Success or Failure

After fighting the internal struggles my whole life, I see which ones keep coming up and which are easily corrected. As new ones start and old ones continue, I naturally fight for a way to disperse the emotions connected with them. Sometimes after failing the same way, the same times, over and over, I try to defer the pain of being a failure. Although I understand the prioritization of major to minor failures, I still see some major ones surfacing through my entire life.

When these failures jump back into the front seat every now and then I see the drive within myself for success and monetary gain. I know and understand the imbalance between the two being that having money will not cover the broken relationships or the inability I have to fix some things with other people or myself. But the conclusion is this: in order to defer the feeling of failure, I need to fight for success somewhere else. When I cannot fix the failure in one place, I search for a place where I can find success, namely monetary gain and success in life. I look at what the world constitutes as success and strive for that so that I might be able to get past the failure I feel that is most important or closest to me. Somehow my mind feels they can replace or negate each other. In my heart I know this is not true, but intellectually I feel the more wins will overlook the number of losses. Life is not a numbers game, but somehow I look to improve my win-loss percentage rather than go back and spend the time to rewrite/fix the losses in my life. The emotional pain that has been or must be endured due to my failures as a person, as a human being, does not seem to outweigh the time and money necessary if I can instead just start fresh.

If only I could just start fresh and forget or get past all the drudge that seems to drive my desire for success.