In less important news, this is my 100th post

This is the problem with social networking. This is the problem with online branding. This is the problem with life as it is told we should live. Why are we told to be on our best behavior. Why should we put our best foot forward. Why do we dress up one step higher in our job interview. Answer to question #1: in order to not embarrass our parents. Answer to question #2: cuz the other foot sucks. Answer to question #3: to create a good first impression.

So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.

The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.

What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.

How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.

What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.

But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.

But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.

And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.

88 Important Truths

Some things I wish I could have written, but this I was just glad to read, so read this post: 88 Important Truths

What life is all about

Realizing what life is all about should be a class we could take in junior high, high school, or college, or all three since none of us would really pay attention although we might take notes - at least the smart kids would. But some things in life, or rather, the best things in life are not things taught in school, but they are found, discovered.

That was my plug against our current education system.

But the truth of it all comes at nearly 24 years of existence. What takes 24 years to learn? If something that important takes that long, what did we learn in the 12 years of required school of 9 months at a time? It must not have been important. It probably wasn't since I don't remember anything except how to procrastinate, cheat without getting caught, and how to embellish a 1 page paper into 12.

So here I am, learning for the first time in my life. Too bad my best years when my brain is a sponge are gone. Not to be too facetious, but finally free from expectations of perfect report cards and mass-produced vomited answers for quizzes and tests, I can now expect for myself. I can learn from myself and those around me. And they are lessons that are truly useful. Not the year Columbus sailed the ocean blue (which was 1642, I believe, or some date that rhymes with 'blue').

So what now? Nothing. I think. I was never taught what to do.

And that is my point. My point that I am just now realizing how ill-equipped I am for this life that I have been living for the last 24 years. I can finally admit to myself that I have no clue what I am doing. But it took throwing off all expectations of school and finishing my education to really learn. Ironic.

As glad as I am to finally be here, I get frustrated by my own frustration thanks to what I don't know.

What do I know? I know how to procrastinate, to fill time with busy work, to do the least amount of work for passing grades, to cram all studying into the night before because you don't really need any more. I learned to interact in a classroom setting (which is nothing like real life, fyi). I learned more from watching those around me and doing the things that were of interest to me (ie. sports, acting, cars, star wars [side note, I probably know more about star wars than any history of the US or world or any other class I ever took], music of the 60's 70's [skip 80's] 90's & 00's [?], computer games, etc).

Since now is a new time of life where I am forced to push myself and to create my own future since it is now in my hands rather than my teacher's or adviser's or parent's, I am a bit freaked out. But at least I have realized more about what life is all about. And what is that realization? I have no clue...

The rain today.

So here it is. Finally. A post that is more than just the normal conundrum of my life. Boring, I know.

But what does that take? What distracts my mind from everything back to my own selfish self? As I went camping this weekend, I sensed all my thoughts were either wrapped around my selfish self or some other completely negative thought. I do not want that to become who I am. Neither selfish nor depressing. I could blame it on a million things that logically make sense and could be tracked back to. Either way is regressive. So what now? I don't know...

But what I do know is that I am going to kill that last part of me. Not literally, no need for intervention. But metaphorically. It will come back I understand, but it is not who I want to become, so for that reason, I am leaving it behind. All this murderous and walking metaphors make me want to watch a movie.

Possibly, this is just a natural evolution: contentment, apathetic, discontent, upset, angry, answers, reoriented, repeat. At least that is how it has been, in a 3 month cycle with small cycles thrown in between to keep me on my toes. So here goes... the next chapter... the next season. Step one, getting refocused on progress and goals. Getting up earlier. I'm gonna shoot for around 5am and maybe pull it back from there, we will see where it goes. But it is in the name of focus and discipline. I got motivated thanks to Steve Pavlina's blog post on becoming an early riser. So read it and get motivated too, if you want. Otherwise stay tuned on how it goes with me.

Taking that step.

It has been a long time. So long I must be reminded how this all works. But it quickly comes back. As does the backlog of all that has been going through my mind. All the working refusing to quiet as I attempt to live day to day. Or rather, willing to let me live my days, only to haunt me throughout the night unwilling to allow sleep. Maybe "haunt" is too caustic of a word.

Somewhere in this Twitter filled lifestyle, these long passages seem almost irrelevant. Once the times pass, how can I really go back and give an accurate rendering of what really happened? Of how I really felt? And that is the key. In the good as well as the bad, how do I remember what I have learned even though I know each event has turned me one way or another. Although the current product of me 2.0 is what it is because of each happening, how do I remember the biggest turns so that I can go back and relive to continue that direction when I turn away? Especially this week. Once again I fall back on the typical doubts that have been forced into my head for so long. Once again I let life slip away into fear. into the hurt that I have somehow been able to forget. into the distraction that keeps me from being content. And finally I was called out. Called out, reaffirmed, and re-established. Good pain. Being told the reality that I haven't wanted to accept and look at.

And at that time, life becomes reality. No more running from it. Instead I accept what it is. Whatever this is. And I move. And I see. And I am comfortable. And I am content. For once. Content with myself, the world, as vague as that is, being able to sit back and instead of wanting I can love again. I can be honest with myself and all those around me. Such a small step, but finally the right step heading the right way.

Glad to Move on.

I'm glad to hear that you didn't care
Those feelings, I guess we never did share
Did you lie? Fake? Are they really just gone?
If that's the case, I'm glad you've moved on.

I was honest and straight, never gave less.
Was never afraid to show you the rest
Of my ugly side I like to keep locked away.
But then you move on after barely two days.

My heart isn't broken, I'm glad you moved on.
I'm glad we haven't spoken. I'm glad that you're gone.
I know I deserve better than a little girl like you.
I just wish you had felt what I felt, too.

I'd like to imagine, once more you'd think of me
And remember the kiss, the hug, but we
Would never have worked, I wish I'd seen
Earlier. But I'm happy. I'll take what had been.

The Escape

And it just builds. Builds past the point at which I can keep it in. That ambiguous feeling that I cannot quite put a finger on. The reason for continuously checking my phone and facebook while knowing there is no new messages. I miss home for no reason. I miss comfort without defining it. So I leave. I escape to another state, another country, alone. What am I really looking for?

That was my question even before I bought the tickets. Still unanswered. But then all of a sudden, the feeling returns. This feeling of something I cannot deny but must aprehend. Even still, the words refuse to form around the emotions that are there.

All this builds on top of the numerous thoughts and procedings of life. None of which are negative, but all of which fill up my time in my life and real estate in my head. The fact is I know my writing quality has dropped off. Mostly to laziness. But that laziness is based in the fact (albeit assumption) that no one is reading. Maybe not no one, but the person that I want to read it is not. I do not have someone to write to. Life is a story meant to be shared. Life shared is love.

Maybe that is what I am seeking. But how am I seeking that by running away? Am I really running? Or am I just becoming someone I cannot be while staying? Is it the search that I am after? The journey is the growth and the search is the journey. Who says that I have to find it in one continent or the other. And so here I am, flying away, seeking a new experience, maybe seeking a new experience to add to all others. Collecting in a way. An expensive collection, and sometimes quickly fleeting, yet what is your collection? What is a better, more noble, desire? I am not looking at the monetary value, or the bragging rights (to be honest, I might be somewhat), but I need that break from everyday life and everything that is familiar.

When did familiarities not allow us to live the life we want? And what, again, is it we want? If it was only a quantifiable, easy answer. If everything I could want could be listed out is such a robotic way that i could then buy or grab on my way home like a grocery list. But it is so much more. So much deeper. It is something to be found, not bought. Almost achieved but not not like a video game, more like a medal. But to get back to point, when we live a life not our own, we relinquish our rights to life. In one way, this is right. My life is not mine, but the One that I serve and by whom I choose to live. But this proves my point. As soon as we start to live by the rules and ideas of those around us we give that power to the mortals who are more foolish and insane than you. Not as a defamation against all humanity, but let’s face it, no one is better at living your life than you, so shouldn’t you live it?

That is what I have been seeking: a way to live my own life without having to run away. As you grow up, your life is directly attached to your family’s, but as you grow up that changes to your own life, your own friends, your own everything. Nothing is stopping me from anything in this foreign country. The best feeling in the world was driving last week with the windows down, music loud, and no responsibility to be anywhere but there. It was enjoying the moment and forgetting the past and future that allowed me to grasp the freedom and enjoyment. And so this is living, choosing to live, choosing to live your own life. Living that life without fear and in a way that can seek virtue and good. Without worry about life (that won’t do anything), and without pride (because that is only detrimental to everything and everyone), and with continuing to seek and search out this journey and continue this story we are all apart of.

Control

Sometimes from nowhere. Sometimes from somewhere specific. Usually without warning. Feelings. Thoughts. Fears. They all emote. Projecting their specific expression into your body and mind. What do you do with them is up to you. Do you harbor them? Do you reject them? Disregard and move on or accept, cultivate, and progress with them?

In this cruel world, we seek these feelings. We feel to be alive. Without feelings we are dead. And death is our greatest fear. To die is to completely let go and give up. This is not literal death but metaphorical. Walking dead. Zombies in this corporate world. They surround us. We all know a few. They epitomize the lack of life. And that is our greatest fear. Living without life. Instead we seek it everywhere else.

If that is death, what is life? Life is the culmination of feeling and not simply surviving. Such a simple analogy of life and death, but is it not true? What is life without feeling? And the greatest, strongest, most desirable feeling is love. To love and be loved. To be loved can be as empty as not loving because without mirroring that feeling, it is empty. Without love, life equals slowly dying. And do we really wonder why our kids are cutting themselves and committing suicide in record numbers? That sounds like an excellent option when you do not have someone to love and love you back. And I am not being sarcastic.

So instead, I try to feel. I try to reach out and live. Without living I am dying. There is an ability, or an option, to control your emotions rather than live by them. The fact of pain in life is part of feeling. It is not something to seek, but to accept and continue living. Continue growing. Without growth, there is death. Without conflict and resistance there is no growth. Opposite of love is hate. Opposite of growth is death. Opposite of living is indifference.

Playing the game

Is it all a game? Are we just playing different aspects of the same board game? It is as if one person is going for all the railroads, someone else is trying for all the utilities, and someone else is just trying to stay out of jail and get past Go for that $200.

What is this? Is it just a game? Are we just playing with our own bodies and minds trying to get ahead like in a race? Are we really trying to be the best versions of ourselves? Should we stop ourselves from achieving that goal? What is wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being the best version of me. Only, what am I willing to stop at? How far is too far? Should I even care?

I have been reading an article on neuro-enhancers and how they increase cognition. Incredible, and I can completely understand because when I have taken Vicodin and can focus and accomplish much more than usual. On top of that, I feel like a much better person: more outgoing, funnier, more lively. With the side affects of eating bad food and drinking, how much worse could these be for you, especially with the benefits that you get? The possibilities are endless when tempted with something like this. They are simple steps to get ahead and strive for more. Why not? If we are here playing a game, then should we not try to win? or at least be a better player?

The possible future

Sometimes I see that end of the tunnel. As if, what if, how else, et cetera. I see it clearly, as if in some altered state. Right now it is black and white and like a movie. Here it plays, no chance of rewinding, but it does have alternate endings. But that clarity is still so vague, so ambiguous and foreign. I live here and now. Living in the pool of my thoughts. Thinking through the forest of ponderings and trains available for departure and return. Where do they go, more importantly, where do they stop? All in one vast photograph of the past present and future. What a vague representation of the specific times emotions and feelings of people closest to me. The permanence of past, liquidity of love, and frailty of life itself. The day to day ebb and flow of each action, thought, and idea. It all wanes together in some force in this whole world. While being watched through the judging eyes of our own audience. Our audience of fools and lovers. The pressure. The fate... What we call life.

Extreme OCD

So paralyzed by fear. And it is fear which is unseated in anything meaningful. Obsessive compulsive people act out of irrational fears. We all have some irrational fears. And we all act out of some sense of fear. Fear and greed, they are the strongest motivators known to man. Some people have better control, yet some are completely controlled by them.

Today I saw a man who could not face the counter at the coffee shop. He decided to walk backwards the entire time and never looked at a single person. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen in real life. How do you get to that point? Where is his disconnect between his world and reality? What kind of thought process justifies such irrational behavior. I have had friends who must hit the button for the crosswalk a certain number of times, must wash their face a certain number of times, wash their hands in the restroom at least a certain number of times. Most of these are the are thanks to the marketing of cleaning product companies and overzealous news anchors. The foolish and extreme stories that are based on minor details and random facts to manufacture a story to sell to gullible people. They manufacture fear. And fearful people soak it up. It is why people are more afraid of the public bathroom than the public pool which has more excrements and is dirtier than most bathrooms.

But as I look into my own unsettled fear, what is causing irrational behavior for myself? What are my own irrational behaviors that are seated in unjustifiable fears? Why do I refuse to wear red, white, and blue in one outfit, even if it doesn't look patriotic or coordinated? Why do I sometimes fidget on my phone in order to feel productive or busy rather than sit there comfortably alone in the moment? Why do I clam up whenever I talk with attractive girls even if there is no reason to be afraid? Why do I focus so much on other peoples' thoughts and approval of my every move when I know it is impossible to satisfy them all? And why do I fear so much of my future that I usually refuse to risk it?

So much progress has been made on where I have been previously, but still so much remains left perfectly irrational (such an oxymoron). So this is the fight. This is the struggle between actions and fear-filled twisted logic. How would it even look if we could live without fear? in perfect rationality? What if each step we took would be perfectly purposeful and logical? Is that really what we should strive for? I do not think so, but just that ideal would be so many steps better than where we are. When will what we crave and desire actually match up with what we should (such a vague claim) and what is purposeful (such an subjective term)?

The worries of the Beach

What is it about the beach? The constant white noise of the waves crashing. The bright lights of the stars and moon illuminating only a few details. The cold sand under my feet. The warm breeze across the sand and my exposed skin. The grass whistling back and forth. Somehow the worries and thoughts of normal life just disappear. The struggles of money, life, relationships, and girls. All the stresses every day through my mind seem to melt away and I can enjoy the moment.

Maybe the white noise keeps my normal noise down. Maybe the light keeps my eyes on the environment at present. Maybe the solitude and soothing silence keeps the loneliness away. Maybe the cold sand and the warm breeze keeps me focused here and now at this time in life. Maybe the fresh air keeps the out the corporate ideal from entraping my entire being.

Whatever it is, I can be here and now and enjoy the peace. I can forget the life and struggles at home and grasp the peace and serenity of the moment.

The Thought

And then it hit me. Not like a brick, or a swift kick to the face. But more like a subtle "duh."

And there I was sitting. First just in my car, but it grew more as I sat in the book store. It is one day, then it is the next, then it is the next. And on and on until you cannot remember the last few days. I sit and I think and I dream, but that is where it stops. I need to go and do. I want to conquer. I want to be.

This, here and now will accomplish nothing. Why do I hold myself back? Why do I drag my feet? Why do I allow the struggles of each day keep me from accomplishing tomorrow? No more. I'm done with that.

Things are going to change.

Worse than Love

I can only think of one thing. This one act of will pushes past the normal pain into extreme. Feeling unloved is one thing. Knowing that few to no one cares can be so painful. But having to deny love is something else entirely. Being in a place where that need could be met, but realizing you are not here to merely meet needs. To try to forget what once was love, or something with its appearance. Not nearly to forget, but remember without the same feeling. To enjoy the taste without the presence.

All these similar feelings rush around like money in a game show. Only this time you cannot grab. The goal is to sit there and watch because you have been on this show before, and this money is not the true prize.

Hope again for another day. Another shot at it.

Me?

Why do I think so much of myself? Ironic question in itself. Counterproductive to its intended purpose as it is. Useless to gain it's own goal.

But what is my point? My point is that the harder you try to get away from yourself, the closer you get. Same goes for most everything. The more you try to leave it, the more it becomes a part of you, the more times you gravitate toward that moment, that emotion, that time, that person.

The act of the moving is counteracted by its opposite. Not a play on words but a fact of life. Maybe if we could only stop fighting? No. Maybe if we could only stop thinking? No again. The tail only turns us around if we choose to chase it. There are other leads to chase after.

Reality and Life

Thoughts jump from place to place without a care in the world. The music pumps through headphones keeping my mind distracted. The barista laughs. I cannot hear him, but you can see his joy without hearing. Life is funny when your head is trapped between speakers. I am happy here. Back and forth between reality and audio. One without the other and vice versa. An interesting perspective.

But what about the other perspectives? What am I missing? Am I choosing not to listen or feel or enjoy certain things in this reality we label as life? Because I know there is more to discover. Or should I just let go and live? Why do I need to think about this? Oh yeah, it is because my reality is currently trapped between two speakers and my laptop.

As I step back from that reality, I look around. First I look at the current reality. Then at the past reality we call memories. The music changes and snaps me back to the words flowing through my fingers. I was thinking of writing a simple honest post about the realities of life, but why bother? My reality is filtered through my biases and emotions. Those are changing. And quicker than I can keep up with. Instead I focus on what I am keeping up with and how to handle each thing in front of me. And for once I have been focusing on that. Honestly, it is not as exciting as it sounds, but I cannot complain much. Here I look at life and my perception of it, and I realize the importance of certain things and the unimportance of others. Then the next step is structure behaviors around those realizations. But easier said than done. We are creatures of habit. Our natural inclination is to stay in the ruts we have cut out for ourselves no matter how self-destructive. And, incidentally, without change and challenges, it is proven we lose IQ. We get dumber! Without life challenging us we become stupid.

It is not surprising. It makes sense since learning is not easy, but why then do we strive for the easy life? Why do we want the soft life when it actually is so detrimental so our own health and survival. All the latest struggles and challenges that have tried to kill me are only making me smarter. As much as I hate it, I am smarter than before. So I will continue. I will press on. That is the purpose of life. To not give up, to not get caught in your own small reality, but to stretch yourself. To fight on. The pain is temporary. But the gain can be monumental.

So to continue (and make you nearly bored of my lame writing ability), how do I deal with this? How do I throw off the false reality between the few inches between my cranium and a few more inches in front of my eyes? To be honest, I was not able to until life kicked me in the face enough times that I realized I had to kick back and take control. You cannot live life on cruise control. You will continue to run into things until you stop sleeping. (I learned that the hard way [joking reference to multiple car accidents])

And to continue on (since I have both caffeine and pain pills and good music flowing through my body I will keep going, not too sure if recommended, but whatever), life is too short to continue in the ruts you have dug for yourself. Certain attitudes and emotions are so immature and naive. They are ruts as well. Everything can be a rut if you allow it to take over your thinking. That is my biggest frustration. Reactions. I do not want better reactions, but faster thinking. I have not concluded anything, just thinking/writing out loud.

But what I have concluded is that I am done searching for the easy life. There is no point in life that things finally plateau. The longer you go, the higher you get, the steeper it becomes. But just like everything else, if you continue to fight, the easier it becomes. So do not give up. Keep fighting for what is worth fighting for. Otherwise, you can take the easy route; give up and let life win.

Freed Again

There is always healing after a swift kick in the face. That is the beauty of life. The ability to heal and grow and learn. And so I continue on, better than before. Stronger than I was. Closing that chapter and moving on. So freeing. So easy. So simple to just let go. If only I always realized this then there would be no problems. Nice thinking.

So as of now I promise not to look back. I learn in the moment and understand through the future. Life moves on, and there is no use to get caught up to try to catch up. I am here to look forward. If I continue to look behind, I will continue to run into the same things. [I thought that was a good saying]. And so here I go, looking up.

Once again...

Sometimes the day just does not turn as you thought. Things run along until you are shocked awake in some new way. And that is how it happened. It is also amazing how your mind fills in the blanks about the parts of life you don't have time to remember. Basically: things I cannot let go of; things that stay not because of I want them to, but I don't know how to continue on, I don't know if I want to, but I must.

Life moves on.
People moved on.
I can't.

So with another kick in the face, I get another dose of reality. It is a dose big enough to knock me off my feet, but just low enough not to put me out. But it is what I need. Things are moving so quickly, life is teaching so much, but once again I get lazy and slow. If things are not fast enough, things can always be faster, they can always be better. It is not that faster and better is what this life is about, but instead there is no reason to be slow and mediocre. What is the point? That turns into a boring life. Life offers more. Life is what you make of it.

Happiness must wait

I have been gone too long. The first blog back from a break is either great or crap. Today's was the latter. Better luck tomorrow.

Half thoughts

All day now I have been listening to talks and speeches by people much smarter than I am. Each has at one point done something to let them stand out in their field to know more than the rest. And with each exposition I understand their side, I relate to their examples and we connect in some metaphysical way.

Because of my lack of knowledge, I know I cannot refute or much dialog with them. We could have a good conversation because they are usually cool people, but from what I know and my own experiences in the world, I know that at least some of what they say is true. But how much of it?

I see their argument, their theory on this portion of life they work with. But that is all it is. When I stop and think, I see holes and things they assume or deny. Does that invalidate them? No. They are still standouts in their field for a reason. They know more than I do.

But this is not my point to figure out when to discount or believe people with credentials. My point is what do you do with opposing, believable ideas? How do you reconcile two thoughts each with faults and each with truths? Where do you put them? You cannot discount both or believe both.