wants to go off on how livid I am with myself, but I try to contain my sanity; to claim this maturity that has done me so well. *sarcasm.*

Although it hurts me that I have done no better than the people I despise have done to me, I want to be better. I need to be better than that. I have to prove to myself that I am better, because I have proved to those closest to me that I am not. Where do I go from here? Right now I go nowhere. Right now I wallow in my own foolish and stupid actions. There is not another choice. I accept the guilt, and wish I could fix it, but the way to reconcile is not apparent right now. Instead I take the frustration, the anger and disappointment and attempt to channel it into something worthwhile. Push myself because of my failures. In spite of my failures. Because I know I will continue to fail, only I hope... I don't know what I hope for. I hate myself right now, and the truly stupid things that I do.

The Desire 2

As I really disect the reasons I have behind the desires I have, there are a few things that come to the front. More than just the sex appeal, more than the shallow desire for excess, more than the power and positioning money can give. There seems to be an understanding of success associated with being rich. I want to be successful. With my new business, the thought of signing my own paychecks is exciting. That is one step in the direction of success and just having a sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment.

On top of that, there is the idea of just having, and having more. Although shallow, the attention gained from having new, interesting, flashy stuff is a huge appeal. You can get attention from most people by being able to show off. It is the most immature, yet real reason.

This last reason has been something I have realized lately that underlies who I am. In a way it seems selfish and lazy, but in reality it is a desire for freedom and the ability to live without bounds. I want to be financially free, able to live off interest so that I don't become a prisoner of the 9-5. I hate the idea of doing the same thing over and over. I want my life back from corporate America and the ideas behind it. I want to be able to get away and live without the chains that most Americans have. The chains of bills, mortgage, and mediocrity. It is pathetic and I know there is more without being sucked into the endless desire for just having more.

Attempt: success

It actually felt right. Something changed. I want to credit certain people doing (or rather not doing) certain things, but I do not want to start blaming or promoting one person over another. That is how we got into this mess (well, more or less).

But beside all that, the fact is that we are here at this point. And this point is leaps and bounds further than we have ever been. I am excited for once. I feel a sense of belonging. I hope it is not just me that feels this. As I have been growing up, I have been watching my mind look at things and think of things so much differently. How I am looking at this now is drastically new, and exciting to the opening possibilities that could actually happen.

For once, I am happy about this situation and where it is headed.

My Moral Obligations

Ought, should, moral right, whatever is it? How should I act? What should I do? What is our higher calling, and why do we not do it?

It seems so simple: give to those who need. But instead we want to keep selfishly and greedily. And if we do give, it is somehow twisted for our own selfish gain. There is no morality. Life is sinful and corrupt. But it makes so much sense. It is the same as cleaning our bathroom. If we did it little by little, when we have free time, it wouldn't get so dirty it takes a lot of time and a lot of cleaning. But that is the problem, we are too absorbed in our own self-satisfying, narcissistic world that we cannot even see the things around us that we have the ability to help.

I have been preaching to those around me, whether straight at them through encouragement, advice, or correction, or in my own head against them by bringing them down, degrading them, and judging them. And that is no better. I need to practice what I preach, if only to myself. We all know it is not our first reaction. We all know it is not in our own interest. But we do know it is what is right. It is our duty.

Attempt #1

As in all things, it there is a first step. Every journey starts with one, and they are never less than a single step.

So here goes. It had started before, but that is all. It just started. I tried to let things be, hoping the issues would fix themselves once the ball got rolling. But as with all things in life, it's not that easy. Life continued. And it went back to the normal. The normal that none of us wanted to come back to.

So I attempt again. This time a bit more personal than topical. It is hard to take myself out of the situation and think objectively. It worked well, but not great. As I imagined, it did nor happen. Such is life, I guess. If only I could be real. If only I could let go and let it be. If only things could work as I hoped. Then what? Who knows.

I will get off my own case and continue on. No journey is short. Thanks to Murphey, no fix will be simple nor permanent. We can only continue on, attempt after attempt, to make life better.

The Desire

I know what it is. The desire for more; the feeling of inadequacy. It is just consumerism. It is pure American want. It is the American Dream. The purchasing power that we all want. It is BS. Why do I feel I need it? I don't. There is nothing that I need. I could even go without food for a few days and be fine. The diet or fast could actually be beneficial. I don't need anything. But the desire is still there. The want for cars, girls, and money. It is a security that comes with money. And why wouldn't any man want an extremely attractive woman. The car is obvious as well. Who doesn't want to go as fast as possible? But the empty desire for more is what is pointless and vain. There is more to life than having more. This feeling of loneliness will not be fixed with more crap. Only a few things will truly satisfy. And they won't be found in an ad.

The foreign Thought

To be honest, it is amusing when people do not understand it. The action of it, or the reasoning for it. It isn't painless. It isn't selfish. It is real and more powerful than you could imagine.

There was an article I read about another writer who comitted his life. Even in spite of his success and fame, the powers that be would not allow him to enjoy it. The biographer could not grasp the idea. The reality eluded him. Although his wife came near it, even still, the depth and solitude cannot be fathomed by those who continue on day by day without ever thinking of it. The bottom isn't so low for them to think of quitting. Giving up has never been an option in this regard. Millions of people have thought of this, many have done it. I have even thought of it [past tense]. When you hit the bottom, then the floor drops out, there isn't another option, because there is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. That light is only an idea, not an actual reality. What is real is the fear. The pain. The words from those above you telling you that you are foolish and worthless.

It is not intended to be a selfish act. Only a hope for something better. The compete lack of strength to be here. Blame the chemicals or the media or even the people themselves. But the hope is only for hope. Only an imaginary flare up for love before forever again being forgotten. All it is is hoping for love. Isn't that what everybody wants?

Selfish Desires

Besides the obvious, why am I so selfish? Why do I covet and desire the nice, expensive things? Why do I want money and things?

Beside the obvious fact that they are nicer, and I want money so I do not have to worry about bills and having whatever whenever, there is something under the fact that I want. I want what I do not have. Is that the only reason? I don't think so. Is it to prove something? Then what am I proving, and to who am I proving it? It could be to prove success, I could agree with that, but that asks what is success? Or it could be to prove something to everybody. But why? Most people see rich people as selfish, stuck up jerks. Will it give me respect maybe? Or am I trying to prove something to myself? Once again, why? I am still trying to figure out who I am exactly, maybe this is part of who I am. I just do not see the purpose of proving something to myself. It is slightly ironic, or oximoronic.

I guess I just do not understand the purpose of the underlying sin and desire in my heart for things. There is so much that I want to have, I want to work for, and I'd be willing to spend my life acquiring. But what is the point? Why the desire?

Why are people so hard to get along with

Every single time. The exact same thing. Some people refuse to change, grow up, and compromise to try to make things better for everyone around them. It is as if they have something to prove to everybody and will not give up until everybody is pissed off. Are they blind? Are we all blind?

I just pray I can keep my composure in spite of the immaturity.

As We Walk by

After my last post, looking to talk to at least two new people each day, I actually accomplished the task before my first class. One person I knew from working at Starbucks, and another as I was waiting for my class to start. It honestly opened up my eyes to the sense that people are just as willing to talk if you talk to them and create something interesting to talk about. And you are much more friendly when you are looking for someone to talk to. It is cyclical.

But that got me to think about all the people here at Portland State, and the millions of people in Portland and the surrounding metro area that walk within inches of me everyday. The people that interact within feet of me and are around me the whole day. How many people are so different and have their own lives just as I do. How is it that I continue to walk on without a care in the world? Why is it so American for us to not care?

So as part of that, I want to encourage people to comment on these posts. I know people read them, and if you think, then you probably have an opinion. Therefore, let me know. Let us have a public discussion. I want to know. The reality is that life is not all about me. And it is not about you either, but that is the point. Live life for something more.

What about friendships

To be honest, I have given so much thought about love lately, and focused so much on that, that I wonder if I have tried to jump over friendships in general, or I have just taken them for granted.

Lately, there has been drama and stupid quarrels between friends that have given me a sour taste in my mouth in relation to relationships, especially with immature people around me. People are unwilling to realize that friends are not forever, but you also need to be an adult and deal with your problems in order to be around people you do not like.

I will try not to get into that too much right now, because it is not my topic. My topic has to do with people and loving your friends. To be honest, there are people that I love that I do not want to love. I cannot stand being around them. I want to be interested in uninteresting people. To be honest, I am bored with myself, I am not that great, and I want to meet and genuinely get to know other people and love them without spending weekends on camping trips. Do you get my struggle? I am not looking for a shortcut, I am looking for a change of heart. I would like to go on a camping trip, but maybe let us start with a conversation that does not revolve around myself. What does that look like? How can I create that?

So here is my experiment: I plan on meeting and chatting with two people each day I am at school. I hate talking to people at school. But here goes. Maybe this will help.

Do nothing

It seems if I want to feel like I am accomplishing anything, then I have to be doing something all the time. That is why I keep my phone and sometimes a book or something handy every moment. Even now, I e-mail on this phone because for the moment that I stopped I had an epiphany I had to share.

What is wrong? How is this picture and idea somehow strained us? Because I cannot sit down without feeling a sense of lost productivity. Because in this world of success, if you stop to take a rest, then the tortoise will beat you in the race. Because in the game of life, whoever has the most toys in the end, wins. Or maybe because we don't know how. We do not understand the idea of rest and truly being satisfied. We do not know what that looks like. Because we feel awkward when we do sit and do nothing. Those that are comfortable with of we as working class deem them lazy -- on one end --or born into wealth -- on the other end of the gammut. Either way, the competitive nature in us does not allow breaks. But honestly, I do not care. Life is a journey, not a race.

Another Restless Night

At first, I wonder how many grammatical and spelling mistakes I will make since this is another late-night awake and drowning in my thoughts like the one a few nights ago. But I can fix those tomorrow.

What is on my mind as I skip through my playlist looking for something to catch my attention and fall asleep to? I skip and and find nothing. But it relates well to the thoughts of people around me. I feel so alone right now, but continue on searching and skipping past hoping for something ahead. I try to relate the first impression to what catches my attention on my mp3 player. So many songs, so many artists and bands. The catchy intro's just don't keep my attention. What am I looking for exactly? I have no clue. I want something that fits exactly how I am feeling now. Do I want something new and beautiful? Do I want a regular that I have fell asleep to many times before? Or should I go back to that one classic that always seems satisfy this lonely feeling? Will there be an old one that fits well if I look at it differently? Or am I searching my music in vain, and the perfect song is not here yet? Maybe my song isn't in my playlist. Maybe it is still out there, being written.

Beauty in the Negative

As I drove around, I took the backroads to keep away from and couldn't not realize the beauty of the fall colors and the that had or had not fallen. As you know, I am not a fan of season. The cold, the gray, the rain just is not exactly uplifting. And the upcoming holidays aren't exactly a light at the end of tunnel, either. I like the warm sun and being able to be without needing to be bundled up in jackets so you don't freeze.

Back to my point, today was gorgeous. After my negative yesterday, I accomplished a bunch of things, got over the down I had been in and really looked up to the rest of the day. today has not disappointed either. The leaves are on the ground, color is all around, and it masks the gray sky above. The ground damp, but not slick. And although things are changing, it is a that can represent my own life and just growing up in general. I can finally look at the new season with a positive outlook.

It is nice to be able to see something old in a beautiful new way.

How do we control it? What would we do with it if we could control it?

I think of the monks in India or the Discovery channel or wherever they are from, who can control their body temperature and their heart rate. What if the normal person could do that -- or maybe the more important question should be why is the normal person not doing that? But I digress. What do they have control over? And does it mean that they just have better control over their entire body? Do they control their emotions, their moods and everything else? Can they? Do they hold off other bodily functions such as sleep, and defecating as well? Wow, I did digress.

Basically my question is how can we control more of ourselves than we do? What stops us, and how do we get past that. Because I am tired of the things stopping me in my tracks that keep me from being who I want to be. I want to be more than this, and the fears and other powers that keep me down continue to fight against me. And they definitely have the home advantage. There will be a change sometime, but I don't know when.