Whenever I find myself in this situation (single..again.., and without all the toys I have ever wanted to make me satisfied...which will be never), I always look internally. Maybe it is a introverted characteristic of mine. Or maybe it is entrepreneurial, I don't know. Maybe it is inherently male, but I don't think that is the main reason. But I want to conquer the world to prove a point to her. or maybe just to me.
Even tonight I self-medicate as I move on smoothly, which is going quite well, by the way. But with each situation this afternoon and more into the evening, I look to conquer everything as if to counteract. And I pencil out goals to achieve that. Whether it be my friends' wives or girlfriends, that I think I can do better, or as I listen to music, I can learn guitar and write better than Lady GaGa. It seems I am on this quest to prove that I am best when I am solo. I will dominate. I will conquer. I will survive.
But also in all of this, I look around and look for someone to share this with. Anyone, really. Anybody to care that I have dominated, conquered and survived. Because without comradery, there is no real conquering or survival, only more loneliness.
So as my list of goals swells to new proportions, I think of motives. And quickly find it is really because I am hurt and just want to prove a point. But I know I will prove it to whoever is listening, even if they really aren't.
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1 comment:
What do you think of "proving a point" not being so much an issue of being hurt but of being a sinner? Hurt dovetails with that because sin (our own and that of others) hurts. But holiness and resting in Christ consists on depending on Him and realizing our own weakness. Our rebellion against God consists of our independence and our desire to prove to ourselves and the world that we can "do it" (whatever "it" is) on our own. That "it" may be a goal, a feeling of satisfaction, an accomplishment, etc but our sense of isolation and failure comes when we search for those things outside of Christ and His kingdom plan. I'm curious for your thoughts.
Jo
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