A New Leaf

Or some lame analogy like that. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Life is change.

What is it? How am I getting past it? I have no clue. My mind is continually filled with questions and answers trying to navigate this life and come out on the other side successfully. What does successful even look like?

Once again I have more time to myself, nothing I would have picked, but it just happened. Out of the blue. So I have been trying to fill the time, fill my mind, fill the void. But it continues: the emptiness. That feeling. That strange unwelcomed feeling of space and time [sounds scientific, but it isn't]. I try to blame or explain the new expanse of time, but I cannot. It just happened. Maybe I had wanted it, maybe I had not. But I was trying so hard not to bring it back, I was just really trying for balance in it all. But it couldn't be. There were too many variables, too many things vying for the same limited time and space in my mind and heart.

What were those variables? Who cares? It does not matter. The time is back, and it is here to stay. It has to. I can't go back without it. I would like to, but I've tried too many times, tried too hard. This time always wins. This expanse of emptiness has found its way back in, back to create the void. Since the void has come back, I have been searching for random things to feed its craving, satisfy its wants, create fillers for this time that again rules my life. Maybe it is time to clean up and clear my head, try to move on.

But that takes time. I don't want time.