I am the Perfect Man

The day was going quite well. When things are good you tend to feel good about yourself. So as I was driving to an appointment to start on my financial freedom. I was trying to give some good advice to a friend. I am currently mentoring a few of my good high school kids at my youth group. Reaching out to witness to a good friend. I have quite a good group of friends, most of which I would feel confident asking for real help. I am athletic and in shape. My hair looked good, face shaved. My outfit was comfortable and also looked good. Form and functionable. I am working on my companies. On investing. On investing in myself and becoming a better person. Things are good with me, to be honest.

And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."

For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.

I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.

But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.

How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.