As I look around and think of who I want to become, I realize who is already there and so far ahead of me and I get depressed and upset. Sometimes I can block that out of my mind in order to push on to try to conquer and grow, but not always. It is not easy to push on every day in spite of all the negative feedback and feelings that come with opposition. With all the self-help books and blogs and articles that I have read, I feel like I have a better edge on the guy next to me, but that is not certain. Besides, life isn't about just beating the guy next to you, because there will always be someone better. That is life.
So instead of getting upset, I started thinking about what I have learned with all the advice I have read. I have done all the reading for you so it can be put into short little bullet points. So for anything that you want to do, and haven't yet, here it is:
1. Stop procrastinating. There is no reason for you to put it off.
2. Find the worst that could happen if you didn't do it. Trust me, they are not that bad.
3. Ask for advice, but second-guess anyone who will say not to do it. Are they really knowledgeable enough to say no? Why are they saying no? If they say yes, then just do it.
4. Break it down into smaller, bite-size pieces. If it is something that will be long-term, break it down in to short-term goals. If it is a large project, break it into smaller pieces that you can work on independently of each other.
5. Start. "Many a misstep was made by standing still." The kinks will work themselves out and problems will come up, but if you don't start, you won't find out, and only stop yourself because of the fear of them.
6. Quit wasting time. Quit procrastinating. Just start.
That is it. I should write a book. Actually, I'll probably remember five more things in about an hour, but whatever. At least I started. I can fix them later.
But this is my point: we are not all the same, everybody else is better than you in some way. But it does not have to be like that. If you decide to be beaten, then you will always be the loser. Now is the time. The ball is in your court. What are you gonna do today?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Where are my thoughts?
Les Schwab is a boring place to hang out at. Especially when it is costing this much. Also when it might take three hours and the tv is turned to soap operas. Not my idea of a great afternoon. But it is a necessary date here by myself.
But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).
My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.
But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).
My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am the Perfect Man
The day was going quite well. When things are good you tend to feel good about yourself. So as I was driving to an appointment to start on my financial freedom. I was trying to give some good advice to a friend. I am currently mentoring a few of my good high school kids at my youth group. Reaching out to witness to a good friend. I have quite a good group of friends, most of which I would feel confident asking for real help. I am athletic and in shape. My hair looked good, face shaved. My outfit was comfortable and also looked good. Form and functionable. I am working on my companies. On investing. On investing in myself and becoming a better person. Things are good with me, to be honest.
And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."
For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.
I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.
But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.
How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.
And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."
For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.
I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.
But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.
How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.
Definition of Inspiration
What does it take? What creates that feeling to be creative? How is it that I look for inspiration but it isn't found, it just comes or it doesn't?
Was it the sunrise I saw?
Was it that feeling? that emotion?
Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?
Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.
So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.
Was it the sunrise I saw?
Was it that feeling? that emotion?
Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?
Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.
So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Life is a Journey. Enjoy it.
As I sit in Peet's pondering the acts of life and trying to think of my goals for the year and aspirations of life (and the conversation of those around me, and the afternoon as I see it, and the meaning of my last blog, and the future of this blog, and everything else...), I continue to surf the world wide web in lieu of these and find a few gems that change my thinking.
I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.
I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.
Life: create-you-own. reject all others.
We have this image to uphold. Who told us that this is who we need to be? There is this underlying feeling most of us have to be or become something worth something. But why is there such a large gap or a large misconception of what we should be? I understand those two options are completely different and seemingly unrelated, but I will get to that. My point is why can we not "be all that we can be" without joining the Army or something.
Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.
But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.
[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]
Now I digress.
My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.
Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.
But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.
[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]
Now I digress.
My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Contentment with Complacency
Maybe because it just is not me. Maybe because I hate it in my own life and cannot quite find the that contentment with myself.
When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.
When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Parade of Facades
Why do we hide? Why do we live with these masks? And I am not talking about just protecting the ugliness we have inside, I am talking about the jems and the personality we have inside each of us. The real you. Why do we always attempt to entertain, please, or control peoples' perception of what we think we should be? Why can we not sit down and be real?
Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].
I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.
We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.
Quit hiding.
Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].
I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.
We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.
Quit hiding.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Finding Trust and Love in an Externally Driven Physical World
Love/Hate. Together/Broken. Trust/Fear. Beauty/Unattractive.
With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.
But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?
This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.
To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.
With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.
But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?
This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.
To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Another Year, A New Day
There is no use in making resolutions. I personally despise all that lazy people that clog up the gyms for the first two or three months of the year because they feel this will be different than the last 5 years. But that is not the point, it actually ruins my own quasi-resolutions I have already started.
Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]
But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.
While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.
-------------
I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.
So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.
This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.
Happy New Year.
Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]
But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.
While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.
-------------
I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.
So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.
This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."
This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.
Happy New Year.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I'd rather be thinking
To be honest, I do not want to write. There is so much on my mind that it cannot be canned into a simple and stupid blog. But of course, when can it?
So to give you a pass at my mind, I have been thinking about permanence. So much of our lives these days... [Okay, that's right, I am trying to be honest and take responsibility] So much of my life consists of jumping from one temporary thing to the next. Example: temporary jobs, school and classes which I can drop or skip, apartments on 6 month to one year lease, and plans with friends that can be scrapped if something better comes up. No joke, that is the life I live in and what I have been used to.
But now what about permanence? I have been thinking of something more like a permanent tattoo, a 30 year mortgage (temporary, true, but temporary for 30 years is practically permanent in my mind), and marriage. When my friends get married and the main thing they freak out about is "Is she/he the one?" As these options come closer and I have to think about it, I am finally okay with that. It freaks me out a little because it is growing up, but honestly it means I am just willing to stand behind my decisions. My word means something to me. Should making plans with friends keep me responsible to follow through? Of course. But it is not the end of the world if not. What about the rest of the major decisions? What if a house becomes a bad decision? What if a relationship turns into a bad marriage? What if my bet to go all in turns out wrong? Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all(?).
New subject. As I come out of this trial that I have got myself into, I feel so relieved that for once, I pushed through and did not give up. In maybe a sinful way, I am proud of myself (another area to work on). But it makes me happy to see the progress. And I truly am looking for the next thing coming. I am sure I am not ready for it, but I am actually looking for ways to overstretch myself and see what I can take. Who knows what might happen, but I have realized quite a few places that need serious work (pride, selfishness, communication, truly loving other people, what it means to "love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your might," et cetera).
Another update, this whole radical honesty thing has been an interesting journey. Not as easy as you think, because in a lot of ways it can be rude and selfish what you are thinking. But it has let me be more honest with myself and be more honest with my own feelings. So it is a step in the right direction, but I have not jumped all in with everything. I can't yet. Even though it does not require permanence, it does require commitment.
Except for that, I am fed up with so much of the horrible lies and facades people live with every day. It is suffocating. It is lies and I truly wish people could be honest and cut through the crap that hold us back from our full potential. It is the honesty that is so painful that we choose to lie. It is so frustrating for each of us to desire to be the best versions of ourselves but to have every person lie to you in order to save face. That is my current frustration.
And those are my current thoughts.
I am going to go back to my thoughts.
So to give you a pass at my mind, I have been thinking about permanence. So much of our lives these days... [Okay, that's right, I am trying to be honest and take responsibility] So much of my life consists of jumping from one temporary thing to the next. Example: temporary jobs, school and classes which I can drop or skip, apartments on 6 month to one year lease, and plans with friends that can be scrapped if something better comes up. No joke, that is the life I live in and what I have been used to.
But now what about permanence? I have been thinking of something more like a permanent tattoo, a 30 year mortgage (temporary, true, but temporary for 30 years is practically permanent in my mind), and marriage. When my friends get married and the main thing they freak out about is "Is she/he the one?" As these options come closer and I have to think about it, I am finally okay with that. It freaks me out a little because it is growing up, but honestly it means I am just willing to stand behind my decisions. My word means something to me. Should making plans with friends keep me responsible to follow through? Of course. But it is not the end of the world if not. What about the rest of the major decisions? What if a house becomes a bad decision? What if a relationship turns into a bad marriage? What if my bet to go all in turns out wrong? Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all(?).
New subject. As I come out of this trial that I have got myself into, I feel so relieved that for once, I pushed through and did not give up. In maybe a sinful way, I am proud of myself (another area to work on). But it makes me happy to see the progress. And I truly am looking for the next thing coming. I am sure I am not ready for it, but I am actually looking for ways to overstretch myself and see what I can take. Who knows what might happen, but I have realized quite a few places that need serious work (pride, selfishness, communication, truly loving other people, what it means to "love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your might," et cetera).
Another update, this whole radical honesty thing has been an interesting journey. Not as easy as you think, because in a lot of ways it can be rude and selfish what you are thinking. But it has let me be more honest with myself and be more honest with my own feelings. So it is a step in the right direction, but I have not jumped all in with everything. I can't yet. Even though it does not require permanence, it does require commitment.
Except for that, I am fed up with so much of the horrible lies and facades people live with every day. It is suffocating. It is lies and I truly wish people could be honest and cut through the crap that hold us back from our full potential. It is the honesty that is so painful that we choose to lie. It is so frustrating for each of us to desire to be the best versions of ourselves but to have every person lie to you in order to save face. That is my current frustration.
And those are my current thoughts.
I am going to go back to my thoughts.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
To be honest
What would happen if we (or selfishly: I) never lied again in my life? Isn't that my Christian duty? Then why do we -- especially as Christians -- skirt around that issue? What if I was completely honest with every person that I deal with every day. I know that right now I would hurt a lot of feelings.
To start, I am really depressed. I am upset at the world for a million reasons. I don't want to deal with people or their drama. I really just want people to care about me.
My parents are stressing me out. I have never liked Christmas mainly for this reason. At least my sisters are cool even though I don't feel like I am anything like them. We just share blood and the same family struggles.
I want to work things out with this girl, but I feel that she despises me currently for a few reasons which I can't completely blame her. But she is not making things easy and I am stressing out because I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her again, and I know that is always a possibility.
To stay on that topic, here at Peet's, I noticed the girl working here, the girl sitting behind me, the two girls in front of me, the girl (I think) trying to work things out with her boyfriend (who looked like a douche) and the two or three other semi-attractive girls that have walked in. But honestly, I would not want at all to be with any of these girls, I just want to feel attractive and feel important by talking to them and having them interested in me. I feel slightly prideful and selfish about that. Okay, quite a bit prideful.
I hate that 85%+ of my sentences start with "I..." and most every blog is completely about me. I wish I was a better writer and people would want to read this because it is a great literary piece -- which it is not. I wish most every thought I had was not about trying to fix things with myself but rather to care and love those around me. But what should I expect when I feel completely alone and that no one gives a ........ about me? Just feelings, right?
I am so glad that this is Christmas break and that I don't have to deal with school because it is a waste of time and I am way smarter than most of the people there and I should be able to do whatever I want/anything I can accomplish if only I didn't have to deal with these personal complexes and fear most of which I want to blame on my upbringing.
I am a completely selfish and prideful person. But before you judge me, at least I am doing something about it. And I feel that most people could never handle what I am going through to try to fix that within me. Not to be existential, but if only more people would quit their complaining and do something their lives would be much better and they would be much better people. All the crying and pain that I have been dealing with the last few weeks has been worth it and I know that I will be a much better person after it all.
I do not know what else to say; I think I got most of it out that was on the tip of my brain, but I also know that there is much more in there. This is only a semi-ranting about my life. As selfish as it is, I am only trying to be honest, so do not try to judge me. If you really think I am wrong, tell me. And then I can prove you wrong, but at least we can have a serious and honest conversation.
There will be more posts like this, I am sure.
For more info, check out Radical Honesty or an interview of the guy by AJ Jacobs.
To start, I am really depressed. I am upset at the world for a million reasons. I don't want to deal with people or their drama. I really just want people to care about me.
My parents are stressing me out. I have never liked Christmas mainly for this reason. At least my sisters are cool even though I don't feel like I am anything like them. We just share blood and the same family struggles.
I want to work things out with this girl, but I feel that she despises me currently for a few reasons which I can't completely blame her. But she is not making things easy and I am stressing out because I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her again, and I know that is always a possibility.
To stay on that topic, here at Peet's, I noticed the girl working here, the girl sitting behind me, the two girls in front of me, the girl (I think) trying to work things out with her boyfriend (who looked like a douche) and the two or three other semi-attractive girls that have walked in. But honestly, I would not want at all to be with any of these girls, I just want to feel attractive and feel important by talking to them and having them interested in me. I feel slightly prideful and selfish about that. Okay, quite a bit prideful.
I hate that 85%+ of my sentences start with "I..." and most every blog is completely about me. I wish I was a better writer and people would want to read this because it is a great literary piece -- which it is not. I wish most every thought I had was not about trying to fix things with myself but rather to care and love those around me. But what should I expect when I feel completely alone and that no one gives a ........ about me? Just feelings, right?
I am so glad that this is Christmas break and that I don't have to deal with school because it is a waste of time and I am way smarter than most of the people there and I should be able to do whatever I want/anything I can accomplish if only I didn't have to deal with these personal complexes and fear most of which I want to blame on my upbringing.
I am a completely selfish and prideful person. But before you judge me, at least I am doing something about it. And I feel that most people could never handle what I am going through to try to fix that within me. Not to be existential, but if only more people would quit their complaining and do something their lives would be much better and they would be much better people. All the crying and pain that I have been dealing with the last few weeks has been worth it and I know that I will be a much better person after it all.
I do not know what else to say; I think I got most of it out that was on the tip of my brain, but I also know that there is much more in there. This is only a semi-ranting about my life. As selfish as it is, I am only trying to be honest, so do not try to judge me. If you really think I am wrong, tell me. And then I can prove you wrong, but at least we can have a serious and honest conversation.
There will be more posts like this, I am sure.
For more info, check out Radical Honesty or an interview of the guy by AJ Jacobs.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
For Survival
The human body and the emotional state of man tries to push past certain emotional and ideological blocks in life. It is our new trials for survival of the fittest with completely new rules. Completely new desires. Completely new outcomes.
With our few human desires: first love, second I don’t know, that first one is all that I have deduced to have true meaning. The other desires tend to branch off the first. These desires are completed through different relationships, all which are human and therefore flawed. The flaws in each of our relationships stem from our own lack of human decision making which lately, I have personally seen fallen completely apart all too often. In all of this, we look to grow and survive from our own human emotion and anger at ourselves. Especially it exasperates itself when it is pushed up in your face after a long absence by trying to deal with it separately. New feelings, emotions, struggles fall upon you as you realize the full capacity of what you have lost and where your decisions have brought you. When consequences move from a ideological standpoint to an actual and emotional one.
When these consequences arise, we all deal with them differently. As any being, we look to lessen the pain. An outlet for our feelings. As I try to get rid of the emotions and think straight, these desires for an outlet mount and the emotions take over. I sit back, look for an outlet, look for some way to alleviate the pain at my own stupidity.
And I honestly laughed at myself today -- not that it is a new thing -- but at the way I was trying to go about doing this. I had a few options: continue in my feeling sorry for myself and at my stupid decisions; move on and just continue trying to block the emotions; or jump ahead, prove to everybody that I am better than everybody while denying the emotions. None of these were practical, none of these would actually work. This stupid idea made me think I needed to make all this money so I could instead move on and move up in the world. My own stupidity decides that money will fix things. I can’t do that. Money will not do anything. It will only move myself from one place to another with the same person. I need to fix me. I need to change myself. As high school kids turn into college kids turn into kids with careers with their own kids, nothing changes with the person unless they do something to grow up. Nothing changes except the surroundings and the circumstances.
So here I continue alone with my hopes and dreams and funny stupid ideas. It will finish out, and I know it will be better. You tend to go where you are looking, so I will keep looking to where I need to be. This boy to man thing is really draining.
With our few human desires: first love, second I don’t know, that first one is all that I have deduced to have true meaning. The other desires tend to branch off the first. These desires are completed through different relationships, all which are human and therefore flawed. The flaws in each of our relationships stem from our own lack of human decision making which lately, I have personally seen fallen completely apart all too often. In all of this, we look to grow and survive from our own human emotion and anger at ourselves. Especially it exasperates itself when it is pushed up in your face after a long absence by trying to deal with it separately. New feelings, emotions, struggles fall upon you as you realize the full capacity of what you have lost and where your decisions have brought you. When consequences move from a ideological standpoint to an actual and emotional one.
When these consequences arise, we all deal with them differently. As any being, we look to lessen the pain. An outlet for our feelings. As I try to get rid of the emotions and think straight, these desires for an outlet mount and the emotions take over. I sit back, look for an outlet, look for some way to alleviate the pain at my own stupidity.
And I honestly laughed at myself today -- not that it is a new thing -- but at the way I was trying to go about doing this. I had a few options: continue in my feeling sorry for myself and at my stupid decisions; move on and just continue trying to block the emotions; or jump ahead, prove to everybody that I am better than everybody while denying the emotions. None of these were practical, none of these would actually work. This stupid idea made me think I needed to make all this money so I could instead move on and move up in the world. My own stupidity decides that money will fix things. I can’t do that. Money will not do anything. It will only move myself from one place to another with the same person. I need to fix me. I need to change myself. As high school kids turn into college kids turn into kids with careers with their own kids, nothing changes with the person unless they do something to grow up. Nothing changes except the surroundings and the circumstances.
So here I continue alone with my hopes and dreams and funny stupid ideas. It will finish out, and I know it will be better. You tend to go where you are looking, so I will keep looking to where I need to be. This boy to man thing is really draining.
Monday, December 15, 2008
"Mistakes of Ambition"
In this blizzard of life with consequences, emotions, fears, and more flying all around me I am only trying to find a way to grow up.
As I try more and more and harder and harder to become the person I feel I should be, more problems arise and weaknesses show themselves. And without any one really teaching me or showing me, I am lost in my own path groping around for direction and ideas. Machiavelli in The Prince wrote "All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer." [emphasis mine]
I have no clue what I am doing, I just know that I need to be doing. So I am not running in order to go faster, but to run longer and run further. I am truly sorry for everyone I hurt along the way, I feel bad because of how I have been hurt, but this is not about me. It is not my intention. It is only my fallacies as a human without any direction or mentor. As I look to certain people, I try to grasp some idea of being a man and this month has given me clarity without distractions around me. I have found some direction and maturity, and I have seen that I'll be needing more of it.
So here I continue on, so much going on, but I will keep going, because I would rather make mistakes of ambition. Life will go on, and I refuse to be stagnant where I am.
As I try more and more and harder and harder to become the person I feel I should be, more problems arise and weaknesses show themselves. And without any one really teaching me or showing me, I am lost in my own path groping around for direction and ideas. Machiavelli in The Prince wrote "All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistakes of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer." [emphasis mine]
I have no clue what I am doing, I just know that I need to be doing. So I am not running in order to go faster, but to run longer and run further. I am truly sorry for everyone I hurt along the way, I feel bad because of how I have been hurt, but this is not about me. It is not my intention. It is only my fallacies as a human without any direction or mentor. As I look to certain people, I try to grasp some idea of being a man and this month has given me clarity without distractions around me. I have found some direction and maturity, and I have seen that I'll be needing more of it.
So here I continue on, so much going on, but I will keep going, because I would rather make mistakes of ambition. Life will go on, and I refuse to be stagnant where I am.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Have caffeine, will write
As I sit here in Peet's, I've eaten a brownie (I try to resist, but I can't) and sipped on two shots (I don't resist, they're cheap). But the more time I spend here, the less I accomplish. There is so much to do, so much time.
It has been almost two weeks since I have cut myself off music, movies, etc., and it has been refreshing yet debilitating. As productive as it can be, the productive juices have since stopped flowing. Not to say I had a lot before, but I cannot think. This is somewhat a good thing considering all the thoughts running through my head constantly. My to-do list is completed quickly, but I cannot think of more to add. So many things are in my goal/future column, but all the stuff preceding that have been cleared out of my head. With only one blog post previously this month shows how much hasn't been on my mind.
To look on the positive side, my thought life (if there is such a thing) has been completely revamped. Instead of perusing floating emotions and ideas and everything moving in and out of my mind, I finally stopped the clutter and focus on a topic until it ends. Come to a conclusion and quit wasting my time and stress on it. Also, my focus has been able to reap a few rewards. Homework is done quickly. Time is less pressed. My to-do list is cleared. My mind is less cluttered. And my conscience is less desensitized (ie. movies). But I have not decided what I want to do with it. Songs are so embedded so deep in my head that I can't not have them running through my head. It refuses to stop. My alarm will inhibit my mind all morning as mental chewing gum.
Also, as a positive, I am starting on my photography business. Continually I am pushing myself to find new things and go out and just shoot. So much in the photographic business world has opened up. So many ideas, procedures, possibilities. And it only costs money to start. But what do I have to lose. I am tired of spinning my tires and dragging my feet. This is going to start. It will be something. I am doubtful it will make my millions, but we will work on that later. I need more creative juices for that all to start.
It has been almost two weeks since I have cut myself off music, movies, etc., and it has been refreshing yet debilitating. As productive as it can be, the productive juices have since stopped flowing. Not to say I had a lot before, but I cannot think. This is somewhat a good thing considering all the thoughts running through my head constantly. My to-do list is completed quickly, but I cannot think of more to add. So many things are in my goal/future column, but all the stuff preceding that have been cleared out of my head. With only one blog post previously this month shows how much hasn't been on my mind.
To look on the positive side, my thought life (if there is such a thing) has been completely revamped. Instead of perusing floating emotions and ideas and everything moving in and out of my mind, I finally stopped the clutter and focus on a topic until it ends. Come to a conclusion and quit wasting my time and stress on it. Also, my focus has been able to reap a few rewards. Homework is done quickly. Time is less pressed. My to-do list is cleared. My mind is less cluttered. And my conscience is less desensitized (ie. movies). But I have not decided what I want to do with it. Songs are so embedded so deep in my head that I can't not have them running through my head. It refuses to stop. My alarm will inhibit my mind all morning as mental chewing gum.
Also, as a positive, I am starting on my photography business. Continually I am pushing myself to find new things and go out and just shoot. So much in the photographic business world has opened up. So many ideas, procedures, possibilities. And it only costs money to start. But what do I have to lose. I am tired of spinning my tires and dragging my feet. This is going to start. It will be something. I am doubtful it will make my millions, but we will work on that later. I need more creative juices for that all to start.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The last month of the year
As I further myself from continuing the blog each day, I get less and less used to it.
I just deleted a long post that really came out to nothing; it was complete crap.
So instead, I will tell you my plans for December, which I do not know why, or why I should tell you all.
First, I am not listening to music at home, in the car, or anywhere where I don't need it. Basically, only when I am working at Peet's and need to silence the noise around me. Otherwise, I am trying to silence all the noise that I keep running all the time. Already I have less distractions and more focus on my thoughts.
Second, I am not watching TV or movies unless it is with a group of people. I don't want to be the lame guy who isn't watching TV for no reason and stops everybody else from doing it. I have just decided that when I am alone, it is more of a distraction than any type of help. Once again, I have already realized how much it kills any productivity and grabs my interest without any type of reward. It is just a waste.
Third, the only thing I am going to buy is Christmas presents for other people. I do not need anything. I never do. I just want things. So unless it is food or other staples of my existence [that sounds philosophical, what exactly are staples of existence?] I am going to keep from buying it until after this year.
Fourth, the thing that started this idea of cutting back from the distractions, is the time I spend at Barnes & Nobles with the magazines. From design to architecture to photography to style, all magazines are created as information to sell. There is a ton of good information in them, and that is the main reason I read them. But until after Christmas (since that is when they'll have the new one's anyway) I am choosing not to look at any magazines. Most of this stems from the fact that most magazines are filled more with ads than articles, and magazines ads are many times more productive at selling than TV and radio and all other types of advertising. I will still be spending time at Barnes & Noble, but so far, I have started two different books, and I am learning to speed read. It is quite easy.
That is all. Hopefully this will help me out and answer a few questions I have about myself.
I just deleted a long post that really came out to nothing; it was complete crap.
So instead, I will tell you my plans for December, which I do not know why, or why I should tell you all.
First, I am not listening to music at home, in the car, or anywhere where I don't need it. Basically, only when I am working at Peet's and need to silence the noise around me. Otherwise, I am trying to silence all the noise that I keep running all the time. Already I have less distractions and more focus on my thoughts.
Second, I am not watching TV or movies unless it is with a group of people. I don't want to be the lame guy who isn't watching TV for no reason and stops everybody else from doing it. I have just decided that when I am alone, it is more of a distraction than any type of help. Once again, I have already realized how much it kills any productivity and grabs my interest without any type of reward. It is just a waste.
Third, the only thing I am going to buy is Christmas presents for other people. I do not need anything. I never do. I just want things. So unless it is food or other staples of my existence [that sounds philosophical, what exactly are staples of existence?] I am going to keep from buying it until after this year.
Fourth, the thing that started this idea of cutting back from the distractions, is the time I spend at Barnes & Nobles with the magazines. From design to architecture to photography to style, all magazines are created as information to sell. There is a ton of good information in them, and that is the main reason I read them. But until after Christmas (since that is when they'll have the new one's anyway) I am choosing not to look at any magazines. Most of this stems from the fact that most magazines are filled more with ads than articles, and magazines ads are many times more productive at selling than TV and radio and all other types of advertising. I will still be spending time at Barnes & Noble, but so far, I have started two different books, and I am learning to speed read. It is quite easy.
That is all. Hopefully this will help me out and answer a few questions I have about myself.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Mindful Wanderings on a Sunny Day
It was too nice outside to be in. But there was too little time for a run or ride or anything else I would normally do. So I just walked outside without a coat or a plan. It was kind of freeing. No pressure. I had 45 minutes until one of my friends came over. Time to kill.
There was nothing on my mind. Correction: there was a million things in my mind, but nothing to think about. To focus my energy on. So I just walked.
I found myself again at peet's. Outside, cross-legged, in a chair on the patio. Again, there was nothing to dwell on. I slightly felt purposeless, but I let that thought pass as well. I just thought about the people, the conversations, the memories, here at this table and just around.
Is this the story, the timeline being written about life? Here on Sunday morning with the world in front of me. What is my next move? What is happening next?
Who knows. But I have another twenty minutes to sit here in the sun. I'll think about it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
As Time Goes By
Counting time by how many 2-hour internet passes at Peet's coffee, puts into perspective all that I have been trying to accomplish. Focusing on what is most important and effective attempts to train yourself to work smarter as well as harder. To be honest, I think I have spent more than 17 hours over the last week. I never thought I would be a coffee shop rat, but since I get so much more accomplished here than at home, I justify the $2.15 I spend for two shots of espresso with a packet of raw sugar.
As I try to focus on the unending amount of information I am trying to glean from the internet and books, these 17+ hours have taught me more than this whole term at PSU costing more than $2500 not including lost time working and travel costs. It amazes me that we as a civilization are still trapped in this cycle of college teachers pretending to know what they are talking about when all they need is to be re-hired. Maybe I am just upset that I am getting what I pay for and really need just something more than Portland. My dreams are too big for my city. And not in any pretensious way, but I really want to conquer the world. And I feel more suppressed by the institutionalized education system than liberated. All this, plus the whole holiday season (that I have never really enjoyed) and the impending cold, impending weather, and shorter days (not to add my recent failures as a man) have put me back into this funk that I have been fighting all fall. It is another season that has dampened the great excitement of the summer. It really is just a smack of reality after a season of optimism. Here is where the rubber meets the road (to use the cliche) and we must reorganize our lives and priorities in order to continue on in a realistic manner.
You realize quickly who your friends are and who you consider as friends. You prioritize much differently. And important things are rearranged in your schedule. It is an important excercise that awkwardly happens annually. How can we continue on without being slaves to this system? How can we control it without it controlling us? Or is it even possible? Or is it really the best since we must take inventory of our thought again as a systematic task.
Maybe I am overthinking. or maybe overworking. I hope not, because I really want to be something bigger than myself and accomplish something that means more to me than myself. Freedom is really all that everybody wants in life. I am not an exception. I just do not want to be average.
As I try to focus on the unending amount of information I am trying to glean from the internet and books, these 17+ hours have taught me more than this whole term at PSU costing more than $2500 not including lost time working and travel costs. It amazes me that we as a civilization are still trapped in this cycle of college teachers pretending to know what they are talking about when all they need is to be re-hired. Maybe I am just upset that I am getting what I pay for and really need just something more than Portland. My dreams are too big for my city. And not in any pretensious way, but I really want to conquer the world. And I feel more suppressed by the institutionalized education system than liberated. All this, plus the whole holiday season (that I have never really enjoyed) and the impending cold, impending weather, and shorter days (not to add my recent failures as a man) have put me back into this funk that I have been fighting all fall. It is another season that has dampened the great excitement of the summer. It really is just a smack of reality after a season of optimism. Here is where the rubber meets the road (to use the cliche) and we must reorganize our lives and priorities in order to continue on in a realistic manner.
You realize quickly who your friends are and who you consider as friends. You prioritize much differently. And important things are rearranged in your schedule. It is an important excercise that awkwardly happens annually. How can we continue on without being slaves to this system? How can we control it without it controlling us? Or is it even possible? Or is it really the best since we must take inventory of our thought again as a systematic task.
Maybe I am overthinking. or maybe overworking. I hope not, because I really want to be something bigger than myself and accomplish something that means more to me than myself. Freedom is really all that everybody wants in life. I am not an exception. I just do not want to be average.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Boy A
Rarely does a movie choose you while you choose a movie. Rarely does a movie hit you so powerfully without you realizing it until you nearly cry at the end because of its relation to you. All I looked for was a good movie. Something that was worth my time, and this one barely beat out There Will Be Blood, only because it was shorter.
As it started, I thought of the unrealism and the lack of necessary items that usually make me dislike most movies. But for some reason, I immediately told myself that movies, especially independent films, are meant for the hypothetical purpose, not as much for the great plot, story, acting, realism, etc. This captivating story of this boy becoming a man shows a distinct line between who we are and who we want to be. But the problem is that we cannot disconnect the two.
I spent the day alone. It was quite interesting. I have not done that in a while. I went to church, late, went to Peet's, saw some people, then did a few errands and whatever afterwards. There were few and short conversations over phone and stuff, but nothing in person. But as this position I am in continually grows in oposition towards me, I try to keep my footing, control my thoughts, and keep my vision. My mind is scattered as I try to keep it that way.
The truth is told. Your past catches up with the present. The past never changes, it only changes who you are. The people in your past try to change, but their actions never do. I help work with kids, all we want is love. All we want is hope and a future.
Where do you go, when all you're going to is away?
As it started, I thought of the unrealism and the lack of necessary items that usually make me dislike most movies. But for some reason, I immediately told myself that movies, especially independent films, are meant for the hypothetical purpose, not as much for the great plot, story, acting, realism, etc. This captivating story of this boy becoming a man shows a distinct line between who we are and who we want to be. But the problem is that we cannot disconnect the two.
I spent the day alone. It was quite interesting. I have not done that in a while. I went to church, late, went to Peet's, saw some people, then did a few errands and whatever afterwards. There were few and short conversations over phone and stuff, but nothing in person. But as this position I am in continually grows in oposition towards me, I try to keep my footing, control my thoughts, and keep my vision. My mind is scattered as I try to keep it that way.
The truth is told. Your past catches up with the present. The past never changes, it only changes who you are. The people in your past try to change, but their actions never do. I help work with kids, all we want is love. All we want is hope and a future.
Where do you go, when all you're going to is away?
Now
As I come off this seasonal high and get hit in the face with a reality and my own stupidity, these desires for happiness turn back into desires for meaning. There is a huge difference. As I sit in Peet's coffee for the last 3 hours, I pore over the many aspects of my life that are conducted over business, research, and life on the internet and my computer. From social networking to craigslist to google and wikipedia. This is where I am content spending my time since there is no one at home or anything really to do on a sunny yet cold Sunday afternoon.
As the evening crew (and regular customers) rotates to the other familiar faces, I look for my exit, my reason to leave. Why does it need to be philosophical? Why can it not be a simple reason to switch activities and audience? I am looking for something. Something worthwhile that can captivate my attention, not just entertain it. As I watch a customer struggle with the creamer and all the condiment options, I think first, that I am entertained by it, and second, that it is so easy to get frustrated with the little things in life that seem to make the simplicities of life unnecessarily frustrating.
Also, I watch and converse with the many previous Starbucks customers that I know, and I also talk to the new people I know from here and try to find something that relates (yes, philosophical again). I realize that there will always be new people to fill the voids where the old left. But only to a degree. As a photograph freezes that time and feeling from an old experience, so did those old friends have a nostalgic way of remembering younger times in life. Growth is measured relative to the past. You hope to be a better person than the day before. This is not always so, but it is the goal. And as I fight through the feelings and accept the consequences of my regression from progression, I try to be mature and respect those who are harmed by my actions. I try to be constructive and find the positive, do what I can do, and take a hit as I move on. Progress.
What is the next step? I have no clue. I have some desires. Some ideas and possibilities, but nothing quite feels right. I cannot deny the emotions nor do I want to. I want to take this anger at myself and funnel it into something that accelerates my learning. This one step back means that I have to run faster than before. It has made me stronger. I am not grown up, but I am older and hopefully better than yesterday. So even though I sit here in a coffee shop imagining what I would like to do, I have the knowledge that those desires will become reality. I have the ability to move on and keep this momentum going. The emotions will soon become secondary and I will find the direction again. The new direction towards meaning.
As the evening crew (and regular customers) rotates to the other familiar faces, I look for my exit, my reason to leave. Why does it need to be philosophical? Why can it not be a simple reason to switch activities and audience? I am looking for something. Something worthwhile that can captivate my attention, not just entertain it. As I watch a customer struggle with the creamer and all the condiment options, I think first, that I am entertained by it, and second, that it is so easy to get frustrated with the little things in life that seem to make the simplicities of life unnecessarily frustrating.
Also, I watch and converse with the many previous Starbucks customers that I know, and I also talk to the new people I know from here and try to find something that relates (yes, philosophical again). I realize that there will always be new people to fill the voids where the old left. But only to a degree. As a photograph freezes that time and feeling from an old experience, so did those old friends have a nostalgic way of remembering younger times in life. Growth is measured relative to the past. You hope to be a better person than the day before. This is not always so, but it is the goal. And as I fight through the feelings and accept the consequences of my regression from progression, I try to be mature and respect those who are harmed by my actions. I try to be constructive and find the positive, do what I can do, and take a hit as I move on. Progress.
What is the next step? I have no clue. I have some desires. Some ideas and possibilities, but nothing quite feels right. I cannot deny the emotions nor do I want to. I want to take this anger at myself and funnel it into something that accelerates my learning. This one step back means that I have to run faster than before. It has made me stronger. I am not grown up, but I am older and hopefully better than yesterday. So even though I sit here in a coffee shop imagining what I would like to do, I have the knowledge that those desires will become reality. I have the ability to move on and keep this momentum going. The emotions will soon become secondary and I will find the direction again. The new direction towards meaning.
