This is the problem with social networking. This is the problem with online branding. This is the problem with life as it is told we should live. Why are we told to be on our best behavior. Why should we put our best foot forward. Why do we dress up one step higher in our job interview. Answer to question #1: in order to not embarrass our parents. Answer to question #2: cuz the other foot sucks. Answer to question #3: to create a good first impression.
So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.
The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.
What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.
How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.
What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.
But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.
But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.
And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.
Monday, November 9, 2009
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