I'd rather be thinking

To be honest, I do not want to write. There is so much on my mind that it cannot be canned into a simple and stupid blog. But of course, when can it?

So to give you a pass at my mind, I have been thinking about permanence. So much of our lives these days... [Okay, that's right, I am trying to be honest and take responsibility] So much of my life consists of jumping from one temporary thing to the next. Example: temporary jobs, school and classes which I can drop or skip, apartments on 6 month to one year lease, and plans with friends that can be scrapped if something better comes up. No joke, that is the life I live in and what I have been used to.

But now what about permanence? I have been thinking of something more like a permanent tattoo, a 30 year mortgage (temporary, true, but temporary for 30 years is practically permanent in my mind), and marriage. When my friends get married and the main thing they freak out about is "Is she/he the one?" As these options come closer and I have to think about it, I am finally okay with that. It freaks me out a little because it is growing up, but honestly it means I am just willing to stand behind my decisions. My word means something to me. Should making plans with friends keep me responsible to follow through? Of course. But it is not the end of the world if not. What about the rest of the major decisions? What if a house becomes a bad decision? What if a relationship turns into a bad marriage? What if my bet to go all in turns out wrong? Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all(?).

New subject. As I come out of this trial that I have got myself into, I feel so relieved that for once, I pushed through and did not give up. In maybe a sinful way, I am proud of myself (another area to work on). But it makes me happy to see the progress. And I truly am looking for the next thing coming. I am sure I am not ready for it, but I am actually looking for ways to overstretch myself and see what I can take. Who knows what might happen, but I have realized quite a few places that need serious work (pride, selfishness, communication, truly loving other people, what it means to "love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your might," et cetera).

Another update, this whole radical honesty thing has been an interesting journey. Not as easy as you think, because in a lot of ways it can be rude and selfish what you are thinking. But it has let me be more honest with myself and be more honest with my own feelings. So it is a step in the right direction, but I have not jumped all in with everything. I can't yet. Even though it does not require permanence, it does require commitment.

Except for that, I am fed up with so much of the horrible lies and facades people live with every day. It is suffocating. It is lies and I truly wish people could be honest and cut through the crap that hold us back from our full potential. It is the honesty that is so painful that we choose to lie. It is so frustrating for each of us to desire to be the best versions of ourselves but to have every person lie to you in order to save face. That is my current frustration.

And those are my current thoughts.
I am going to go back to my thoughts.

To be honest

What would happen if we (or selfishly: I) never lied again in my life? Isn't that my Christian duty? Then why do we -- especially as Christians -- skirt around that issue? What if I was completely honest with every person that I deal with every day. I know that right now I would hurt a lot of feelings.

To start, I am really depressed. I am upset at the world for a million reasons. I don't want to deal with people or their drama. I really just want people to care about me.

My parents are stressing me out. I have never liked Christmas mainly for this reason. At least my sisters are cool even though I don't feel like I am anything like them. We just share blood and the same family struggles.

I want to work things out with this girl, but I feel that she despises me currently for a few reasons which I can't completely blame her. But she is not making things easy and I am stressing out because I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her again, and I know that is always a possibility.

To stay on that topic, here at Peet's, I noticed the girl working here, the girl sitting behind me, the two girls in front of me, the girl (I think) trying to work things out with her boyfriend (who looked like a douche) and the two or three other semi-attractive girls that have walked in. But honestly, I would not want at all to be with any of these girls, I just want to feel attractive and feel important by talking to them and having them interested in me. I feel slightly prideful and selfish about that. Okay, quite a bit prideful.

I hate that 85%+ of my sentences start with "I..." and most every blog is completely about me. I wish I was a better writer and people would want to read this because it is a great literary piece -- which it is not. I wish most every thought I had was not about trying to fix things with myself but rather to care and love those around me. But what should I expect when I feel completely alone and that no one gives a ........ about me? Just feelings, right?

I am so glad that this is Christmas break and that I don't have to deal with school because it is a waste of time and I am way smarter than most of the people there and I should be able to do whatever I want/anything I can accomplish if only I didn't have to deal with these personal complexes and fear most of which I want to blame on my upbringing.

I am a completely selfish and prideful person. But before you judge me, at least I am doing something about it. And I feel that most people could never handle what I am going through to try to fix that within me. Not to be existential, but if only more people would quit their complaining and do something their lives would be much better and they would be much better people. All the crying and pain that I have been dealing with the last few weeks has been worth it and I know that I will be a much better person after it all.

I do not know what else to say; I think I got most of it out that was on the tip of my brain, but I also know that there is much more in there. This is only a semi-ranting about my life. As selfish as it is, I am only trying to be honest, so do not try to judge me. If you really think I am wrong, tell me. And then I can prove you wrong, but at least we can have a serious and honest conversation.

There will be more posts like this, I am sure.

For more info, check out Radical Honesty or an interview of the guy by AJ Jacobs.

For Survival

The human body and the emotional state of man tries to push past certain emotional and ideological blocks in life. It is our new trials for survival of the fittest with completely new rules. Completely new desires. Completely new outcomes.

With our few human desires: first love, second I don’t know, that first one is all that I have deduced to have true meaning. The other desires tend to branch off the first. These desires are completed through different relationships, all which are human and therefore flawed. The flaws in each of our relationships stem from our own lack of human decision making which lately, I have personally seen fallen completely apart all too often. In all of this, we look to grow and survive from our own human emotion and anger at ourselves. Especially it exasperates itself when it is pushed up in your face after a long absence by trying to deal with it separately. New feelings, emotions, struggles fall upon you as you realize the full capacity of what you have lost and where your decisions have brought you. When consequences move from a ideological standpoint to an actual and emotional one.

When these consequences arise, we all deal with them differently. As any being, we look to lessen the pain. An outlet for our feelings. As I try to get rid of the emotions and think straight, these desires for an outlet mount and the emotions take over. I sit back, look for an outlet, look for some way to alleviate the pain at my own stupidity.

And I honestly laughed at myself today -- not that it is a new thing -- but at the way I was trying to go about doing this. I had a few options: continue in my feeling sorry for myself and at my stupid decisions; move on and just continue trying to block the emotions; or jump ahead, prove to everybody that I am better than everybody while denying the emotions. None of these were practical, none of these would actually work. This stupid idea made me think I needed to make all this money so I could instead move on and move up in the world. My own stupidity decides that money will fix things. I can’t do that. Money will not do anything. It will only move myself from one place to another with the same person. I need to fix me. I need to change myself. As high school kids turn into college kids turn into kids with careers with their own kids, nothing changes with the person unless they do something to grow up. Nothing changes except the surroundings and the circumstances.

So here I continue alone with my hopes and dreams and funny stupid ideas. It will finish out, and I know it will be better. You tend to go where you are looking, so I will keep looking to where I need to be. This boy to man thing is really draining.

"Mistakes of Ambition"

In this blizzard of life with consequences, emotions, fears, and more flying all around me I am only trying to find a way to grow up.

As I try more and more and harder and harder to become the person I feel I should be, more problems arise and weaknesses show themselves. And without any one really teaching me or showing me, I am lost in my own path groping around for direction and ideas. Machiavelli in The Prince wrote "All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer." [emphasis mine]

I have no clue what I am doing, I just know that I need to be doing. So I am not running in order to go faster, but to run longer and run further. I am truly sorry for everyone I hurt along the way, I feel bad because of how I have been hurt, but this is not about me. It is not my intention. It is only my fallacies as a human without any direction or mentor. As I look to certain people, I try to grasp some idea of being a man and this month has given me clarity without distractions around me. I have found some direction and maturity, and I have seen that I'll be needing more of it.

So here I continue on, so much going on, but I will keep going, because I would rather make mistakes of ambition. Life will go on, and I refuse to be stagnant where I am.

Have caffeine, will write

As I sit here in Peet's, I've eaten a brownie (I try to resist, but I can't) and sipped on two shots (I don't resist, they're cheap). But the more time I spend here, the less I accomplish. There is so much to do, so much time.

It has been almost two weeks since I have cut myself off music, movies, etc., and it has been refreshing yet debilitating. As productive as it can be, the productive juices have since stopped flowing. Not to say I had a lot before, but I cannot think. This is somewhat a good thing considering all the thoughts running through my head constantly. My to-do list is completed quickly, but I cannot think of more to add. So many things are in my goal/future column, but all the stuff preceding that have been cleared out of my head. With only one blog post previously this month shows how much hasn't been on my mind.

To look on the positive side, my thought life (if there is such a thing) has been completely revamped. Instead of perusing floating emotions and ideas and everything moving in and out of my mind, I finally stopped the clutter and focus on a topic until it ends. Come to a conclusion and quit wasting my time and stress on it. Also, my focus has been able to reap a few rewards. Homework is done quickly. Time is less pressed. My to-do list is cleared. My mind is less cluttered. And my conscience is less desensitized (ie. movies). But I have not decided what I want to do with it. Songs are so embedded so deep in my head that I can't not have them running through my head. It refuses to stop. My alarm will inhibit my mind all morning as mental chewing gum.

Also, as a positive, I am starting on my photography business. Continually I am pushing myself to find new things and go out and just shoot. So much in the photographic business world has opened up. So many ideas, procedures, possibilities. And it only costs money to start. But what do I have to lose. I am tired of spinning my tires and dragging my feet. This is going to start. It will be something. I am doubtful it will make my millions, but we will work on that later. I need more creative juices for that all to start.

The last month of the year

As I further myself from continuing the blog each day, I get less and less used to it.

I just deleted a long post that really came out to nothing; it was complete crap.

So instead, I will tell you my plans for December, which I do not know why, or why I should tell you all.

First, I am not listening to music at home, in the car, or anywhere where I don't need it. Basically, only when I am working at Peet's and need to silence the noise around me. Otherwise, I am trying to silence all the noise that I keep running all the time. Already I have less distractions and more focus on my thoughts.

Second, I am not watching TV or movies unless it is with a group of people. I don't want to be the lame guy who isn't watching TV for no reason and stops everybody else from doing it. I have just decided that when I am alone, it is more of a distraction than any type of help. Once again, I have already realized how much it kills any productivity and grabs my interest without any type of reward. It is just a waste.

Third, the only thing I am going to buy is Christmas presents for other people. I do not need anything. I never do. I just want things. So unless it is food or other staples of my existence [that sounds philosophical, what exactly are staples of existence?] I am going to keep from buying it until after this year.

Fourth, the thing that started this idea of cutting back from the distractions, is the time I spend at Barnes & Nobles with the magazines. From design to architecture to photography to style, all magazines are created as information to sell. There is a ton of good information in them, and that is the main reason I read them. But until after Christmas (since that is when they'll have the new one's anyway) I am choosing not to look at any magazines. Most of this stems from the fact that most magazines are filled more with ads than articles, and magazines ads are many times more productive at selling than TV and radio and all other types of advertising. I will still be spending time at Barnes & Noble, but so far, I have started two different books, and I am learning to speed read. It is quite easy.

That is all. Hopefully this will help me out and answer a few questions I have about myself.