Staring at Stupidity

I sit here in disgust with myself. I can only think about my amazing failures directly in front of me. I cannot justify it, although I want to. I cannot accept it, because I am stupid. And I cannot correct it, because it is past due. The truth stares at me. The reality of the consequences glare me down.

As easy as it is to look down on those around me, as I have all day, how ironic that it turns around on me. Building myself up as I stand on others, puts more pain in my heart because I forget to look at who I am standing on. I felt so smart. I felt so wise. I felt so much better than I have in a long time. Now it crashes down on myself as a foolish misstep in my journey of life. My mind wants to go off on how livid I am with myself, but I try to contain my sanity; to claim this maturity that has done me so well. *sarcasm.*

Although it hurts me that I have done no better than the people I despise have done to me, I want to be better. I need to be better than that. I have to prove to myself that I am better, because I have proved to those closest to me that I am not. Where do I go from here? Right now I go nowhere. Right now I wallow in my own foolish and stupid actions. There is not another choice. I accept the guilt, and wish I could fix it, but the way to reconcile is not apparent right now. Instead I take the frustration, the anger and disappointment and attempt to channel it into something worthwhile. Push myself because of my failures. In spite of my failures. Because I know I will continue to fail, only I hope... I don't know what I hope for. I hate myself right now, and the truly stupid things that I do.