Extreme OCD

So paralyzed by fear. And it is fear which is unseated in anything meaningful. Obsessive compulsive people act out of irrational fears. We all have some irrational fears. And we all act out of some sense of fear. Fear and greed, they are the strongest motivators known to man. Some people have better control, yet some are completely controlled by them.

Today I saw a man who could not face the counter at the coffee shop. He decided to walk backwards the entire time and never looked at a single person. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen in real life. How do you get to that point? Where is his disconnect between his world and reality? What kind of thought process justifies such irrational behavior. I have had friends who must hit the button for the crosswalk a certain number of times, must wash their face a certain number of times, wash their hands in the restroom at least a certain number of times. Most of these are the are thanks to the marketing of cleaning product companies and overzealous news anchors. The foolish and extreme stories that are based on minor details and random facts to manufacture a story to sell to gullible people. They manufacture fear. And fearful people soak it up. It is why people are more afraid of the public bathroom than the public pool which has more excrements and is dirtier than most bathrooms.

But as I look into my own unsettled fear, what is causing irrational behavior for myself? What are my own irrational behaviors that are seated in unjustifiable fears? Why do I refuse to wear red, white, and blue in one outfit, even if it doesn't look patriotic or coordinated? Why do I sometimes fidget on my phone in order to feel productive or busy rather than sit there comfortably alone in the moment? Why do I clam up whenever I talk with attractive girls even if there is no reason to be afraid? Why do I focus so much on other peoples' thoughts and approval of my every move when I know it is impossible to satisfy them all? And why do I fear so much of my future that I usually refuse to risk it?

So much progress has been made on where I have been previously, but still so much remains left perfectly irrational (such an oxymoron). So this is the fight. This is the struggle between actions and fear-filled twisted logic. How would it even look if we could live without fear? in perfect rationality? What if each step we took would be perfectly purposeful and logical? Is that really what we should strive for? I do not think so, but just that ideal would be so many steps better than where we are. When will what we crave and desire actually match up with what we should (such a vague claim) and what is purposeful (such an subjective term)?

The worries of the Beach

What is it about the beach? The constant white noise of the waves crashing. The bright lights of the stars and moon illuminating only a few details. The cold sand under my feet. The warm breeze across the sand and my exposed skin. The grass whistling back and forth. Somehow the worries and thoughts of normal life just disappear. The struggles of money, life, relationships, and girls. All the stresses every day through my mind seem to melt away and I can enjoy the moment.

Maybe the white noise keeps my normal noise down. Maybe the light keeps my eyes on the environment at present. Maybe the solitude and soothing silence keeps the loneliness away. Maybe the cold sand and the warm breeze keeps me focused here and now at this time in life. Maybe the fresh air keeps the out the corporate ideal from entraping my entire being.

Whatever it is, I can be here and now and enjoy the peace. I can forget the life and struggles at home and grasp the peace and serenity of the moment.

The Thought

And then it hit me. Not like a brick, or a swift kick to the face. But more like a subtle "duh."

And there I was sitting. First just in my car, but it grew more as I sat in the book store. It is one day, then it is the next, then it is the next. And on and on until you cannot remember the last few days. I sit and I think and I dream, but that is where it stops. I need to go and do. I want to conquer. I want to be.

This, here and now will accomplish nothing. Why do I hold myself back? Why do I drag my feet? Why do I allow the struggles of each day keep me from accomplishing tomorrow? No more. I'm done with that.

Things are going to change.

Worse than Love

I can only think of one thing. This one act of will pushes past the normal pain into extreme. Feeling unloved is one thing. Knowing that few to no one cares can be so painful. But having to deny love is something else entirely. Being in a place where that need could be met, but realizing you are not here to merely meet needs. To try to forget what once was love, or something with its appearance. Not nearly to forget, but remember without the same feeling. To enjoy the taste without the presence.

All these similar feelings rush around like money in a game show. Only this time you cannot grab. The goal is to sit there and watch because you have been on this show before, and this money is not the true prize.

Hope again for another day. Another shot at it.

Me?

Why do I think so much of myself? Ironic question in itself. Counterproductive to its intended purpose as it is. Useless to gain it's own goal.

But what is my point? My point is that the harder you try to get away from yourself, the closer you get. Same goes for most everything. The more you try to leave it, the more it becomes a part of you, the more times you gravitate toward that moment, that emotion, that time, that person.

The act of the moving is counteracted by its opposite. Not a play on words but a fact of life. Maybe if we could only stop fighting? No. Maybe if we could only stop thinking? No again. The tail only turns us around if we choose to chase it. There are other leads to chase after.

Reality and Life

Thoughts jump from place to place without a care in the world. The music pumps through headphones keeping my mind distracted. The barista laughs. I cannot hear him, but you can see his joy without hearing. Life is funny when your head is trapped between speakers. I am happy here. Back and forth between reality and audio. One without the other and vice versa. An interesting perspective.

But what about the other perspectives? What am I missing? Am I choosing not to listen or feel or enjoy certain things in this reality we label as life? Because I know there is more to discover. Or should I just let go and live? Why do I need to think about this? Oh yeah, it is because my reality is currently trapped between two speakers and my laptop.

As I step back from that reality, I look around. First I look at the current reality. Then at the past reality we call memories. The music changes and snaps me back to the words flowing through my fingers. I was thinking of writing a simple honest post about the realities of life, but why bother? My reality is filtered through my biases and emotions. Those are changing. And quicker than I can keep up with. Instead I focus on what I am keeping up with and how to handle each thing in front of me. And for once I have been focusing on that. Honestly, it is not as exciting as it sounds, but I cannot complain much. Here I look at life and my perception of it, and I realize the importance of certain things and the unimportance of others. Then the next step is structure behaviors around those realizations. But easier said than done. We are creatures of habit. Our natural inclination is to stay in the ruts we have cut out for ourselves no matter how self-destructive. And, incidentally, without change and challenges, it is proven we lose IQ. We get dumber! Without life challenging us we become stupid.

It is not surprising. It makes sense since learning is not easy, but why then do we strive for the easy life? Why do we want the soft life when it actually is so detrimental so our own health and survival. All the latest struggles and challenges that have tried to kill me are only making me smarter. As much as I hate it, I am smarter than before. So I will continue. I will press on. That is the purpose of life. To not give up, to not get caught in your own small reality, but to stretch yourself. To fight on. The pain is temporary. But the gain can be monumental.

So to continue (and make you nearly bored of my lame writing ability), how do I deal with this? How do I throw off the false reality between the few inches between my cranium and a few more inches in front of my eyes? To be honest, I was not able to until life kicked me in the face enough times that I realized I had to kick back and take control. You cannot live life on cruise control. You will continue to run into things until you stop sleeping. (I learned that the hard way [joking reference to multiple car accidents])

And to continue on (since I have both caffeine and pain pills and good music flowing through my body I will keep going, not too sure if recommended, but whatever), life is too short to continue in the ruts you have dug for yourself. Certain attitudes and emotions are so immature and naive. They are ruts as well. Everything can be a rut if you allow it to take over your thinking. That is my biggest frustration. Reactions. I do not want better reactions, but faster thinking. I have not concluded anything, just thinking/writing out loud.

But what I have concluded is that I am done searching for the easy life. There is no point in life that things finally plateau. The longer you go, the higher you get, the steeper it becomes. But just like everything else, if you continue to fight, the easier it becomes. So do not give up. Keep fighting for what is worth fighting for. Otherwise, you can take the easy route; give up and let life win.

Freed Again

There is always healing after a swift kick in the face. That is the beauty of life. The ability to heal and grow and learn. And so I continue on, better than before. Stronger than I was. Closing that chapter and moving on. So freeing. So easy. So simple to just let go. If only I always realized this then there would be no problems. Nice thinking.

So as of now I promise not to look back. I learn in the moment and understand through the future. Life moves on, and there is no use to get caught up to try to catch up. I am here to look forward. If I continue to look behind, I will continue to run into the same things. [I thought that was a good saying]. And so here I go, looking up.

Once again...

Sometimes the day just does not turn as you thought. Things run along until you are shocked awake in some new way. And that is how it happened. It is also amazing how your mind fills in the blanks about the parts of life you don't have time to remember. Basically: things I cannot let go of; things that stay not because of I want them to, but I don't know how to continue on, I don't know if I want to, but I must.

Life moves on.
People moved on.
I can't.

So with another kick in the face, I get another dose of reality. It is a dose big enough to knock me off my feet, but just low enough not to put me out. But it is what I need. Things are moving so quickly, life is teaching so much, but once again I get lazy and slow. If things are not fast enough, things can always be faster, they can always be better. It is not that faster and better is what this life is about, but instead there is no reason to be slow and mediocre. What is the point? That turns into a boring life. Life offers more. Life is what you make of it.

Happiness must wait

I have been gone too long. The first blog back from a break is either great or crap. Today's was the latter. Better luck tomorrow.

Half thoughts

All day now I have been listening to talks and speeches by people much smarter than I am. Each has at one point done something to let them stand out in their field to know more than the rest. And with each exposition I understand their side, I relate to their examples and we connect in some metaphysical way.

Because of my lack of knowledge, I know I cannot refute or much dialog with them. We could have a good conversation because they are usually cool people, but from what I know and my own experiences in the world, I know that at least some of what they say is true. But how much of it?

I see their argument, their theory on this portion of life they work with. But that is all it is. When I stop and think, I see holes and things they assume or deny. Does that invalidate them? No. They are still standouts in their field for a reason. They know more than I do.

But this is not my point to figure out when to discount or believe people with credentials. My point is what do you do with opposing, believable ideas? How do you reconcile two thoughts each with faults and each with truths? Where do you put them? You cannot discount both or believe both.

The Death Test

How many times have you heard this: "if you knew you only had a few years to live, what would you do, what would you change?" How many youth leaders, motivational speakers, movies and books have dwelled on this? What about one year to live? Six months? One month? One week? One hour?

What would you do?

If life was reprioritized for you, wouldn't you be more productive and specific in each choice you made? Shouldn't you live like that now since you do not know how long you will live, and if you do it will help your priorities?

Absolutely not! I try to set my state of mind and reprioritize my life again and suddenly realize the absurdities of this idea to live each day as your last. Are you serious? It is stupid to believe you could do more by believing you are living less.

Let me explain myself. First, you should live like there is a tomorrow. Quit stressing about what you are not getting done. Focus on one or a few things. Life will go on. Second, there are consequences to what you choose. What you do today, you will live with forever, so choose wisely. And plan accordingly, third. You will go nowhere in life, if you do not have a destination. Once you have that destination, work backwards to smaller destinations and then translate them into to do lists to be done today.

But quit wasting time. Because you do not have a lot of it.

The Pursuit of Happyness

What is happiness? What does it mean and how is it implemented? How do you live a happy life? To some it is a state-of-mind. To some it is chemical balance. To some it is spiritual or emotional states. And to some it is a psychological contentment. And each explanation has some weight. There are theories and ideas that make sense to the average person and right now I am trying to sort some of them out.

Is happiness just the absence of its opposite? For me, I cannot agree that happiness is a life without stress, pain, and struggles. That just sounds boring. But maybe it is that, only more basic. What if it is life without complaints, without hate, and without anxiety. Maybe average joe can enjoy life by ignoring the small struggles in life (although I hate the idea of the book Don't sweat the small stuff, because the small stuff can add up quickly).

As I continue on in one of the most stressful months of my life, I cannot deny the emotional anxiety that is continually ruining my happiness. I cannot push it out no matter how hard I try. As I seek this sense of balance so that I can just simply think straight, my body fights away from it, telling me I need something else. All of its options I know do not correct the problem, they only prolong the time. This fight, this struggle continues on from morning til my dreams. No answer and no one to talk to. Everyone can relate in some way, but no one really understands. No one is here. No one is in my shoes.

But that is not the problem. Because it is the same for every other person as well. I must persevere to find that joy as much as the next person. How can I push through? I know there is an answer. But I do not think it will be as easy as I think it should, nor will it be as complicated as I am guessing. It is more than denying. It is more than receiving. It is more than this life has. It is more than what I think it should be. But I know it is there.

If you want a trip, check out Daniel Craig. He has some interesting thoughts on happiness. Enjoy


[what does that even mean? Enjoy?]

Lent

Lent was never something I knew even existed. I had not heard of the word until after high school. Maybe it was just something none of the people close to me held as worthwhile, but the idea of it could be quite powerful. I have fasted from different things multiple times without real reason, but more for the experience or trying to get through something. Now I want to fast for a more spiritual reason of getting the important things realigned.

But what do I fast from? I see the obvious selfish things that it could turn into: dieting and exercise, sleeping more, not spending money on certain foods, and a bunch of other things that could take away from the purpose of spiritual growth and Christian living (which I know is extremely vague, but it is because there is so much that can be put into those two terms).

So currently, I am thinking of certain entertainment and spending money, eating out, buying stupid things, getting on a set eating schedule to not indulge in certain foods, drinking only water, getting up early, reading a few books I have been putting off, hanging out with some friends I have become distant with, etc. But that is where I am at. I really want to fast from something while growing spiritually and stimulating my mind. I want to "discipline my body." So we shall see where it goes. Stay tuned.

Switch

So I was quite frustrated the last few days (ha ha, more like weeks), but it feels as if I have gotten past that. But I think instead of quitting my blog, and instead of starting a Twitter (which was an idea), I think instead this blog will become a shorter, more up-to-the-date thought life through my head. Mostly, I am not a attention-hungry teenager (yes, I am aware of how many I's I have used already), and I am not an amazing writer that can make a living off his rhetoric. Instead, this is an experiment in honest, blatant living. This is not for anyone else, so honestly, I would rather you not read it. I don't care. If you have feedback, please let me know. If you comment, let me know who you are. Otherwise, read it, take it as it is: my thoughts. I don't expect anything from this, so neither should you. Not to be rude, just honest.

The inspiration of the day

Sometimes I just need inspiration. I need something to spark a thought together. The same way a leader or hero gathers people together, my thoughts need aligning to come together as a complete thought, a complete story.

And maybe that is it. Maybe that is the story and the reason. All leaders also need someone to follow. They need a hero. A role model. The thoughts come together and make sense as I grope around in this life looking for some direction. A bit of a director could have been helpful to this point.

And like that, the pieces fall together to form a picture. I see it in my head, and could write it out on paper, but I feel held back. It is probably for the best, but as the story in my head is dying to get out, the same story is best left unsaid. One thing I am learning is when to speak and when to shut up. I am not good at either. I usually shut up. But right now, that is best. As frustrating as it is, I need to leave that battle for another week, the last few weeks have been battles enough within myself. Today is the first day I can stand all day and look forward to the next.

But what of inspiration and leadership? I am still looking, but I know it is there, and I need look more. Until then, I am not sure. I am debating killing my blog and writing completely for myself. There I can completely express myself without judgment. Here I go again, searching for safety. But maybe it is not safety, but protection.

A New Leaf

Or some lame analogy like that. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Life is change.

What is it? How am I getting past it? I have no clue. My mind is continually filled with questions and answers trying to navigate this life and come out on the other side successfully. What does successful even look like?

Once again I have more time to myself, nothing I would have picked, but it just happened. Out of the blue. So I have been trying to fill the time, fill my mind, fill the void. But it continues: the emptiness. That feeling. That strange unwelcomed feeling of space and time [sounds scientific, but it isn't]. I try to blame or explain the new expanse of time, but I cannot. It just happened. Maybe I had wanted it, maybe I had not. But I was trying so hard not to bring it back, I was just really trying for balance in it all. But it couldn't be. There were too many variables, too many things vying for the same limited time and space in my mind and heart.

What were those variables? Who cares? It does not matter. The time is back, and it is here to stay. It has to. I can't go back without it. I would like to, but I've tried too many times, tried too hard. This time always wins. This expanse of emptiness has found its way back in, back to create the void. Since the void has come back, I have been searching for random things to feed its craving, satisfy its wants, create fillers for this time that again rules my life. Maybe it is time to clean up and clear my head, try to move on.

But that takes time. I don't want time.

I am starting again

Here goes again. Just around the corner seems to be this motherlode for my final push into something. It is a sink-or-swim that I have been struggling in. Allowing myself to either wallow or drown, imagining that I am forcing myself stronger, but I don't need to fight when I can stand in the shallow end. Life has become simple yet complex all in the same week. With a few things I see how easy it could be and realize the distance I need to run, but readying myself for it. But as soon as I start, I allow the complexity of it all to beat me down. I am about to push back as soon as I find myself again. As soon as I start fighting smarter instead of pushing back on the stupid wall that will get me nowhere.

I realize the lameness of this post, and I really do not care. Once again in my life, I have to start where I am at. This isn't where I will stay. Life and time will carry on with or without me. Part of me just hopes and prays that I will keep up, but whatever happens will be what happens. Trying to push off stress and the people that frustrate me is just another losing battle. I am stopping to smell the roses for once. I won't stay long. There are more important things to do.

The drive and desire have slowed down for a little bit, but they will be back soon. I am out there searching for them. It won't be long.

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily" - Napoleon

Only a week-and-a-half late

And there goes another post to the trash.

So I take role again. What am I trying to say? Is it really important enough to post? Or am I still trying to figure it out in my head before I post it to the world? Who am I kidding. I post these for myself as a window into my life. I do not care who reads it. If you decide to look, then fine, but I have tried writing for others before and it did not work as I like. So here goes.

What am I doing here? I know I have drive and such, but once again I see where I am lacking and where I come up short. Again I am having to reprioritize and focus on the things I want to accomplish.

But that brings another question. What do I really want to accomplish, and why? [I am honestly tired of typing question marks. fun fact] What is the importance to the questions I am asking? I heard someone comment on the question of what is the purpose of life, and his take was that it is one of the most stupid, ambiguous and vague questions in the world. No wonder people cannot answer it. Why should we take it seriously? Who cares? It is not important. But then what is the question we should be asking? Whatever it is, it needs to be answerable. That is what I am working on right now. Quit wasting time on stupid things and focus on what I want to do today.

I sit here, again for the millionth time thinking the same things and getting somewhere but in reality it is nowhere. My life has been chasing its tail expecting to find something once it is caught, but where does it lead? It just turns circles while justifying that at least I am getting exercise.

These last few weeks of horrendous stress have left me at a loss for words and strength. I will be happy when these few things have passed and I can again think straight, start searching again for the purpose of life [sarcasm] and find traction. But I have realized that in this whole goal of being a better person will only get me better than the next guy. What is the true goal? What is it that I really want? Maybe I can be specific and instead list out what I could change. Be a better person there, but this ideal is a complete lie in reality. I need to focus, once again.

The stress of life

I hate having to delete a complete post because it was crap. But hopefully there will be a replacement soon. The thoughts are about to explode if they do not somehow escape soon.

Success or Failure

After fighting the internal struggles my whole life, I see which ones keep coming up and which are easily corrected. As new ones start and old ones continue, I naturally fight for a way to disperse the emotions connected with them. Sometimes after failing the same way, the same times, over and over, I try to defer the pain of being a failure. Although I understand the prioritization of major to minor failures, I still see some major ones surfacing through my entire life.

When these failures jump back into the front seat every now and then I see the drive within myself for success and monetary gain. I know and understand the imbalance between the two being that having money will not cover the broken relationships or the inability I have to fix some things with other people or myself. But the conclusion is this: in order to defer the feeling of failure, I need to fight for success somewhere else. When I cannot fix the failure in one place, I search for a place where I can find success, namely monetary gain and success in life. I look at what the world constitutes as success and strive for that so that I might be able to get past the failure I feel that is most important or closest to me. Somehow my mind feels they can replace or negate each other. In my heart I know this is not true, but intellectually I feel the more wins will overlook the number of losses. Life is not a numbers game, but somehow I look to improve my win-loss percentage rather than go back and spend the time to rewrite/fix the losses in my life. The emotional pain that has been or must be endured due to my failures as a person, as a human being, does not seem to outweigh the time and money necessary if I can instead just start fresh.

If only I could just start fresh and forget or get past all the drudge that seems to drive my desire for success.