The Death Test

How many times have you heard this: "if you knew you only had a few years to live, what would you do, what would you change?" How many youth leaders, motivational speakers, movies and books have dwelled on this? What about one year to live? Six months? One month? One week? One hour?

What would you do?

If life was reprioritized for you, wouldn't you be more productive and specific in each choice you made? Shouldn't you live like that now since you do not know how long you will live, and if you do it will help your priorities?

Absolutely not! I try to set my state of mind and reprioritize my life again and suddenly realize the absurdities of this idea to live each day as your last. Are you serious? It is stupid to believe you could do more by believing you are living less.

Let me explain myself. First, you should live like there is a tomorrow. Quit stressing about what you are not getting done. Focus on one or a few things. Life will go on. Second, there are consequences to what you choose. What you do today, you will live with forever, so choose wisely. And plan accordingly, third. You will go nowhere in life, if you do not have a destination. Once you have that destination, work backwards to smaller destinations and then translate them into to do lists to be done today.

But quit wasting time. Because you do not have a lot of it.

The Pursuit of Happyness

What is happiness? What does it mean and how is it implemented? How do you live a happy life? To some it is a state-of-mind. To some it is chemical balance. To some it is spiritual or emotional states. And to some it is a psychological contentment. And each explanation has some weight. There are theories and ideas that make sense to the average person and right now I am trying to sort some of them out.

Is happiness just the absence of its opposite? For me, I cannot agree that happiness is a life without stress, pain, and struggles. That just sounds boring. But maybe it is that, only more basic. What if it is life without complaints, without hate, and without anxiety. Maybe average joe can enjoy life by ignoring the small struggles in life (although I hate the idea of the book Don't sweat the small stuff, because the small stuff can add up quickly).

As I continue on in one of the most stressful months of my life, I cannot deny the emotional anxiety that is continually ruining my happiness. I cannot push it out no matter how hard I try. As I seek this sense of balance so that I can just simply think straight, my body fights away from it, telling me I need something else. All of its options I know do not correct the problem, they only prolong the time. This fight, this struggle continues on from morning til my dreams. No answer and no one to talk to. Everyone can relate in some way, but no one really understands. No one is here. No one is in my shoes.

But that is not the problem. Because it is the same for every other person as well. I must persevere to find that joy as much as the next person. How can I push through? I know there is an answer. But I do not think it will be as easy as I think it should, nor will it be as complicated as I am guessing. It is more than denying. It is more than receiving. It is more than this life has. It is more than what I think it should be. But I know it is there.

If you want a trip, check out Daniel Craig. He has some interesting thoughts on happiness. Enjoy


[what does that even mean? Enjoy?]

Lent

Lent was never something I knew even existed. I had not heard of the word until after high school. Maybe it was just something none of the people close to me held as worthwhile, but the idea of it could be quite powerful. I have fasted from different things multiple times without real reason, but more for the experience or trying to get through something. Now I want to fast for a more spiritual reason of getting the important things realigned.

But what do I fast from? I see the obvious selfish things that it could turn into: dieting and exercise, sleeping more, not spending money on certain foods, and a bunch of other things that could take away from the purpose of spiritual growth and Christian living (which I know is extremely vague, but it is because there is so much that can be put into those two terms).

So currently, I am thinking of certain entertainment and spending money, eating out, buying stupid things, getting on a set eating schedule to not indulge in certain foods, drinking only water, getting up early, reading a few books I have been putting off, hanging out with some friends I have become distant with, etc. But that is where I am at. I really want to fast from something while growing spiritually and stimulating my mind. I want to "discipline my body." So we shall see where it goes. Stay tuned.

Switch

So I was quite frustrated the last few days (ha ha, more like weeks), but it feels as if I have gotten past that. But I think instead of quitting my blog, and instead of starting a Twitter (which was an idea), I think instead this blog will become a shorter, more up-to-the-date thought life through my head. Mostly, I am not a attention-hungry teenager (yes, I am aware of how many I's I have used already), and I am not an amazing writer that can make a living off his rhetoric. Instead, this is an experiment in honest, blatant living. This is not for anyone else, so honestly, I would rather you not read it. I don't care. If you have feedback, please let me know. If you comment, let me know who you are. Otherwise, read it, take it as it is: my thoughts. I don't expect anything from this, so neither should you. Not to be rude, just honest.

The inspiration of the day

Sometimes I just need inspiration. I need something to spark a thought together. The same way a leader or hero gathers people together, my thoughts need aligning to come together as a complete thought, a complete story.

And maybe that is it. Maybe that is the story and the reason. All leaders also need someone to follow. They need a hero. A role model. The thoughts come together and make sense as I grope around in this life looking for some direction. A bit of a director could have been helpful to this point.

And like that, the pieces fall together to form a picture. I see it in my head, and could write it out on paper, but I feel held back. It is probably for the best, but as the story in my head is dying to get out, the same story is best left unsaid. One thing I am learning is when to speak and when to shut up. I am not good at either. I usually shut up. But right now, that is best. As frustrating as it is, I need to leave that battle for another week, the last few weeks have been battles enough within myself. Today is the first day I can stand all day and look forward to the next.

But what of inspiration and leadership? I am still looking, but I know it is there, and I need look more. Until then, I am not sure. I am debating killing my blog and writing completely for myself. There I can completely express myself without judgment. Here I go again, searching for safety. But maybe it is not safety, but protection.

A New Leaf

Or some lame analogy like that. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Life is change.

What is it? How am I getting past it? I have no clue. My mind is continually filled with questions and answers trying to navigate this life and come out on the other side successfully. What does successful even look like?

Once again I have more time to myself, nothing I would have picked, but it just happened. Out of the blue. So I have been trying to fill the time, fill my mind, fill the void. But it continues: the emptiness. That feeling. That strange unwelcomed feeling of space and time [sounds scientific, but it isn't]. I try to blame or explain the new expanse of time, but I cannot. It just happened. Maybe I had wanted it, maybe I had not. But I was trying so hard not to bring it back, I was just really trying for balance in it all. But it couldn't be. There were too many variables, too many things vying for the same limited time and space in my mind and heart.

What were those variables? Who cares? It does not matter. The time is back, and it is here to stay. It has to. I can't go back without it. I would like to, but I've tried too many times, tried too hard. This time always wins. This expanse of emptiness has found its way back in, back to create the void. Since the void has come back, I have been searching for random things to feed its craving, satisfy its wants, create fillers for this time that again rules my life. Maybe it is time to clean up and clear my head, try to move on.

But that takes time. I don't want time.

I am starting again

Here goes again. Just around the corner seems to be this motherlode for my final push into something. It is a sink-or-swim that I have been struggling in. Allowing myself to either wallow or drown, imagining that I am forcing myself stronger, but I don't need to fight when I can stand in the shallow end. Life has become simple yet complex all in the same week. With a few things I see how easy it could be and realize the distance I need to run, but readying myself for it. But as soon as I start, I allow the complexity of it all to beat me down. I am about to push back as soon as I find myself again. As soon as I start fighting smarter instead of pushing back on the stupid wall that will get me nowhere.

I realize the lameness of this post, and I really do not care. Once again in my life, I have to start where I am at. This isn't where I will stay. Life and time will carry on with or without me. Part of me just hopes and prays that I will keep up, but whatever happens will be what happens. Trying to push off stress and the people that frustrate me is just another losing battle. I am stopping to smell the roses for once. I won't stay long. There are more important things to do.

The drive and desire have slowed down for a little bit, but they will be back soon. I am out there searching for them. It won't be long.

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily" - Napoleon

Only a week-and-a-half late

And there goes another post to the trash.

So I take role again. What am I trying to say? Is it really important enough to post? Or am I still trying to figure it out in my head before I post it to the world? Who am I kidding. I post these for myself as a window into my life. I do not care who reads it. If you decide to look, then fine, but I have tried writing for others before and it did not work as I like. So here goes.

What am I doing here? I know I have drive and such, but once again I see where I am lacking and where I come up short. Again I am having to reprioritize and focus on the things I want to accomplish.

But that brings another question. What do I really want to accomplish, and why? [I am honestly tired of typing question marks. fun fact] What is the importance to the questions I am asking? I heard someone comment on the question of what is the purpose of life, and his take was that it is one of the most stupid, ambiguous and vague questions in the world. No wonder people cannot answer it. Why should we take it seriously? Who cares? It is not important. But then what is the question we should be asking? Whatever it is, it needs to be answerable. That is what I am working on right now. Quit wasting time on stupid things and focus on what I want to do today.

I sit here, again for the millionth time thinking the same things and getting somewhere but in reality it is nowhere. My life has been chasing its tail expecting to find something once it is caught, but where does it lead? It just turns circles while justifying that at least I am getting exercise.

These last few weeks of horrendous stress have left me at a loss for words and strength. I will be happy when these few things have passed and I can again think straight, start searching again for the purpose of life [sarcasm] and find traction. But I have realized that in this whole goal of being a better person will only get me better than the next guy. What is the true goal? What is it that I really want? Maybe I can be specific and instead list out what I could change. Be a better person there, but this ideal is a complete lie in reality. I need to focus, once again.

The stress of life

I hate having to delete a complete post because it was crap. But hopefully there will be a replacement soon. The thoughts are about to explode if they do not somehow escape soon.

Success or Failure

After fighting the internal struggles my whole life, I see which ones keep coming up and which are easily corrected. As new ones start and old ones continue, I naturally fight for a way to disperse the emotions connected with them. Sometimes after failing the same way, the same times, over and over, I try to defer the pain of being a failure. Although I understand the prioritization of major to minor failures, I still see some major ones surfacing through my entire life.

When these failures jump back into the front seat every now and then I see the drive within myself for success and monetary gain. I know and understand the imbalance between the two being that having money will not cover the broken relationships or the inability I have to fix some things with other people or myself. But the conclusion is this: in order to defer the feeling of failure, I need to fight for success somewhere else. When I cannot fix the failure in one place, I search for a place where I can find success, namely monetary gain and success in life. I look at what the world constitutes as success and strive for that so that I might be able to get past the failure I feel that is most important or closest to me. Somehow my mind feels they can replace or negate each other. In my heart I know this is not true, but intellectually I feel the more wins will overlook the number of losses. Life is not a numbers game, but somehow I look to improve my win-loss percentage rather than go back and spend the time to rewrite/fix the losses in my life. The emotional pain that has been or must be endured due to my failures as a person, as a human being, does not seem to outweigh the time and money necessary if I can instead just start fresh.

If only I could just start fresh and forget or get past all the drudge that seems to drive my desire for success.

All men are not created equal

As I look around and think of who I want to become, I realize who is already there and so far ahead of me and I get depressed and upset. Sometimes I can block that out of my mind in order to push on to try to conquer and grow, but not always. It is not easy to push on every day in spite of all the negative feedback and feelings that come with opposition. With all the self-help books and blogs and articles that I have read, I feel like I have a better edge on the guy next to me, but that is not certain. Besides, life isn't about just beating the guy next to you, because there will always be someone better. That is life.

So instead of getting upset, I started thinking about what I have learned with all the advice I have read. I have done all the reading for you so it can be put into short little bullet points. So for anything that you want to do, and haven't yet, here it is:

1. Stop procrastinating. There is no reason for you to put it off.
2. Find the worst that could happen if you didn't do it. Trust me, they are not that bad.
3. Ask for advice, but second-guess anyone who will say not to do it. Are they really knowledgeable enough to say no? Why are they saying no? If they say yes, then just do it.
4. Break it down into smaller, bite-size pieces. If it is something that will be long-term, break it down in to short-term goals. If it is a large project, break it into smaller pieces that you can work on independently of each other.
5. Start. "Many a misstep was made by standing still." The kinks will work themselves out and problems will come up, but if you don't start, you won't find out, and only stop yourself because of the fear of them.
6. Quit wasting time. Quit procrastinating. Just start.

That is it. I should write a book. Actually, I'll probably remember five more things in about an hour, but whatever. At least I started. I can fix them later.

But this is my point: we are not all the same, everybody else is better than you in some way. But it does not have to be like that. If you decide to be beaten, then you will always be the loser. Now is the time. The ball is in your court. What are you gonna do today?

Where are my thoughts?

Les Schwab is a boring place to hang out at. Especially when it is costing this much. Also when it might take three hours and the tv is turned to soap operas. Not my idea of a great afternoon. But it is a necessary date here by myself.

But I am thinking back trying to focus on what is going on. And the truth is that so much is going on, but where am I thinking? To a degree, I think I have pulled back into my shell a little bit. That transparency has been too much. For that reason, I have gotten a couple notebooks and I hope to grab my thoughts as they come out (what a funny image).

My mind has been tired. It has been stressed from the school and life that I have been working through all that and the creative juices have stopped. I need some new inspirations. Something will shock the system. I do not know what that will be, but I feel it is on the brink. The choices and decisions to keep moving forward, to keep things growing have kept me learning, but we will see where that heads to now. Until then I will try to keep writing about where my thoughts have been. Up until now, they have not been worth publishing.

I am the Perfect Man

The day was going quite well. When things are good you tend to feel good about yourself. So as I was driving to an appointment to start on my financial freedom. I was trying to give some good advice to a friend. I am currently mentoring a few of my good high school kids at my youth group. Reaching out to witness to a good friend. I have quite a good group of friends, most of which I would feel confident asking for real help. I am athletic and in shape. My hair looked good, face shaved. My outfit was comfortable and also looked good. Form and functionable. I am working on my companies. On investing. On investing in myself and becoming a better person. Things are good with me, to be honest.

And then the thought came. You know it is not true, but in the current atmosphere it works. For some reason I let it in: "right now, I am perfect."

For a second I let it sit. I hold it in my thought like a warm coal. It's like savoring the sugar on a sour candy before it turns. Like tasting the velvety smoothness of milk before you realize it's past age. Like trying the first sip of a cheap wine before it leaves its bitter, cheap after taste.

I stop. Nearly sitting up in my chair as I am driving. What am I thinking?! How can I let something like that into my head? Why do I even play with that idea? I know the honest truth, and even this last week has been a myriad of events to show all that needs to be fixed and improved. Then I almost start laughing at myself. The audacity within me to fester this pride and total idolatry of myself. By now my whole being has become prejudice against that thought. The laughing stock of humanity and honesty.

But I let it go, running from this now hostile environment within my mind. I look back and think about it. What just happened? This quick drama in the emotions of my mind. This creeping insecurity seeking safety. These thoughts are based on the relative meanderings of comparability. It is a joke when you truly think about it. But the truth is that it is there, and it was allowed in. It is a desire we all have, but the outcome is not feasible and my distance to it is getting further each day with all that I realize about myself. Although to be honest, the thought is still allowed, and still grasped, even if for a moment.

How often do we seek out these thoughts and these feelings as a security blanket to keep us warm if but for a moment. The reality is so far from that thought, but the truth is we can feel it for a quick moment. And we allow the conceit if it is masked as an achieved goal. This trojan horse sneaks in under the guise of confidence and being able to "Know Thyself." But this time I am putting the mask of my facade by myself and starting to hide my real self with these lies from pride and selfishness. It is almost comedic how we play with this fire, actually expecting not to get burned. Someday I hope not to be so naive. But not today, because today, apparently, I feel perfect.

Definition of Inspiration

What does it take? What creates that feeling to be creative? How is it that I look for inspiration but it isn't found, it just comes or it doesn't?

Was it the sunrise I saw?

Was it that feeling? that emotion?

Was it the time I had to myself to think through things?

Most of my day I spend running things through my head, and a lot of my processing is as if I was blogging about it. The mental commentary, the story line of my life. But they come out in snippets. Small pieces of the whole thought. And then nothing.

So much still captures my thoughts. So much refuses to leave. Some are larger and more daunting yet most continually get pushed off until there is more time to deal with them. Time, once again has become a more delicate commodity, and that is a good thing. Too much will drown me in my thoughts, but too little will drown my thoughts. The balance between the two must be found. But what has been found are the positive consequences of my failing. Everything that has torn at me has come full circle and shown the purpose. The pain has turned to purpose, yet so much more to go. I feel stronger, smarter, wiser. But still so much holds me back. There are more battles to fight.

Life is a Journey. Enjoy it.

As I sit in Peet's pondering the acts of life and trying to think of my goals for the year and aspirations of life (and the conversation of those around me, and the afternoon as I see it, and the meaning of my last blog, and the future of this blog, and everything else...), I continue to surf the world wide web in lieu of these and find a few gems that change my thinking.

I will cut the clutter for all of you (the few of you that read this, thank you family and a few friends...). [once again, killing me the amount of times I've used "..." this post. I believe it's called an ellipsis. Actually I am sure, I just wikipedia'd it, but only because google did not help this time.] But, reality check: Life is a journey, so quit running. I heard once on a comedy show (about a bad joke ironically) that the expectation is always better than the actual event. That is so true. How much do you spend excited or worrying about something that will happen in the future? How many times did the "something" fulfill exactly what those feelings were expecting? I could bet with quite a bit of certainty that these times are few. How many relationships, birthdays/parties, speaches, books, movies/shows, trips, vacations, etc. actually live up to what they promised? First of all, quit worrying, and quit with putting expectations on people and things. It is only pre-judging. Instead enjoy the journey. Enjoy the effort you put into progressing to that point. That part is always longer and more intensive than the event itself. Life can only be more enjoyable and less dissapointing.

Life: create-you-own. reject all others.

We have this image to uphold. Who told us that this is who we need to be? There is this underlying feeling most of us have to be or become something worth something. But why is there such a large gap or a large misconception of what we should be? I understand those two options are completely different and seemingly unrelated, but I will get to that. My point is why can we not "be all that we can be" without joining the Army or something.

Let me get back on track. We all want to be something or someone whether it is a leader, a strong person, healthy/fit, successful, rich, funny, attractive, likeable, positive, responsible. Okay, maybe those are just some of mine, but I am sure some of you all would choose at least a few of those as well. But rather than acting like we have those, why is it so hard for people to accept what they do not have and put forth the effort to go after what they want. Why do we continue to lay around until we lose that option. So many people choose not to be rich or successful because they assume that it is unnatainable. So many people only excercize in January and February until they realize they are still fat and lazy and their loyalty to their New Year's resolution wears off. And without noticed results, they continue in their ways without improvement. The sick cycle continues.

But what is more, we deny the opportunity to excel, to progress and evolve into better people. We allow the fear and the obstacle of trials and work to keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves. The ruts of ourselves and who we have been told we are/should be, keep us in our comfortable state living semi-mediocre lives hoping the next best thing will somehow come by luckily and grace us with opportunity. Life doesn't work like that. We need to "grab life by the horns" and make our own tracks.

[seriously? all the plugs for other brands is killing me. What next? "Like a Rock"? "The best part of waking up"?]

Now I digress.

My point is this: we have power over our lives that no one around us has. We have the choice (maybe not the ability, but the choice to strengthen that ability) to filter the stereotypes and boundaries people give us and decide for ourselves who we want to be without pretending and without lying to those around us to create the persona they want us to be. Forget them. They have more issues than you do. Free yourself from living up to someone else's standards and create you own.

Contentment with Complacency

Maybe because it just is not me. Maybe because I hate it in my own life and cannot quite find the that contentment with myself.

When is it safe to be complacent? Why do people choose to stop and allow life to pass by? Steve Prefontaine said that "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."

Part of me wants to rant about people and their selfish laziness, but I cannot honestly and without guilt condemn that because I know I have been there and I know I have felt the same. But for some reason as I am now, I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself as possible. Maybe that is selfish pride, but at least I am doing something and progressing. I can either fight it by sitting down, or by standing up, and I choose to keep moving as long as I have the strength. "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."

I wonder if my own drive will turn complacent. I worry I will lose motivation. This week the stress of change nearly crippled me, but as I face it and fight against it the power crumbles and the fear disappears. This would not have been possible within the last few months, but if I continue to find the motivation to proceed and live not for myself but choose to truly love God and love those in my life, then I do not see a reason this progression could end. The only fear that continues is the knowledge of what lies between me and who I want to be. Up the hill, across the plain I see the bodies slain out and the emotions and demons that plague my life. The continuous fear and stress placed only secondary to the true fights and struggles that define my life have been losses in the past, but here is a new day, here is a new contestant. I see a fraction of the strength that I will need, I only hope that I reject the contentment of the progress and refuse to settle with what is given and fight for more, not in a selfish way, but in a way that decides to continue on, decides to never be complacent.

Parade of Facades

Why do we hide? Why do we live with these masks? And I am not talking about just protecting the ugliness we have inside, I am talking about the jems and the personality we have inside each of us. The real you. Why do we always attempt to entertain, please, or control peoples' perception of what we think we should be? Why can we not sit down and be real?

Part of friendship is based on trust and understanding the reality of the other friend. It is trying to care for other people in this careless world. Why do we continue to shield ourselves from the possibilities of that true friendship? I know the simple answer to that. I know about pain. I know about losing trust. I know about fear. And I know about searching for love and finding none. I know the answer to all of that, but can we still not try again? All of us? What if for once we could let down our guard and both of us actually try to be genuine and not vain: trying to seduce, succumb, or steal [no alliteration intended].

I am tired of the game. We know we all want to be loved and that comes with a certain amount of love given. Accept the fact that you are going to get hurt in all of this. No one ever said life would be easy. Grow up and accept that. Act like an adult long enough to see other people for who they are, not just who they act to be. Be real and they will feel the safety to be real as well. I know that I don't feel safe, but for once I am not concerned about me. I want to open up and accept people for who they are. And to be honest, I might not like you. You probably do not care, but if we are at least honest with each other we can cut the crap and quit wasting our time and our energy trying to pretend that we might be friends sometime. There have been a few people that I have really seen into and it amazes me at the beauty underneath, especially in spite of the "beauty" they are trying to display.

We all want to be loved, but when people fall in love with the display, it kills the true love.

Quit hiding.

Finding Trust and Love in an Externally Driven Physical World

Love/Hate. Together/Broken. Trust/Fear. Beauty/Unattractive.

With friends getting married, with people searching for love, with friends being alone and the future feeling ominous, I think a lot about this love and desire and attraction. As I talk with friends about external vs internal beauty and the disconnect we have between the two, it rings true since our culture is based on the outside image. The stimulating image. "Seeing is believing." "Love at first sight." When can we break this shallow cycle and look at the person and see their heart and their inner beauty.

But it begs the question, how? How can we look past the external after all these years of brainwashing in our modern advertising world? More and more, people are becoming less and less. We do not know how to communicate ourselves, so we focus on attracting by displaying. And when we realize the emptiness of the shell, the attraction ends. Game over. Again. Back to square one. The problem is I know I fall into this. I try to display, I desire to be attractive, internal and external. But what is the point? Why this desire?

This desire comes back to the desire for love. To be loved and feel loved. But I heard from a youth leader that more kids are so fearful they will live having loved only themselves.

To sum up and really try to be more honest and straightforward rather than vague and ponderous [if that is a word], I know and realize the shallowness of this game and the emptiness of this love but the reality of it in my life and how I live day to day desiring for selfish love but seeing through the emptiness and realizing what it is to truly love your neighbor as yourself. How does that really look? And what is it to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength [Mark 12:28ff, Matthew 22:36ff ]. I have not figured this out, but it is currently taking a huge chunk of my focus, so please give me your thoughts. Any would be helpful.

Another Year, A New Day

There is no use in making resolutions. I personally despise all that lazy people that clog up the gyms for the first two or three months of the year because they feel this will be different than the last 5 years. But that is not the point, it actually ruins my own quasi-resolutions I have already started.

Trying to remember what happened in 2008 is more of a chore than I imagined. It was a less memorable year than I would have expected, maybe since most of everything really happened in the last six months made it feel longer and more eventful than it should have. Or my standard for having a "good" year is skewed. Truly looking back I see more growth than events, and now I realize the genesis of this year is so different yet familiar. [yes, I feel smart because I used the word "genesis" in place of "beginning" and it was without a thesaurus. Now I just feel pretensious]

But to recap, the last few years have put me back at the exact same place with just a bunch of experiences and memories yet no major change. Now I go into this year without that same baggage and instead I have this new huge responsibility and delicate being in my hand which requires my attention and detailed focus. Along with the many other things on my mind and important in my life, this one trumps them all in the return and the chance to fix my shortcomings. The delicacy of life is not something to take lightly or for granted. And although my fears and personal feelings continue to throw thoughts against me, I know that my decision to press on will kill these thoughts and fears. Empowering.

While I still fight battles on other courts, they feel miniscule and I realize they will fall into place given time. Although their frustrations continue stronger than before, this break has given me time to refresh and stable myself for more.

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I feel as though I am dancing around a few things and being to vague as I try to think deeply into this whole new year stuff.

So much in this new year is just another day coming and going. But I feel like a completely new person ready to deal with it. For once I do not care about what is to happen, but just what I am going to do with it. I am not ready for the worse, but I will deal with it when it happens. Time will continue and it will pass. Although I feel that recently I have been cut down and taken back and as though I am unable to truly be honest on this one place where I can speak freely, it is taken for what it is worth, considered the source, compartmentalized, and continued living. I cannot focus on that and the people that understand me the least. I have never liked being told what to do or how to live my life, only a few people have my respect to the point of giving me that advice, so now I take the hit, review my own emotions and responses to the event and continue on.

This is a new year, but it is also just another year, another day, another morning, another evening. So the activities that I focus on from getting up and going to bed are the same as before. I want to continue with this momentum into this year, and what is with me will continue with me. Here the experiments of my life will continue to advance as I keep going. "Life is a journey, not a race." "Many a misstep was taken by standing still."

This is not the post I imagined when I started, but it cleared my mind of some of the thoughts and feelings as I start having to write 09 instead of 08.

Happy New Year.