The Escape

And it just builds. Builds past the point at which I can keep it in. That ambiguous feeling that I cannot quite put a finger on. The reason for continuously checking my phone and facebook while knowing there is no new messages. I miss home for no reason. I miss comfort without defining it. So I leave. I escape to another state, another country, alone. What am I really looking for?

That was my question even before I bought the tickets. Still unanswered. But then all of a sudden, the feeling returns. This feeling of something I cannot deny but must aprehend. Even still, the words refuse to form around the emotions that are there.

All this builds on top of the numerous thoughts and procedings of life. None of which are negative, but all of which fill up my time in my life and real estate in my head. The fact is I know my writing quality has dropped off. Mostly to laziness. But that laziness is based in the fact (albeit assumption) that no one is reading. Maybe not no one, but the person that I want to read it is not. I do not have someone to write to. Life is a story meant to be shared. Life shared is love.

Maybe that is what I am seeking. But how am I seeking that by running away? Am I really running? Or am I just becoming someone I cannot be while staying? Is it the search that I am after? The journey is the growth and the search is the journey. Who says that I have to find it in one continent or the other. And so here I am, flying away, seeking a new experience, maybe seeking a new experience to add to all others. Collecting in a way. An expensive collection, and sometimes quickly fleeting, yet what is your collection? What is a better, more noble, desire? I am not looking at the monetary value, or the bragging rights (to be honest, I might be somewhat), but I need that break from everyday life and everything that is familiar.

When did familiarities not allow us to live the life we want? And what, again, is it we want? If it was only a quantifiable, easy answer. If everything I could want could be listed out is such a robotic way that i could then buy or grab on my way home like a grocery list. But it is so much more. So much deeper. It is something to be found, not bought. Almost achieved but not not like a video game, more like a medal. But to get back to point, when we live a life not our own, we relinquish our rights to life. In one way, this is right. My life is not mine, but the One that I serve and by whom I choose to live. But this proves my point. As soon as we start to live by the rules and ideas of those around us we give that power to the mortals who are more foolish and insane than you. Not as a defamation against all humanity, but let’s face it, no one is better at living your life than you, so shouldn’t you live it?

That is what I have been seeking: a way to live my own life without having to run away. As you grow up, your life is directly attached to your family’s, but as you grow up that changes to your own life, your own friends, your own everything. Nothing is stopping me from anything in this foreign country. The best feeling in the world was driving last week with the windows down, music loud, and no responsibility to be anywhere but there. It was enjoying the moment and forgetting the past and future that allowed me to grasp the freedom and enjoyment. And so this is living, choosing to live, choosing to live your own life. Living that life without fear and in a way that can seek virtue and good. Without worry about life (that won’t do anything), and without pride (because that is only detrimental to everything and everyone), and with continuing to seek and search out this journey and continue this story we are all apart of.