So here it is. Finally. A post that is more than just the normal conundrum of my life. Boring, I know.
But what does that take? What distracts my mind from everything back to my own selfish self? As I went camping this weekend, I sensed all my thoughts were either wrapped around my selfish self or some other completely negative thought. I do not want that to become who I am. Neither selfish nor depressing. I could blame it on a million things that logically make sense and could be tracked back to. Either way is regressive. So what now? I don't know...
But what I do know is that I am going to kill that last part of me. Not literally, no need for intervention. But metaphorically. It will come back I understand, but it is not who I want to become, so for that reason, I am leaving it behind. All this murderous and walking metaphors make me want to watch a movie.
Possibly, this is just a natural evolution: contentment, apathetic, discontent, upset, angry, answers, reoriented, repeat. At least that is how it has been, in a 3 month cycle with small cycles thrown in between to keep me on my toes. So here goes... the next chapter... the next season. Step one, getting refocused on progress and goals. Getting up earlier. I'm gonna shoot for around 5am and maybe pull it back from there, we will see where it goes. But it is in the name of focus and discipline. I got motivated thanks to Steve Pavlina's blog post on becoming an early riser. So read it and get motivated too, if you want. Otherwise stay tuned on how it goes with me.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Taking that step.
It has been a long time. So long I must be reminded how this all works. But it quickly comes back. As does the backlog of all that has been going through my mind. All the working refusing to quiet as I attempt to live day to day. Or rather, willing to let me live my days, only to haunt me throughout the night unwilling to allow sleep. Maybe "haunt" is too caustic of a word.
Somewhere in this Twitter filled lifestyle, these long passages seem almost irrelevant. Once the times pass, how can I really go back and give an accurate rendering of what really happened? Of how I really felt? And that is the key. In the good as well as the bad, how do I remember what I have learned even though I know each event has turned me one way or another. Although the current product of me 2.0 is what it is because of each happening, how do I remember the biggest turns so that I can go back and relive to continue that direction when I turn away? Especially this week. Once again I fall back on the typical doubts that have been forced into my head for so long. Once again I let life slip away into fear. into the hurt that I have somehow been able to forget. into the distraction that keeps me from being content. And finally I was called out. Called out, reaffirmed, and re-established. Good pain. Being told the reality that I haven't wanted to accept and look at.
And at that time, life becomes reality. No more running from it. Instead I accept what it is. Whatever this is. And I move. And I see. And I am comfortable. And I am content. For once. Content with myself, the world, as vague as that is, being able to sit back and instead of wanting I can love again. I can be honest with myself and all those around me. Such a small step, but finally the right step heading the right way.
Somewhere in this Twitter filled lifestyle, these long passages seem almost irrelevant. Once the times pass, how can I really go back and give an accurate rendering of what really happened? Of how I really felt? And that is the key. In the good as well as the bad, how do I remember what I have learned even though I know each event has turned me one way or another. Although the current product of me 2.0 is what it is because of each happening, how do I remember the biggest turns so that I can go back and relive to continue that direction when I turn away? Especially this week. Once again I fall back on the typical doubts that have been forced into my head for so long. Once again I let life slip away into fear. into the hurt that I have somehow been able to forget. into the distraction that keeps me from being content. And finally I was called out. Called out, reaffirmed, and re-established. Good pain. Being told the reality that I haven't wanted to accept and look at.
And at that time, life becomes reality. No more running from it. Instead I accept what it is. Whatever this is. And I move. And I see. And I am comfortable. And I am content. For once. Content with myself, the world, as vague as that is, being able to sit back and instead of wanting I can love again. I can be honest with myself and all those around me. Such a small step, but finally the right step heading the right way.