I'd rather be thinking

To be honest, I do not want to write. There is so much on my mind that it cannot be canned into a simple and stupid blog. But of course, when can it?

So to give you a pass at my mind, I have been thinking about permanence. So much of our lives these days... [Okay, that's right, I am trying to be honest and take responsibility] So much of my life consists of jumping from one temporary thing to the next. Example: temporary jobs, school and classes which I can drop or skip, apartments on 6 month to one year lease, and plans with friends that can be scrapped if something better comes up. No joke, that is the life I live in and what I have been used to.

But now what about permanence? I have been thinking of something more like a permanent tattoo, a 30 year mortgage (temporary, true, but temporary for 30 years is practically permanent in my mind), and marriage. When my friends get married and the main thing they freak out about is "Is she/he the one?" As these options come closer and I have to think about it, I am finally okay with that. It freaks me out a little because it is growing up, but honestly it means I am just willing to stand behind my decisions. My word means something to me. Should making plans with friends keep me responsible to follow through? Of course. But it is not the end of the world if not. What about the rest of the major decisions? What if a house becomes a bad decision? What if a relationship turns into a bad marriage? What if my bet to go all in turns out wrong? Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all(?).

New subject. As I come out of this trial that I have got myself into, I feel so relieved that for once, I pushed through and did not give up. In maybe a sinful way, I am proud of myself (another area to work on). But it makes me happy to see the progress. And I truly am looking for the next thing coming. I am sure I am not ready for it, but I am actually looking for ways to overstretch myself and see what I can take. Who knows what might happen, but I have realized quite a few places that need serious work (pride, selfishness, communication, truly loving other people, what it means to "love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your might," et cetera).

Another update, this whole radical honesty thing has been an interesting journey. Not as easy as you think, because in a lot of ways it can be rude and selfish what you are thinking. But it has let me be more honest with myself and be more honest with my own feelings. So it is a step in the right direction, but I have not jumped all in with everything. I can't yet. Even though it does not require permanence, it does require commitment.

Except for that, I am fed up with so much of the horrible lies and facades people live with every day. It is suffocating. It is lies and I truly wish people could be honest and cut through the crap that hold us back from our full potential. It is the honesty that is so painful that we choose to lie. It is so frustrating for each of us to desire to be the best versions of ourselves but to have every person lie to you in order to save face. That is my current frustration.

And those are my current thoughts.
I am going to go back to my thoughts.