For Survival

The human body and the emotional state of man tries to push past certain emotional and ideological blocks in life. It is our new trials for survival of the fittest with completely new rules. Completely new desires. Completely new outcomes.

With our few human desires: first love, second I don’t know, that first one is all that I have deduced to have true meaning. The other desires tend to branch off the first. These desires are completed through different relationships, all which are human and therefore flawed. The flaws in each of our relationships stem from our own lack of human decision making which lately, I have personally seen fallen completely apart all too often. In all of this, we look to grow and survive from our own human emotion and anger at ourselves. Especially it exasperates itself when it is pushed up in your face after a long absence by trying to deal with it separately. New feelings, emotions, struggles fall upon you as you realize the full capacity of what you have lost and where your decisions have brought you. When consequences move from a ideological standpoint to an actual and emotional one.

When these consequences arise, we all deal with them differently. As any being, we look to lessen the pain. An outlet for our feelings. As I try to get rid of the emotions and think straight, these desires for an outlet mount and the emotions take over. I sit back, look for an outlet, look for some way to alleviate the pain at my own stupidity.

And I honestly laughed at myself today -- not that it is a new thing -- but at the way I was trying to go about doing this. I had a few options: continue in my feeling sorry for myself and at my stupid decisions; move on and just continue trying to block the emotions; or jump ahead, prove to everybody that I am better than everybody while denying the emotions. None of these were practical, none of these would actually work. This stupid idea made me think I needed to make all this money so I could instead move on and move up in the world. My own stupidity decides that money will fix things. I can’t do that. Money will not do anything. It will only move myself from one place to another with the same person. I need to fix me. I need to change myself. As high school kids turn into college kids turn into kids with careers with their own kids, nothing changes with the person unless they do something to grow up. Nothing changes except the surroundings and the circumstances.

So here I continue alone with my hopes and dreams and funny stupid ideas. It will finish out, and I know it will be better. You tend to go where you are looking, so I will keep looking to where I need to be. This boy to man thing is really draining.