Now

As I come off this seasonal high and get hit in the face with a reality and my own stupidity, these desires for happiness turn back into desires for meaning. There is a huge difference. As I sit in Peet's coffee for the last 3 hours, I pore over the many aspects of my life that are conducted over business, research, and life on the internet and my computer. From social networking to craigslist to google and wikipedia. This is where I am content spending my time since there is no one at home or anything really to do on a sunny yet cold Sunday afternoon.

As the evening crew (and regular customers) rotates to the other familiar faces, I look for my exit, my reason to leave. Why does it need to be philosophical? Why can it not be a simple reason to switch activities and audience? I am looking for something. Something worthwhile that can captivate my attention, not just entertain it. As I watch a customer struggle with the creamer and all the condiment options, I think first, that I am entertained by it, and second, that it is so easy to get frustrated with the little things in life that seem to make the simplicities of life unnecessarily frustrating.

Also, I watch and converse with the many previous Starbucks customers that I know, and I also talk to the new people I know from here and try to find something that relates (yes, philosophical again). I realize that there will always be new people to fill the voids where the old left. But only to a degree. As a photograph freezes that time and feeling from an old experience, so did those old friends have a nostalgic way of remembering younger times in life. Growth is measured relative to the past. You hope to be a better person than the day before. This is not always so, but it is the goal. And as I fight through the feelings and accept the consequences of my regression from progression, I try to be mature and respect those who are harmed by my actions. I try to be constructive and find the positive, do what I can do, and take a hit as I move on. Progress.

What is the next step? I have no clue. I have some desires. Some ideas and possibilities, but nothing quite feels right. I cannot deny the emotions nor do I want to. I want to take this anger at myself and funnel it into something that accelerates my learning. This one step back means that I have to run faster than before. It has made me stronger. I am not grown up, but I am older and hopefully better than yesterday. So even though I sit here in a coffee shop imagining what I would like to do, I have the knowledge that those desires will become reality. I have the ability to move on and keep this momentum going. The emotions will soon become secondary and I will find the direction again. The new direction towards meaning.