Half thoughts

All day now I have been listening to talks and speeches by people much smarter than I am. Each has at one point done something to let them stand out in their field to know more than the rest. And with each exposition I understand their side, I relate to their examples and we connect in some metaphysical way.

Because of my lack of knowledge, I know I cannot refute or much dialog with them. We could have a good conversation because they are usually cool people, but from what I know and my own experiences in the world, I know that at least some of what they say is true. But how much of it?

I see their argument, their theory on this portion of life they work with. But that is all it is. When I stop and think, I see holes and things they assume or deny. Does that invalidate them? No. They are still standouts in their field for a reason. They know more than I do.

But this is not my point to figure out when to discount or believe people with credentials. My point is what do you do with opposing, believable ideas? How do you reconcile two thoughts each with faults and each with truths? Where do you put them? You cannot discount both or believe both.

The Death Test

How many times have you heard this: "if you knew you only had a few years to live, what would you do, what would you change?" How many youth leaders, motivational speakers, movies and books have dwelled on this? What about one year to live? Six months? One month? One week? One hour?

What would you do?

If life was reprioritized for you, wouldn't you be more productive and specific in each choice you made? Shouldn't you live like that now since you do not know how long you will live, and if you do it will help your priorities?

Absolutely not! I try to set my state of mind and reprioritize my life again and suddenly realize the absurdities of this idea to live each day as your last. Are you serious? It is stupid to believe you could do more by believing you are living less.

Let me explain myself. First, you should live like there is a tomorrow. Quit stressing about what you are not getting done. Focus on one or a few things. Life will go on. Second, there are consequences to what you choose. What you do today, you will live with forever, so choose wisely. And plan accordingly, third. You will go nowhere in life, if you do not have a destination. Once you have that destination, work backwards to smaller destinations and then translate them into to do lists to be done today.

But quit wasting time. Because you do not have a lot of it.

The Pursuit of Happyness

What is happiness? What does it mean and how is it implemented? How do you live a happy life? To some it is a state-of-mind. To some it is chemical balance. To some it is spiritual or emotional states. And to some it is a psychological contentment. And each explanation has some weight. There are theories and ideas that make sense to the average person and right now I am trying to sort some of them out.

Is happiness just the absence of its opposite? For me, I cannot agree that happiness is a life without stress, pain, and struggles. That just sounds boring. But maybe it is that, only more basic. What if it is life without complaints, without hate, and without anxiety. Maybe average joe can enjoy life by ignoring the small struggles in life (although I hate the idea of the book Don't sweat the small stuff, because the small stuff can add up quickly).

As I continue on in one of the most stressful months of my life, I cannot deny the emotional anxiety that is continually ruining my happiness. I cannot push it out no matter how hard I try. As I seek this sense of balance so that I can just simply think straight, my body fights away from it, telling me I need something else. All of its options I know do not correct the problem, they only prolong the time. This fight, this struggle continues on from morning til my dreams. No answer and no one to talk to. Everyone can relate in some way, but no one really understands. No one is here. No one is in my shoes.

But that is not the problem. Because it is the same for every other person as well. I must persevere to find that joy as much as the next person. How can I push through? I know there is an answer. But I do not think it will be as easy as I think it should, nor will it be as complicated as I am guessing. It is more than denying. It is more than receiving. It is more than this life has. It is more than what I think it should be. But I know it is there.

If you want a trip, check out Daniel Craig. He has some interesting thoughts on happiness. Enjoy


[what does that even mean? Enjoy?]

Lent

Lent was never something I knew even existed. I had not heard of the word until after high school. Maybe it was just something none of the people close to me held as worthwhile, but the idea of it could be quite powerful. I have fasted from different things multiple times without real reason, but more for the experience or trying to get through something. Now I want to fast for a more spiritual reason of getting the important things realigned.

But what do I fast from? I see the obvious selfish things that it could turn into: dieting and exercise, sleeping more, not spending money on certain foods, and a bunch of other things that could take away from the purpose of spiritual growth and Christian living (which I know is extremely vague, but it is because there is so much that can be put into those two terms).

So currently, I am thinking of certain entertainment and spending money, eating out, buying stupid things, getting on a set eating schedule to not indulge in certain foods, drinking only water, getting up early, reading a few books I have been putting off, hanging out with some friends I have become distant with, etc. But that is where I am at. I really want to fast from something while growing spiritually and stimulating my mind. I want to "discipline my body." So we shall see where it goes. Stay tuned.

Switch

So I was quite frustrated the last few days (ha ha, more like weeks), but it feels as if I have gotten past that. But I think instead of quitting my blog, and instead of starting a Twitter (which was an idea), I think instead this blog will become a shorter, more up-to-the-date thought life through my head. Mostly, I am not a attention-hungry teenager (yes, I am aware of how many I's I have used already), and I am not an amazing writer that can make a living off his rhetoric. Instead, this is an experiment in honest, blatant living. This is not for anyone else, so honestly, I would rather you not read it. I don't care. If you have feedback, please let me know. If you comment, let me know who you are. Otherwise, read it, take it as it is: my thoughts. I don't expect anything from this, so neither should you. Not to be rude, just honest.

The inspiration of the day

Sometimes I just need inspiration. I need something to spark a thought together. The same way a leader or hero gathers people together, my thoughts need aligning to come together as a complete thought, a complete story.

And maybe that is it. Maybe that is the story and the reason. All leaders also need someone to follow. They need a hero. A role model. The thoughts come together and make sense as I grope around in this life looking for some direction. A bit of a director could have been helpful to this point.

And like that, the pieces fall together to form a picture. I see it in my head, and could write it out on paper, but I feel held back. It is probably for the best, but as the story in my head is dying to get out, the same story is best left unsaid. One thing I am learning is when to speak and when to shut up. I am not good at either. I usually shut up. But right now, that is best. As frustrating as it is, I need to leave that battle for another week, the last few weeks have been battles enough within myself. Today is the first day I can stand all day and look forward to the next.

But what of inspiration and leadership? I am still looking, but I know it is there, and I need look more. Until then, I am not sure. I am debating killing my blog and writing completely for myself. There I can completely express myself without judgment. Here I go again, searching for safety. But maybe it is not safety, but protection.

A New Leaf

Or some lame analogy like that. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Life is change.

What is it? How am I getting past it? I have no clue. My mind is continually filled with questions and answers trying to navigate this life and come out on the other side successfully. What does successful even look like?

Once again I have more time to myself, nothing I would have picked, but it just happened. Out of the blue. So I have been trying to fill the time, fill my mind, fill the void. But it continues: the emptiness. That feeling. That strange unwelcomed feeling of space and time [sounds scientific, but it isn't]. I try to blame or explain the new expanse of time, but I cannot. It just happened. Maybe I had wanted it, maybe I had not. But I was trying so hard not to bring it back, I was just really trying for balance in it all. But it couldn't be. There were too many variables, too many things vying for the same limited time and space in my mind and heart.

What were those variables? Who cares? It does not matter. The time is back, and it is here to stay. It has to. I can't go back without it. I would like to, but I've tried too many times, tried too hard. This time always wins. This expanse of emptiness has found its way back in, back to create the void. Since the void has come back, I have been searching for random things to feed its craving, satisfy its wants, create fillers for this time that again rules my life. Maybe it is time to clean up and clear my head, try to move on.

But that takes time. I don't want time.

I am starting again

Here goes again. Just around the corner seems to be this motherlode for my final push into something. It is a sink-or-swim that I have been struggling in. Allowing myself to either wallow or drown, imagining that I am forcing myself stronger, but I don't need to fight when I can stand in the shallow end. Life has become simple yet complex all in the same week. With a few things I see how easy it could be and realize the distance I need to run, but readying myself for it. But as soon as I start, I allow the complexity of it all to beat me down. I am about to push back as soon as I find myself again. As soon as I start fighting smarter instead of pushing back on the stupid wall that will get me nowhere.

I realize the lameness of this post, and I really do not care. Once again in my life, I have to start where I am at. This isn't where I will stay. Life and time will carry on with or without me. Part of me just hopes and prays that I will keep up, but whatever happens will be what happens. Trying to push off stress and the people that frustrate me is just another losing battle. I am stopping to smell the roses for once. I won't stay long. There are more important things to do.

The drive and desire have slowed down for a little bit, but they will be back soon. I am out there searching for them. It won't be long.

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily" - Napoleon

Only a week-and-a-half late

And there goes another post to the trash.

So I take role again. What am I trying to say? Is it really important enough to post? Or am I still trying to figure it out in my head before I post it to the world? Who am I kidding. I post these for myself as a window into my life. I do not care who reads it. If you decide to look, then fine, but I have tried writing for others before and it did not work as I like. So here goes.

What am I doing here? I know I have drive and such, but once again I see where I am lacking and where I come up short. Again I am having to reprioritize and focus on the things I want to accomplish.

But that brings another question. What do I really want to accomplish, and why? [I am honestly tired of typing question marks. fun fact] What is the importance to the questions I am asking? I heard someone comment on the question of what is the purpose of life, and his take was that it is one of the most stupid, ambiguous and vague questions in the world. No wonder people cannot answer it. Why should we take it seriously? Who cares? It is not important. But then what is the question we should be asking? Whatever it is, it needs to be answerable. That is what I am working on right now. Quit wasting time on stupid things and focus on what I want to do today.

I sit here, again for the millionth time thinking the same things and getting somewhere but in reality it is nowhere. My life has been chasing its tail expecting to find something once it is caught, but where does it lead? It just turns circles while justifying that at least I am getting exercise.

These last few weeks of horrendous stress have left me at a loss for words and strength. I will be happy when these few things have passed and I can again think straight, start searching again for the purpose of life [sarcasm] and find traction. But I have realized that in this whole goal of being a better person will only get me better than the next guy. What is the true goal? What is it that I really want? Maybe I can be specific and instead list out what I could change. Be a better person there, but this ideal is a complete lie in reality. I need to focus, once again.

The stress of life

I hate having to delete a complete post because it was crap. But hopefully there will be a replacement soon. The thoughts are about to explode if they do not somehow escape soon.

Success or Failure

After fighting the internal struggles my whole life, I see which ones keep coming up and which are easily corrected. As new ones start and old ones continue, I naturally fight for a way to disperse the emotions connected with them. Sometimes after failing the same way, the same times, over and over, I try to defer the pain of being a failure. Although I understand the prioritization of major to minor failures, I still see some major ones surfacing through my entire life.

When these failures jump back into the front seat every now and then I see the drive within myself for success and monetary gain. I know and understand the imbalance between the two being that having money will not cover the broken relationships or the inability I have to fix some things with other people or myself. But the conclusion is this: in order to defer the feeling of failure, I need to fight for success somewhere else. When I cannot fix the failure in one place, I search for a place where I can find success, namely monetary gain and success in life. I look at what the world constitutes as success and strive for that so that I might be able to get past the failure I feel that is most important or closest to me. Somehow my mind feels they can replace or negate each other. In my heart I know this is not true, but intellectually I feel the more wins will overlook the number of losses. Life is not a numbers game, but somehow I look to improve my win-loss percentage rather than go back and spend the time to rewrite/fix the losses in my life. The emotional pain that has been or must be endured due to my failures as a person, as a human being, does not seem to outweigh the time and money necessary if I can instead just start fresh.

If only I could just start fresh and forget or get past all the drudge that seems to drive my desire for success.