To be honest

What would happen if we (or selfishly: I) never lied again in my life? Isn't that my Christian duty? Then why do we -- especially as Christians -- skirt around that issue? What if I was completely honest with every person that I deal with every day. I know that right now I would hurt a lot of feelings.

To start, I am really depressed. I am upset at the world for a million reasons. I don't want to deal with people or their drama. I really just want people to care about me.

My parents are stressing me out. I have never liked Christmas mainly for this reason. At least my sisters are cool even though I don't feel like I am anything like them. We just share blood and the same family struggles.

I want to work things out with this girl, but I feel that she despises me currently for a few reasons which I can't completely blame her. But she is not making things easy and I am stressing out because I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't want to hurt her again, and I know that is always a possibility.

To stay on that topic, here at Peet's, I noticed the girl working here, the girl sitting behind me, the two girls in front of me, the girl (I think) trying to work things out with her boyfriend (who looked like a douche) and the two or three other semi-attractive girls that have walked in. But honestly, I would not want at all to be with any of these girls, I just want to feel attractive and feel important by talking to them and having them interested in me. I feel slightly prideful and selfish about that. Okay, quite a bit prideful.

I hate that 85%+ of my sentences start with "I..." and most every blog is completely about me. I wish I was a better writer and people would want to read this because it is a great literary piece -- which it is not. I wish most every thought I had was not about trying to fix things with myself but rather to care and love those around me. But what should I expect when I feel completely alone and that no one gives a ........ about me? Just feelings, right?

I am so glad that this is Christmas break and that I don't have to deal with school because it is a waste of time and I am way smarter than most of the people there and I should be able to do whatever I want/anything I can accomplish if only I didn't have to deal with these personal complexes and fear most of which I want to blame on my upbringing.

I am a completely selfish and prideful person. But before you judge me, at least I am doing something about it. And I feel that most people could never handle what I am going through to try to fix that within me. Not to be existential, but if only more people would quit their complaining and do something their lives would be much better and they would be much better people. All the crying and pain that I have been dealing with the last few weeks has been worth it and I know that I will be a much better person after it all.

I do not know what else to say; I think I got most of it out that was on the tip of my brain, but I also know that there is much more in there. This is only a semi-ranting about my life. As selfish as it is, I am only trying to be honest, so do not try to judge me. If you really think I am wrong, tell me. And then I can prove you wrong, but at least we can have a serious and honest conversation.

There will be more posts like this, I am sure.

For more info, check out Radical Honesty or an interview of the guy by AJ Jacobs.