The people

The groups, the masses, the people walking by. I love watching people as they walk or interact. Especially at a college where they aren't in groups but they are clumped together. You can pick people out of a crowd and watch them. Not in a freaky stalking way, more just observing their behaviors and actions. You'd be amazed at how much you can assume and deduce from just a 5 second observation. Their outfit says the most, then their face, and how they walk, how they hold themselves, and then their interactions or actions. Not to lie, it can be so shallow, but if you think about it, it is so telling for only few seconds. On campus, there is a myriad of stereotypes and special personalities to entertain. But, not to end there, as I waited for class, I sat in the hall, looked down while reading a book and did the same only up to the knees. Even more hilarious is the footwear people choose and I can't imagine why. It is not to judge, but just observe and enjoy.

Once again, thank you Portland for your happen-chance entertainment.

Living in the Past

I have got to say, I love seeing old bumper stickers for long-gone politicians. Can we hear it for Gore in 2000, or Kerry in '04. Yay! There is nothing like hoping for the lost and watching others fail to see their loss. Not that I'm a masochistic or sadistic, but it amazes me how people hold onto these as if they are their own poster to the world or the rebellion to the current. It's proof that this country isn't a republic because we are not being represented, yet we are not a democracy because we do not have real voting power. That is why I hate politics. Not only do I have a better chance winning the lottery than having my vote actually count, but whoever gets into power is completely at their own whim. It is a joke. It is all a game. And even more, it is a waste of my time.

There it is. That is my rant. I'm done.

Emotional Bliss

It is called emotional intelligence, or EQ for short. And it basically means your mind monitoring your emotions on how they affect the rest of your body and its actions or desires that come from that. It's actually quite simple. For example, nervousness before a competition causes some people to freeze up and not perform well in which case you need to see this and counteract it somehow. But some people have the ability to take that nervousness and give them energy to do more without overdoing it. So thing like this show how complex people are and how simple things can completely throw us off if we don't pay attention. My predicament is that I have been paying attention and I still don't know what to do. I am in tune with everything my body is doing and saying, but somehow I have no control over it. I am at a loss. I keep thinking up possibilities, dreaming up options, feeling out ideas, but I am back at the beginning. As if I never got anywhere in the first place. I wish I knew what to do. I wish my EQ had some practical stuff to go with it.

On a sunny Saturday afternoon gives me a much better time to think about the week. Sitting down in Peet's, drinking some espresso, some ice water, and a french press sample gives your mind a little better ability to process everything that happened and all that really went through my mind. Not to lie, it was more than a bit overpowering, the week, that is. I can't not think about all that happened. It was so simple, yet so much. So dynamic and revealing. When dreams and goals are grasped and dashed at the same time, when emotions peak and fall out within days, when old expectations are recreated and new ones are let down, life gets a new spin. You have to look differently at old things and find new ways to think about everything new. It is all a rollercoaster without a safety harness. Life is a song without rules. A rhyme without parameters.

What a digression. Anyway, it is amazing how in one week you can learn so much and see so much in life. I saw how people can be reduced to a mass of people: the power of a crowd is created by the destroying the individual. People's dreams are destroyed by reality and not the lack of not direction but the lack of advice and wisdom or maturity. But without a desire, without a goal, there is no dream. And a sense of realism would keep too many peoples' feet on the ground and wouldn't give them the power to reach for the stars especially if it is cloudy and raining.

Some things never change

Why am I surprised? I should have expected it. Everything holds a stipulation. Everything must benefit them first. It's always selfish and foolish. So narrow-minded and stubborn, they will never change.

Wake me up when the rain ends.

How can the rain, the cold, the weather affect me like this. Like a punch in the face I'm down on the ground. Trying to catch my breath. Regain my composure. Where am I? What am I doing? Why has turned from positive to negative almost overnight? I can see difference as black and white. It's so obvious. I don't know what to do. I'm done. My thoughts dead end. My hope is gone. And imagination went with the sun. I am left with nothing. Again. I want to cry. No, I want to get up, move on, get past this. But I don't how. Last week I might have been able to think of something, but now I have no clue. I am standing in an empty room. Standing alone. Where did it all go? Where is my happy summer? Is that it? Is anyone there?

Last Night's Dream

A dream so real you wonder if it happened. I know for sure it could not, because I don't think they make convertible (and seemingly silent) helicopters, even for Bill Gates who was piloting the contraption. I'm not making this up. Aspects of this dream pulled out parts of my inner being that I have forgotten about. I played with old friends, we talked about music I have been; trying to remember. wouldn't want to fly in a helicopter in a dream, or flirt with most gorgeous girl that seems to be exactly what I want. It surreal. But there were drawbacks too, it wasn't all perfect. The fighting with my family, the negativism in my life. Only rather than the usual happenings, I just reacted. There was no inhibitions (nothing can hold back when you are in the deepest level of REM sleep).

The pieces of this dream are still fresh in my mind, and I can't say I know what to do with them. I already have a lot I'm thinking about like the philosophy mashup between existentialism and Christianity. And I would rather figure that out first before I deal with these personal imaginations. Maybe I should focus on something else. Maybe there is something deeper there. Maybe I should tell Bill Gates to invent a convertible helicopter. Or maybe I will just take it as it is, a dream, a look into my uninhibited soul. There is something to be gleened from this. I just don't know what that is.

The Writing on the Wall

I nearly laughed out loud. Driving down the road for work, I look out the window at the various Portland landscapes. Only this one caugh me off guard. It was hilarious. Vandalism at its absolute worst, and I don't mean vulgar or repulsive (well maybe repulsive). But this horrible piece of text had only one string of words in plain, nearly indeciferable block text. And I apologize that in my shock and internal laughing, I didn't catch the last part. But the mural of self- promotion started "www.myspace.com/..." And there it was, in all its glory.

Thank you Portland vandals for putting pride in your own work. You add comic relief to our daily commute.

My own impatience

It makes sense now. I've been so unable to be patient with life because of the fact that I want my life to start getting on track. I want to be done with school with these stupid jobs, I want to really start life. To start a career. To start earning real money. To get out into the real world and really see what I am made of. But now I see. It's as if I needed to come to this place where I finally couldn't take it any more and rather than fight my impatience, I needed to harness it. I am waiting for nothing. Only I can start my life. Nothing will be waiting for me at the end of school. The only difference from here and there is two years, a piece of paper, and a few thousand dollars in debt. That is what I have been waiting for? Nothing special there. I understand the importance of that piece of paper. And I understand life is not some existential experience. It is much more complicated than that. But the idea remains the same: life is what I make of it. Life waits for no man. So why should I wait for it?

The Real vs Ideal (part 3)

The reality of every dream is that in the morning, you must wake up. If you don't, that means you're dead.

More ideal (part 2)

To follow up, what makes our dreams? Seriously. I have mine, you have yours, your parents had theirs. Most everybody has some kind of dream. The if, how, and why is always different, but what makes them. I believe they are there for a reason, whether to drive us or to at least keep us in motion, or something. They are there. That is what we cannot deny. I don't want to deny. We all have a dream, that one day... right?! We are here, on earth, for a purpose. Whether or not it is to grasp that dream, or to realize there is something bigger than our own dream, I don't know; you can decide that. But the fact remains we have them and there creates a goal. And goals require more, smaller, and in-between goals. They create a timeline to something. I want more than anything right now, to embody that goal and that dream I have. And I am finally taking those steps, but that is what I am learning. Ironically, learning is the journey. The walking, the running, the crawling is all in between the beginning and that light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever happens between now and then is the journey, but the fact remains, it's one hell of a ride.

The Ideal (part 1)

It is amazing when you see something, something that embodies the image of what you want, who you want to become. You can see the problems, you can look at the imperfections, but somehow that doesn't matter. When you see your dream embodied in something, you look past it all, you can choose what to look at, you can find the idea within it all. It is amazing, it is near perfection because it is your dream. It is as if there is a obtain-at-any-cost. There is the goal, a prize. And when you can see it, you can almost taste it, you can almost have it...

Is it a break I need

Sometimes I wonder if I just need a break. A retreat. A getaway. For a while. It seems (I don't know if this is the right word but...) romantic when a son, a friend, a brother, an ex, a whatever, disappears for a while. Maybe a long while, like a few years before comes back, grown up. Changed, yet the same boy, only wiser, stronger, and matured. I feel I need that right now. I know I've grown up and learned a lot lately, but somehow I feel that I can't be quite that person because of who I have been. It's true I am not who people think I should be, but who I am, yet somehow I feel I can't grow up. People I am close to have seen me every day/week/etc for my whole life. That keeps a person the same. I want to get up, go away, and allow myself to grow up separate of the life I have here. I love it here, don't get me wrong (most of it, to be honest) but once again, I am here needing change. I don't sense a relocation soon, but I think I could use it... at least right now.

The music

We argue about music--at least my friends and I do-- about the affect of music on our moods. Does the music affect the mood, or the mood pick the music? And to be honest, I don't care. But something stood out to me.
Somehow I connect with depressing artists and their songs. It's as if it hits a string within me. I connect with it more than normal. The broken heart. The lost love. And the lonely days. I'm not sad. Things are really good, as a matter of fact. Even still, they have a charm to them. It's enticing. I think the fact that it's the raw emotion. The despair and the fight. The desire for company and companionship. Isn't that everyone's song? The desire for love.

That's right, life's a journey

You get thrown off. Things get out of hand. You imagine, stress, and get upset. Get back to your place, do more work to feel productive, then stop. You take a breath, grab a book, walk to your coffee shop, and remember: life is a journey. It will take a while. Don't get in a hurry. Calm down. You are a part of life, not visa versa. And life goes at its own pace not yours.

Today

Today. It's now. The present. Not the future. What's the deal, though. What is going on? It seems like now more than ever people are moving up or moving down. Things are changing today. They'll be different tomorrow. It's as if we are in his amoeba of life and we either chase it like a dog chases its tail, or we wait for it to hopefully come around to our side of life, or certain people have some innate ability to know where it'll be and how to use it and control it. I read about them in books and magazines, see them on websites and billboards. Of course they are there. They aren't here. They know something I don't. They do something I'm not. But how? Why? What is the difference, what is the deal?
I look around at the amount of things to do and how to be at the top of something. Just think about the Phelps, the Lebron, the Murdoch, the Tom, the Jessicas, the Dr.s, the actors, the nominees, the running mates. With the billions of people and the millions and millions of byways in life, odds are in my favor. Just take out the lazy and unable and I should have a straight shot to success, right? Then what's wrong? And why am I stressing? I'm only 22. I'm stressing becuse I have only today. That is what I know and can count on. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is always out of reach. I have today. And today is always different, always changing. Like an amoeba of life.