The Thought

And then it hit me. Not like a brick, or a swift kick to the face. But more like a subtle "duh."

And there I was sitting. First just in my car, but it grew more as I sat in the book store. It is one day, then it is the next, then it is the next. And on and on until you cannot remember the last few days. I sit and I think and I dream, but that is where it stops. I need to go and do. I want to conquer. I want to be.

This, here and now will accomplish nothing. Why do I hold myself back? Why do I drag my feet? Why do I allow the struggles of each day keep me from accomplishing tomorrow? No more. I'm done with that.

Things are going to change.

Worse than Love

I can only think of one thing. This one act of will pushes past the normal pain into extreme. Feeling unloved is one thing. Knowing that few to no one cares can be so painful. But having to deny love is something else entirely. Being in a place where that need could be met, but realizing you are not here to merely meet needs. To try to forget what once was love, or something with its appearance. Not nearly to forget, but remember without the same feeling. To enjoy the taste without the presence.

All these similar feelings rush around like money in a game show. Only this time you cannot grab. The goal is to sit there and watch because you have been on this show before, and this money is not the true prize.

Hope again for another day. Another shot at it.

Me?

Why do I think so much of myself? Ironic question in itself. Counterproductive to its intended purpose as it is. Useless to gain it's own goal.

But what is my point? My point is that the harder you try to get away from yourself, the closer you get. Same goes for most everything. The more you try to leave it, the more it becomes a part of you, the more times you gravitate toward that moment, that emotion, that time, that person.

The act of the moving is counteracted by its opposite. Not a play on words but a fact of life. Maybe if we could only stop fighting? No. Maybe if we could only stop thinking? No again. The tail only turns us around if we choose to chase it. There are other leads to chase after.

Reality and Life

Thoughts jump from place to place without a care in the world. The music pumps through headphones keeping my mind distracted. The barista laughs. I cannot hear him, but you can see his joy without hearing. Life is funny when your head is trapped between speakers. I am happy here. Back and forth between reality and audio. One without the other and vice versa. An interesting perspective.

But what about the other perspectives? What am I missing? Am I choosing not to listen or feel or enjoy certain things in this reality we label as life? Because I know there is more to discover. Or should I just let go and live? Why do I need to think about this? Oh yeah, it is because my reality is currently trapped between two speakers and my laptop.

As I step back from that reality, I look around. First I look at the current reality. Then at the past reality we call memories. The music changes and snaps me back to the words flowing through my fingers. I was thinking of writing a simple honest post about the realities of life, but why bother? My reality is filtered through my biases and emotions. Those are changing. And quicker than I can keep up with. Instead I focus on what I am keeping up with and how to handle each thing in front of me. And for once I have been focusing on that. Honestly, it is not as exciting as it sounds, but I cannot complain much. Here I look at life and my perception of it, and I realize the importance of certain things and the unimportance of others. Then the next step is structure behaviors around those realizations. But easier said than done. We are creatures of habit. Our natural inclination is to stay in the ruts we have cut out for ourselves no matter how self-destructive. And, incidentally, without change and challenges, it is proven we lose IQ. We get dumber! Without life challenging us we become stupid.

It is not surprising. It makes sense since learning is not easy, but why then do we strive for the easy life? Why do we want the soft life when it actually is so detrimental so our own health and survival. All the latest struggles and challenges that have tried to kill me are only making me smarter. As much as I hate it, I am smarter than before. So I will continue. I will press on. That is the purpose of life. To not give up, to not get caught in your own small reality, but to stretch yourself. To fight on. The pain is temporary. But the gain can be monumental.

So to continue (and make you nearly bored of my lame writing ability), how do I deal with this? How do I throw off the false reality between the few inches between my cranium and a few more inches in front of my eyes? To be honest, I was not able to until life kicked me in the face enough times that I realized I had to kick back and take control. You cannot live life on cruise control. You will continue to run into things until you stop sleeping. (I learned that the hard way [joking reference to multiple car accidents])

And to continue on (since I have both caffeine and pain pills and good music flowing through my body I will keep going, not too sure if recommended, but whatever), life is too short to continue in the ruts you have dug for yourself. Certain attitudes and emotions are so immature and naive. They are ruts as well. Everything can be a rut if you allow it to take over your thinking. That is my biggest frustration. Reactions. I do not want better reactions, but faster thinking. I have not concluded anything, just thinking/writing out loud.

But what I have concluded is that I am done searching for the easy life. There is no point in life that things finally plateau. The longer you go, the higher you get, the steeper it becomes. But just like everything else, if you continue to fight, the easier it becomes. So do not give up. Keep fighting for what is worth fighting for. Otherwise, you can take the easy route; give up and let life win.

Freed Again

There is always healing after a swift kick in the face. That is the beauty of life. The ability to heal and grow and learn. And so I continue on, better than before. Stronger than I was. Closing that chapter and moving on. So freeing. So easy. So simple to just let go. If only I always realized this then there would be no problems. Nice thinking.

So as of now I promise not to look back. I learn in the moment and understand through the future. Life moves on, and there is no use to get caught up to try to catch up. I am here to look forward. If I continue to look behind, I will continue to run into the same things. [I thought that was a good saying]. And so here I go, looking up.

Once again...

Sometimes the day just does not turn as you thought. Things run along until you are shocked awake in some new way. And that is how it happened. It is also amazing how your mind fills in the blanks about the parts of life you don't have time to remember. Basically: things I cannot let go of; things that stay not because of I want them to, but I don't know how to continue on, I don't know if I want to, but I must.

Life moves on.
People moved on.
I can't.

So with another kick in the face, I get another dose of reality. It is a dose big enough to knock me off my feet, but just low enough not to put me out. But it is what I need. Things are moving so quickly, life is teaching so much, but once again I get lazy and slow. If things are not fast enough, things can always be faster, they can always be better. It is not that faster and better is what this life is about, but instead there is no reason to be slow and mediocre. What is the point? That turns into a boring life. Life offers more. Life is what you make of it.

Happiness must wait

I have been gone too long. The first blog back from a break is either great or crap. Today's was the latter. Better luck tomorrow.